The Next Part of the Journey

ReginaS

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I will keep my fingers crossed for you and hope that all will work out.
Side question: is it bad if a house has to go through probate? I think that might be my situation...
Thanks!!
 

Atsugi

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HI Lenore,
I don't post much in this forum, hardly at all. Once a year. But I have to say I am really, really impressed when I read your posts. You're doing everything right and you have a whole lot of support. Proud of you. You must really be especially good with relationships.
 

Narrowminded

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Lenore, I’m sure it will all work out. All these things take so much time. I’m still dealing with paperwork as well.

So happy you were with friends on your anniversary. My DS took me out, it did help.

Hugs
 

Lkaibel

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Mike, thank you so much for your kind words. I try.

Sue, yes I know it will all work out. I guess once your occupy this earth for decades as an adult, various bureaucracies are not willing to let anything go easy.

Regina, mostly probate is long and annoying. A six month process in most states most of the time to settle a bunch of mostly forgone conclusions while you satisfy demands for paperwork. I remember with my Grandmother, we had to file two years taxes for her and the IRS owed HER. All so her kids could split a small estate evenly and sell her tiny house. Not awful, just a little frustrating.
 

Lkaibel

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I’m probably bonkers, but I got a recruitment from
another company this week and I went ahead and sent my resume.

In the end, they may not be interested in me and I will likely not be in them, but what can it hurt to check it out?

You don’t want to be all too emotional about business, but that whole think that happened when my current boss started in his role freaked me out, for just one thing. To this day he cannot see the difference between taking care of his kids and taking care of your terminally ill spouse in your living room.

That’s not all. I feel like I’ll never shine where I am now, and that nothing I do will ever make my work great. It’s not actual performance, it’s who is liked and who is not and who is tolerated because they get stuff done. I feel tolerated because I get stuff done.

This pre-dates my current boss and Brian’s diagnosis. In fact, right when we heard the EMG was bad, I was in the middle of sending my resume elsewhere. It then became abundantly clear I was in no position to change companies.

I think one consistent grate and grind is the organizational tendency to micromanagement. We talk a good game on included people in the decision processes, but that isn’t what goes on. Collectively we have around 75 years of collective experience in my team, yet somehow small pieces of autonomous decision making are always drifting away from us. I supervise 8 managers and have 20 years of experience in my field, I bring so much in skills and experience but I don’t feel that I - or frankly any of us are actually respected for that knowledge.

I have some great coworkers for sure, and there are definitely things I’d miss about my organization but it may be time to pick up where I left off in 2016 and spread my wings.

Other stuff I was going to do in 2016 before the big Dx: I was getting in shape and that all fell apart. I have that back now too. I was going to buy a car in December of ‘17 and give Brian this one just for short runs when he didn’t want to use the truck.

I’m looking forward to buying a new car after this house thing is settled. My current car lacks some of the tech features I want, is getting ugly and now is officially the Car Brian Is Not Driving. In addition to being beat up and ugly, it’s a symbol of life lost.

For some strange reason, my house is not. Not now, anyway.

The last thing we were about to do before the Dx was I was so happy to see warmer weather coming I said I’d run an open grill every Friday night and BYOB for friends. Naturally, that went by the wayside. Not likely to do that this year, but who knows what the future holds.

I booked my trip to see my brother in November. Beach cottage, flight there is direct comfort class and flight back is multiple transfers but first class! Second time only in first class! Hurray! Brian would flip, even though I hit a great deal.

Anyway, I know a lot of people would say I am too soon a widow to be changing jobs, and it’s far, far from
A done deal. I will think hard and be careful if the opportunity is really presented.
 

Nuts

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Lenore, it sounds to me like you've been unhappy with your job for awhile. This is not a knee-jerk reaction, it sounds more like life finally giving you the opportunity to do something that you need.

I could be wrong, but you sound pretty reasonable to me!

Becky
 

Narrowminded

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Lenore I have to agree with Becky about the job. After all you started putting out feelers when the DX hit, so moving now might be good for you - fresh start.

Hugs as you decide if you’re given the offer.
 

lgelb

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As you know, Lenore, I don't believe in a cooling-off period, just making thoughtful choices. We all endured over years the unthinkable, which sharpens the mind, if anything. While we may have feelings of guilt, anger, grief, etc. in all the years to come, that doesn't render us unable to think.

If an opportunity meets whatever criteria you think mean the most to you today, in the now, go for it. And if you decide to look around and proactively send your résumé out, why not? I and many economists see rocky roads ahead, so it's a good time to take a well-considered plunge.

Best,
Laurie
 

soonerwife

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I think there shouldn't be a timeframe on decisions if you are able to think through those decisions.

We all handle things differently and I think you have a good head on your shoulders even when dealing with some really horrible things.
 

Lkaibel

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So progress. Got my home title straightened out. That was the fab news of the week. Now to finish the refi, hopefully very shortly!

Got my resume and references together and did that first interview. Seemed to go great, we will see if anything comes of it and what I did if I got an offer. I’m xcited to be back out there investigating options.

I miss Brian everyday of course, but I get a little concerned about how okay I am. I mean,is this just shock or am I a colder fish than I thought? Everyone seems shocked I’m not a mess. Where were all these folks expecting me to lose it when he was alive, cuz I’m here to say that last few months in particular was so hard I’m surprised to be still standing.

I talk to Brian daily, he lives in my soul and his spirit surrounds me. I do things that are goofy, I am not saying I’m symptom free. This morning I got up, made a pot of coffee and forgot to put a pot under it. I went into the kitchen to coffee all over the counter. I’d think some scary was happening to me under other circumstances.

It’s just that the deep, despondent grief people talk up is not there right now. Today was the first day I allowed myself to just really do much of nothing on a weekend. I just relaxed and napped and watched Netflix til I went to a friend’s for dinner at 6. It was nice.

I’m about six weeks out now, I know things will change. I actually found myself wondering if the company I’ve been chatting with will Google me, find I’m a six week widow and thing “hmmm, maybe not so much...”
 
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wishmobbing

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I wouldn't worry or wonder too much about being okay. F*** people and what they think. I expected grief to completely strike me down any second and to my great surprise it only did so in short bursts. Some bursts clustering together with a bit of winter blues. Mostly it's been a great time.
Other people's expectations are not important. If you don't expect a certain behavior of yourself, you'll be fine. (Meaning sometimes you might not be fine but that won't be lasting.)
You have a good brain and a big heart, there's room in there for all kinds of dealings and lots of different feelings at the same time.
 

Narrowminded

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Lenore - I was much like you. It seemed I didn’t crash until about 2 months out. There was so much going on for me with Christmas, work taxes and my folks, I don’t think I would have had time to crash anyway. However, like Wish, it wasn’t overly lasting.

Waves hit me now and again, depending what I’m doing. And I also think, like you the last several months were so ridiculously bad, that much of our grieving had happened in a different kind of way. Actually it started with DX, and then with each loss.

My MIL was fine the whole first year and then it struck her in the second one. She was much like you and kept saying she didn’t know if she seemed cold or callous. My Mom still seems ok from losing my Dad. Not sure when it will hit her either.

Everyone is different. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

I’m sure the job will be fine if it’s the one meant for you.

Hugs
 

affected

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Didn't hit me for 9 months, til then I was more numb and relieved his suffering was over. Follow your heart Lenore, it will be what it will be. Grief is individual and it is not linear. xx
 

Lkaibel

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Sooo Saturday my home refi closes, and right after that I am buying a car. Excited on that, my little tin can is 10 years old and it’s time.

This particular company I was being courted by is not working out. I took their hour long assessment Monday evening and have not heard back since. I think that’s okay. I heard some things about the working environment that would not make me comfortable. Come to think of it, the last time I was involved with a company that did an assessment NOT getting the job turned out to be a great thing.

My weirdest emotion recently is I somehow feel responsible for Brian’s dying from ALS. That is sort of like feeling responsible for him being struck by lightening.
 

wishmobbing

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You think it's some sort of survivor's guilt?
 
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