5 months in...

[Barbie]

Well, hard to believe it is almost 5 months since my sweet husband died. I still hate ALS just as much. don't really think about it too much though...don't really want to. I hate to look at pictures of him from the last few months of his life. I can't believe that I didn't see (at the time) how frail and weak he was. I was immune to his physical suffering I guess because it had gone on so long. I think of him everyday with love in my heart and say out loud that I love him at least a couple of times each day. I would love to hear it back... I feel a deep sadness about everything and not really a sharp pain from grief. that is a little disconcerting. Over all I am happy and my children are happy. Our family is starting to thrive again as a unit. we are stronger. he isn't gone from our family--he is like a huge beam holding us up together.

I was able to get off anti depressants. I took my time and eased off over two months. I was open to continuing them if needed but did fine. Christmas day was tougher than I thought it would be. I lied to my family and told them I was going with several different family members to celebrate and instead I stayed home. didn't plan this in advance--but started getting emotional in the morning and knew that I could not be with anyone. It was lovely--I sat at home and looked at pictures and read the sympathy cards from the funeral, watched the video and bawled my eyes out for about 4 hours until my head was splitting. then I got up, cleaned my house from top to bottom and felt a lot better.

I felt my husband's presence a couple of weeks ago. I was not thinking of him or doing anything--just waiting for a friend to finish getting ready to go out. I was standing in a doorway just mindlessly and suddenly I felt like a warm blanket was wrapped around me for several seconds. I sensed Lonny so strongly it brought tears to my eyes. I was so happy.

I laugh a lot. I have fun a lot. I feel secure that he is with me forever and that is what he wants. I realize my grief is different that other people's grief, but I am learning that that is ok--we all walk thru this in our own unique way.

I hope that for all of you out there reading this, you feel peace like I do. don't be afraid of your journey thru grief--you have already faced hell on earth.

xxoo

 

[Atsugi]

Wow. You're doing well. I'm glad to read this. Still inspiring people after all these years, aren't you?

 

[gooseberry]

So very glad to hear you are well Barbie. You are my inspiration! It is funny but I pictured you as Zena warrior princess, probably because of your avatar. I was surprised how petite you are when we met. I am so thankful we got to meet and talk. You are wonderful and deserve all the joy and happiness you can find . Higs to you, Steph

 

[JimInVA]

Well done, Barbie. Thank you for the encouragement. Keep on keeping on!!!

Jim

 

[cheerleader]

Barbie,so glad you are finding yourself again and are able to smile again. Know that is what our pals want/wanted for us. Like you, those moments of feeling his presence are so reassuring- and know our guys want our happiness as a tribute to the love we shared. Hugs to our Warrior Princess. Donna

 

[lgelb]

I know you won't believe this, Barbie, but I was actually thinking about you yesterday, and lo, you appear!

Glad to hear you and the kids are moving forward, and well said.

Best,
Laurie

 

[bigmark1954]

Very Happy to hear that you have adjusted to your new normal. Good thing you are a warrior princess, because you have been battle tested and you survived magnificently.

I miss you every day, usually when I am taking a shower!!!

Luv you always,
mark

 

[skipper66]

Glad to hear that you are doing ok Barbie. It gives me some hope. I am not doing well at all adjusting to the death of my father. My husband (we're separated still) is taking me to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I cry so hard that I get the shakes. I can barely function. I really don't want to take medicine because it won't bring my dad back. I am going to try going to a grief support group next week at one of our local churches. I know my dad wouldn't want me to grieve like this. The tears just pour out even when I'm at work. I hide behind a closed door and hope my co-workers and boss don't find out. I feel guilty for feeling this way because I'm not the only one who has experienced such a terrible loss. I wish I were stronger.

 

[texastc]

Wow Barbie...so glad to read that. You are a month ahead of me...will be 4 mo this week. Amazing how similar my world is. Glad for u. Really glad.

tc

 

[Gembead]

Hi Barbie, thanks so much for dropping back in and letting us know how you are.
Much luv Gem

 

[ShiftKicker]

Barbie, it's nice to hear that you are doing well. I'm glad you are finding joy in memory of your Love, and that he still is present with you.

 

[affected]

You remain an incredible inspiration Barbie!

 

[Barbie]

I love you guys...I am a bit weirded out by my "Lack" of strong grief, but thankful actually. I can only think that it is because I grieved so hard for so long before he died. I don't know, I am not taking away from others who have also grieved long and hard in advance and continue to do so afterwards. but this is just what I am going thru, and everyone should know that grief is a personal journey and each of us is different.

 

[affected]

Barbie some widows I talk to spend months and months feeling they can't even get out of their bed. They lay there of a morning crying for hours.

I have never experienced that.

Instead I wake and jump out of bed and get going. In the early days I would have felt that I would just have it all going around and around if I lay in bed, so I was up and into distraction therapy!

So we are all very different, and it's perfectly right and normal no matter what we feel and do in response as we grieve.

Sharing and story telling allows us all to find our own normal, so you are wonderful to help us all by sharing what you are feeling, or not feeling and showing us that our wonderful Barbie is still standing. It's a huge comfort to us all xxx

 

[Atsugi]

I love you guys...I am a bit weirded out by my "Lack" of strong grief, but thankful actually. I can only think that it is because I grieved so hard for so long before he died.

I think you're exactly right.