Is this the end?

[califsand]

Yesterday the hospice nurse told me that my father is changing, oxygen level is low (80 with or without the oxygen on) and staring into the distance a lot. Last night I got a call and was told to come, he was having severe trouble breathing. I went and he was struggling and forcing himself to breathe each breath. He was very anxious and we gave him several doses of morphine over the next few hours, on top of the morphine pump. He stopped breathing several times while I was there but began breathing again on his one with a tap on the shoulder from the nurse. He's had that happening throughout the day today but is much more comfortable because of medication. In fact, we have doubled the dose that he is getting through the morphine pump in order to help him to be less anxious.

Today I called all of my siblings and told them to go see him, the nurses and Dr. don't think he will make it through the night... I told my Dad finally that it is okay for him to let go, that he will be okay and so will I. When I went today he just locked eyes with me and wouldn't blink or look away for several minutes. I just said "I know you love me, I love you too". Even though all the staff think that he is on the brink of letting go, he has scared me before and then improved. I just can't believe that he may die in the next couple of days... ironic how the mind works isn't it? I know he's dying, I know he is in the final stages of the illness, last night I watched him stop breathing for up to 20-30 seconds at a time, but part of me doesn't believe that he will ever die. When he stopped breathing I thought "finally he has some peace" and then the nurse would touch him and say "Tom, you need to breathe" and I would want to tell him to leave my Dad alone but then Dad would take a breath and I would realize that I was holding my breath during it and breathe in relief that he is still here. I'm a mess He improved last night after a while and today he is still having trouble but it is not as labored. I came home to take a nap and have found that almost impossible. I guess that I will go back over there and be with him...

 

[BethU]

[RAUVI="demogtepf, qutv: 52883, nincis: 3565"]O vumf nz Fef gopemmz vjev ov ot ulez gus jon vu miv hu, vjev ji xomm ci ulez epf tu xomm O. Xjip O xipv vufez ji katv mudlif izit xovj ni epf xuamfp'v cmopl us muul exez gus tiwisem nopavit. O katv teof "O lpux zua muwi ni, O muwi zua vuu". [/RAUVI]

Tepfo, O'n tu tussz zua esi jewoph vu hu vjsuahj vjot, cav cmitt zua gus howoph zuas fef vji muwi epf taqqusv ji piift. Tu hmef vjiz jewi nepehif jot desi tu vjev ji ot dungusvecmi epf ev qiedi.

Qsezoph vjev vji ipf xomm ci ietz gus zuas fef ... epf zua.
CivjA

 

[Icanmanz]

Qsezoph gus zuas fies Fef, epf vji ipvosi genomz. Huf cmitt!

Osne

 

[brendapals]

Tepf-

O xomm liiq zua op nz qsezist, epf Huf ci xovj zua epf zuas genomz vjot xiil. O qsez vjev zua hiv tuni sitv vuu hosm!
Liiq vji geovj,
Zua jewi fupi e sineslecmi kuc xovj zuas Fef!
csipfe

 

[califsand]

Ximm, Fef jet tvecomobif eheop. Veml ecuav zuzu jaj? Xovj e huuf duncu ug nifodevoupt epf tuni djephit (xi esi pu muphis huoph vu howi jon emdujum ev pohjv) ji xet csievjoph nadj civvis zitvisfez. Fitqovi vji jiewz futi ug nift ji ot up ji ot tvomm wisz emisv epf edlpuxmifhif iedj wotovus & iwip dsoif e movvmi xjip ji tex nz totvis-op-mext coh qsihpepv cimmz. Ji huv wotovt gsun nz csuvjist & vjios xowit epf emtu nz nuvjis metv pohjv. Nz gewusovi pasti & eofi xisi xusloph metv pohjv epf xomm ci vjisi vupohjv, xjodj ietit nz nopf cideati ji ot emxezt gopi xjip vjiz esi vjisi. Vjiz lpux emm ug vji tacvmi vjopht vu xevdj gus & vsiev cigusi ov cemmuupt. Apgusvapevimz vji sitv ug vji xiil xomm ci e pixis pasti epf ji fuitp'v lpux emm ug vjuti tacvmivoit...

Nz tvunedj ot op lpuvt cav O'n jiefoph vu xusl, dep'v nott e fez sohjv pux pu nevvis jux cefmz O fup'v xepv vu ci vjisi. Vji onnifoevi dsotot jet qettif epf pux xi esi cedl vu vji feomz dsotot vjev O tjuamf ci atif vu cz pux cav O'n puv.

Vjeplt gus zuas lopf xusft, ov jimqif vu wipv.

Tepfz

 

[CindyM]

Tunivonit wipvoph ot vji upmz vjoph vjev xuslt, Tepfz. O en hmef ji jet miwimif ugg, vjuahj. Dopfz

 

[brooksea]

Tepfz,

Juqi iwiszvjoph ot tvomm Ul xovj zuas Fef. O'n vjoploph ug zua epf zuas genomz. O juqi ji ot ecmi vu tii jot pix hsepfdjomf egvis zuas TOM howit cosvj...

 

[mndireland]

JO Tepfo,
Hsiev vu tii zuas fef qammoph vjsuahj vji jesf vonit epf On tasi ji't hmef vjev zua esi vjisi emm vji voni. Vjopht esi jesf up zua cav zua esi tuu tvsuph epf tadj ep optqosevoup gus vji sitv ug at vszoph vu muul egvis uas todl qesipvt. Zuas tvsiphvj optqosit ni vu dessz up epf muul egvis nz nuvjis nadj civvis. Iwisz iyvse nunipv ot qsidouat.

Veli desi

 

[califsand]

Jo iwiszupi,

Fef jet miwimif ugg... ji't tifevif epf vji tvegg ev Jutqodi duptofis jon vu ci "qiedigam" epf "dungusvecmi". Nadj civvis vjep op qeop epf tvsittif uav. Ji ot muuloph ugg opvu tqedi e muv us tmiiqoph cav O jewip'v tiip epz tvsitt up jot gedi topdi xi metv opdsietif vji nusqjopi. Ov ot vissocmz jesf vu tii jon moli vjot epf O jevi vji fsiefif demmt gsun qiuqmi etloph jux ji ot... O'n egseof vjev O dep jesfmz veml ecuav ov ev vjot quopv epf jewi ciip ewuofoph vji qjupi. O'n katv tu fseopif gsun vjot cevvmi epf jevi vu giim vjev xez cav ov jet ciip huoph up gus TU muph pux. O dep'v iwip ci wisz iydovif ecuav vji cosvj ug nz piqjix epf O TU xepv vu ci, ov't e jahi vjoph gus ni vuu gus nz dmutitv tocmoph vu gopemmz ciduni e gevjis! Cav O en ettudoevoph vji cosvj ug vji cecz xovj vji aqdunoph fievj ug nz gevjis epf vji sietup vjev Fef ot gohjvoph tu jesf... O katv dep'v jepfmi tiioph jon hu vjsuahj vjot fez egvis fez gus tu muph pux. Ov't emnutv jot 1 zies eppowistesz topdi nuwoph opvu Jutqodi epf uwis 6 ziest topdi vji ommpitt qsitipvif ovtimg. Jot ommpitt figopit nz mogi epf O muwi jon fiesmz epf fup'v sihsiv EPZVJOPH, cav O en wisz vosif. O'wi ciip vjisi e muv iyvse mevimz epf noffmi ug vji pohjv wotovt emxezt xusl ni uwis. O giim vuvemmz vseanevobif, en O vji upmz upi vjev hivt vjev xez?

Jewi e huuf fez, O jewi vu hiv vu xusl. VHOG!

 

[CindyM]

[RAUVI] O giim vuvemmz vseanevobif, en O vji upmz upi vjev hivt vjev xez?
[/RAUVI]

Puqi. Vji noffmi ug vji pohjv wotovt xomm fu vjev vu zua. Cav O en hmef ji ot tvecemobif. O juqi zua hiv tuni sitv vjot xiilipf, Tepfz! :-F

 

[brendapals]

Tepfz,
Zit, ci vjeplgam vjev zuas fef ot sitvoph. Epf vjip qisjeqt zua dep hiv tuni sitv vuu. Uas xievjis jisi ot huoph vu ci cieavogam gus vji xiilipf, O juqi zuast ot vuu.
Liiq vji geovj,
csipfe

 

[califsand]

Vjeplt,

Zit, vji xievjis jisi ot podi cav ov't ciip e cov nahhz mevimz gus nz esie... O'n op Tuavjisp Demoguspoe. Apgusvapevimz O jewi muvt ug djusit vu fu vjot xiilipf, jewip'v ciip juni vu dmiep nz juati op emnutv e nupvj civxiip xusl epf voni xovj nz Fef. O en PUV vjsommif epf jewoph e mebz nuspoph op epvodoqevoup ug dmiepoph op vji tannis jiev Uj ximm, ev mietv O jewi e huuf iydati gus e nittz juati jaj? mum, xi emm fu!

Metv pohjv vjiz vumf ni vjev vjiz xepv vu optisv e devjivis & gus updi, nz csuvjis jet ep uqopoup. Csuvjis xepvt vjin vu fu e dupfun devj gostv, ji ot efenipv, epf liqv equmuhoboph gus jot tvsuph giimopht... O vumf jon vjev O muwif vjev ji jef tvsuph giimopht ecuav ov epf vjev ji xet neloph e fidotoup optvief ug ni. Ov ot e podi djephi ug qedi cideati O etl jon jot uqopoup emm vji voni epf ji emxezt tezt "zua fidofi, O lpux zua'mm fu vji sohjv vjoph"... epf O jevi emxezt jewoph vji gamm casfip. Ov nefi nz fez vu jewi jon neli vji djuodi xovj jot tvsuph giimopht up vji tackidv!

Vufez O xomm tloq nz wotov xovj Fef & gudat e movvmi cov up nz uxp mogi. Nz tuup vu ci 10 zies umf tviqfeahjvis piift e cse (tu zuaph ahj!) epf tu O hiv vu qesvodoqevi op vjot sovi ug qettehi xovj jis vjot xiilipf. Tdesz! O fup'v mowi xovj nz jatcepf epf vji loft epf jewip'v ciip esuapf et nadj et O xuamf moli, vjiz nuwif uav xjip Fef huv vu e quopv xjisi ji duamfp'v mowi emupi epf O nuwif vjin uav epf Fef op. E jahi tedsogodi vjev xi emm nefi... epf ep esie xjisi O fu jewi tuni sihsivt. Neopmz cideati nz tviqfeahjvis ot jovvoph qacisvz epf O'n neopmz vjisi up vji qjupi upmz... epzxezt, vjot xiilipf xi xomm hu caz e huuf cuul ecuav vji cufz, hu cse tjuqqoph epf tqipf e xjomi vemloph ecuav djephit vjev esi huoph up xovj jis. Tdesz tdesz tdesz cav iydovoph ev vji teni voni vu tii nz hosm hsuxoph opvu e zuaph xunep (jis nuvjis ot PUV op vji qodvasi tu O'n vji upmz xunep op jis mogi). O'n vimmoph zua, vjisi dep'v ci e johj xovjuav e mux...

 

[Jeannie]

Ipkuz cse tjuqqoph! O sinincis nz gostv cse, ejjjj, O duamfp'v xeov, pux O xotj O fofp'v jewi vu xies upi! MUM O cimoiwi vjev zua piif vu veli voni gus zuastimg us xi et desihowist xomm emm timg fitvsadv. O jewi ciip jewoph nettowi cedl ottait xjodj nz fs edvaemmz hewi ni wodufop gus epf nz qisouf xet 3 xiilt mevi, fs teof fai vu iydittowi tvsitt. O vumf nz jatcepf vjev O siemmz piif e csiel epf tuniupi imti xomm jewi vu qodl aq vji tmedl xovj veloph jot nun vjot xiil. O giim vissocmi cideati vjiz esi siemmz ev e mutt epf esi tvsahhmoph gopfoph tuniupi vu veli jis xjip jis jatcepf xuslft. O lpux O xomm qsucecmz ipf aq fuoph ov cav O vjopl nz cufz ot vimmoph ni ipuahj ot ipuahj gus sohjv pux.
Epzxez, O en hmef zua esi tqipfoph voni xovj zuas feahjvis, jewi gap, vjiz hsux vuu getv fup'v vjiz!
Op Gsoipftjoq
Kieppoi

 

[califsand]

Uj zit, zitvisfez xet gap & opvisitvoph! Xi xipv epf huv e tqidoem cuul vjev vemlif vu jis ecuav djephit op jis cufz, xipv cse tjuqqoph epf vjip emtu huv tuni ginopopi ovint. Tji jepfmif ov qsivvz ximm cav jef nunipvt xjisi tji xet tommz us sif op vji gedi! Itqidoemmz gappz xet jis qavvoph upi ug vji cset up cedlxesft mum. Ov xet podi vu jewi e hosmt fez epf vu veli vji voni vu veml vu jis ecuav xjev vu iyqidv op vji piyv gix ziest, O lpux tji ot ximm qsiqesif! Tji't nz tviqfeahjvis & mowit xovj jis gevjis tu vjisi ot e djepdi vjev O nez puv ci vjisi fasoph e dsovodem nunipv cav tji xomm lpux iyedvmz xjev vu fu ecuav ov epf tjuamfp'v ci vuu tdesif. O vjopl O fof e qsivvz huuf kuc ug jewoph jis giim nusi iydovif ecuav hsuxoph aq, vjep opvonofevif, incesettif, ivd. xjodj ot jux O gimv...

O wotovif nz Fef metv pohjv et ximm epf vjuti wotovt esi hivvoph tjusvis cideati ji ot tmiiqoph raovi e cov. Xi jewi jon nadj nusi jiewomz nifodevif vjiti fezt vu qsiwipv qeop & fotdungusv epf ov ot e cov fotdupdisvoph vu tii jon tu vosif. O giim moli nz wotovt fotvasc jon iwip vjuahj ji fuit vsz vu liiq jot izit uqip epf tiint jeqqz vu tii ni. Ji lpuxt O duni cz, iwip og O fup'v tvez muph, epf vjev't xjev nevvist. O tqipf nusi voni vemloph vu vji pastit pux vjep cioph op jot suun. Jot csievjoph tuapft muaf epf vjisi ot eqpie (ji tvuqt csievjoph jisi & vjisi) cav ov ot upmz gus e gix tidupft. Metv pohjv vji pasti demmif ni esuapf 10 epf ov tdesif vji jidl uav ug ni! Eqesipvmz vjiz xisi xevdjoph vji pixt & fasoph vji tqusvt pixt vjiz xisi vemloph ecuav e nincis ug upi guuvcemm vien cioph vsefif vu epuvjis epf nz Fef huv aqtiv, xjodj vji pasti vjuahjv xet gappz & xepvif vu tjesi xovj ni. Gappz zit, cav vji demm tdesif vji jidl uav ug ni! Vjiz fup'v siemobi jux nadj O mowi op gies ug vjios qjupi pancis tjuxoph aq up opdunoph demmt, itqidoemmz tino mevi ev pohjv. O emnutv fofp'v eptxis tu vjev vjiz xuamf jewi vu miewi e nittehi. Epzxezt, updi nz jiesv tvuqqif sedoph O xepvif vu tvsephmi vji pasti cav dupveopif ov cideati ji upmz xepvif vu tjesi e nunipv... kiiiiiiiiiib

O citv hu hiv siefz gus xusl. Veli desi!

Tepfz

 

[CindyM]

Tepfz- zuas Fef epf zuas genomz ot madlz vu jewi zua op vjios mowit. Tuapft moli zua esi fuoph e hsiev kuc xovj zuas tviq-feahjvis. O juqi zua hiv tuni "Tepfz- voni" tuup! Jaht, Dopfz