califsand
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2007
- Messages
- 237
- Diagnosis
- 01/2004
- Country
- US
- State
- ca
- City
- sant barbara
Yesterday the hospice nurse told me that my father is changing, oxygen level is low (80 with or without the oxygen on) and staring into the distance a lot. Last night I got a call and was told to come, he was having severe trouble breathing. I went and he was struggling and forcing himself to breathe each breath. He was very anxious and we gave him several doses of morphine over the next few hours, on top of the morphine pump. He stopped breathing several times while I was there but began breathing again on his one with a tap on the shoulder from the nurse. He's had that happening throughout the day today but is much more comfortable because of medication. In fact, we have doubled the dose that he is getting through the morphine pump in order to help him to be less anxious.
Today I called all of my siblings and told them to go see him, the nurses and Dr. don't think he will make it through the night... I told my Dad finally that it is okay for him to let go, that he will be okay and so will I. When I went today he just locked eyes with me and wouldn't blink or look away for several minutes. I just said "I know you love me, I love you too". Even though all the staff think that he is on the brink of letting go, he has scared me before and then improved. I just can't believe that he may die in the next couple of days... ironic how the mind works isn't it? I know he's dying, I know he is in the final stages of the illness, last night I watched him stop breathing for up to 20-30 seconds at a time, but part of me doesn't believe that he will ever die. When he stopped breathing I thought "finally he has some peace" and then the nurse would touch him and say "Tom, you need to breathe" and I would want to tell him to leave my Dad alone but then Dad would take a breath and I would realize that I was holding my breath during it and breathe in relief that he is still here. I'm a mess
He improved last night after a while and today he is still having trouble but it is not as labored. I came home to take a nap and have found that almost impossible. I guess that I will go back over there and be with him...
Today I called all of my siblings and told them to go see him, the nurses and Dr. don't think he will make it through the night... I told my Dad finally that it is okay for him to let go, that he will be okay and so will I. When I went today he just locked eyes with me and wouldn't blink or look away for several minutes. I just said "I know you love me, I love you too". Even though all the staff think that he is on the brink of letting go, he has scared me before and then improved. I just can't believe that he may die in the next couple of days... ironic how the mind works isn't it? I know he's dying, I know he is in the final stages of the illness, last night I watched him stop breathing for up to 20-30 seconds at a time, but part of me doesn't believe that he will ever die. When he stopped breathing I thought "finally he has some peace" and then the nurse would touch him and say "Tom, you need to breathe" and I would want to tell him to leave my Dad alone but then Dad would take a breath and I would realize that I was holding my breath during it and breathe in relief that he is still here. I'm a mess