Yesterday I went to see a friend of my fathers and she gave me some beautiful glass items he had given to her over the years... it was really hard to take them! She had them set up so beautifully and in a part of her house where they were center stage, I knew taking them would leave a gulf that would make her feel sad. She insisted though, said that she is old and when she goes that her family would not have any sentimental value for them and would try to sell all of her items in an estate sale. I don't know her but I felt for her loss when she wrapped them for me and cried about what my Dad went through. He really did touch a lot of people in his life. Afterwards I went to the cemetary to tell him I loved him and learned that it may take me years to go there without crying. I decided that's okay. I'm not one for tears but going there really touches me. Someone had decorated around his stone with holly and tinsel, and rocks of course. He loved rocks & passed that love onto his kids!
My sister in law knew what I was up to and knows I am not into Christmas this year... but also knows that the worst feeling for me is to disappoint the kids in the family. So she asked me to go shopping and lured me into by telling me that we would be taking my 2 month old nephew with us. She even said she would pick me up and do the driving. Knowing how hard it can be for a new mom to do all of that I couldn't say no... especially because I had been feeling a little bit sad I hadn't made a point of going to see them and the baby since Dad's death. They only live 10 minutes from me! So she picked me up and we went to a few shops that were packed with people, which caused me to immediately want to leave. She was awesome, didn't give me a hard time and just followed me out of the stores. I love her! We went to lunch instead and spent a couple of hours in the restaurant where she kept handing me the baby. He is beautiful and smart! 2 months old and already knows his name. His little head was bobbing all around while he was taking in all the activity in the restaurant, fascinated look on his face and totally immersed in people watching and I would say "Tommy" and he would look at me, make eye contact and give me the BIGGEST grins! Talk about healing... I could have stayed there with him on my lap forever, he is so happy and engaged, he already laughs when you pretend to eat his hands and he reaches for everything. I am not being biased when I say that he is advanced for his age and that fascinates me.
After that I thought she was going to let me give up and take me home but she said we should at least go get a couple of gift cards for my niece & nephew who want them. So we did that and found a gift at that store for another of the kids and by then I had let go of my anxiety so we went on a good shopping trip and we must have spent an hour playing with educational toys for the baby. She said that she would drive me to Christmas eve and bring me home after if that was what I wanted... usually I spend the night with the family that night but I haven't wanted to. This morning I woke up thinking that I may be able to stay the night but glad that I have the option because I may just choose to come home. Of course buying santa gifts for the kids makes me want to be there in the morning to see their reactions. I would still rather avoid this holiday but because of my wonderful SIL, I feel less anxiety about it now. She took the time with me and knows me well enough to be able to give me what I need right now, which is a friend who doesn't pressure me but encourages me, a friend that listens and cares and KNOWS. A friend that knows how long I have waited to see her and my brother become parents and that knows how special the baby is to me, especially with him having my father's name. Know what's really interesting? That baby knows me... I see so much of my Dad in him and even though the little guy hasn't seen me in a month, he doesn't get scared or recoil from me being a stranger, he looks like he knows me and loves me. Very healing. I think that this free time I have newly found may need to be directed towards spending more time with him. I had planned to do that before Dad passed away but was so hard hit with sadness that I didn't want to be around anyone, including his namesake. It is time for that to change and I'm happy to have recognized this and happy that I have the opportunity to redirect some of my focus in a positive way.
Whew, long novel from me again! I'm feeling somewhat better and I hope that it shows!
Take care,
Sandy