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The Holidays always seem to bring strong emotions to the surface. Years ago I was unusually un-cheerful during Christmas and a good friend told me not to let myself buy into the "hype." She is especially spiritual, so looking into the true meaning of the season comes naturally for her. But she gave some advice that really helped me that one year. She said, "It is just a day in the year. Yes- an important day for those of us who believe, but still- only a day on the calendar."
 
Carolann,

Those are good ideas and I would love to leave and avoid but my mother has already dosed out a heavy load of guilt as it is. She confessed to me that she was jealous of my closeness with Dad and angry at how I forgave him so much but not her. Well, the relationships I had with each are different and that's how it goes! Mom's honesty usually has an adverse effect on me because we think so differently...

One of my brothers is totally into the Christmas spirit and I suppose that it gives him a good distraction from grief because he has 3 children to think about. Another brother isn't into it but has a new baby and I know he is trying to focus on him and work as much as possible. One sister is doing the whole Christmas thing (she is the only one who doesn't live locally) and normally she would be here with us but not this year. She's doing it all different and I know that she is having a hard time with it. Interestingly enough, Christmas to me means being with her and her children, not with Dad. He was never into the holiday... I'm more upset that my sister can't be here and that I cannot afford to go be with her family during it. She and I usually take care of the visit from Santa & stockings and stay up half the night giggling. Without her there I want none of it. But my mom throws guilt at me every time I talk about how I feel. It's frustrating!

It is amazing how many people do make me feel guilty for grieving my Dad. Yes, I fully feel he is in a better place and yes, it was beyond time for him to let go and stop suffering, yes there was no hope of recovery for him.... it's all true. I begged him to let go that last night and he listened to me and for the first few days, I cried and rejoiced for him. I was truly happy for him and they all knew it. So when the sadness and loss hit me they hit hard and nobody gets it. I was his caregiver, I have the biggest gulf in my day to day life! Of course they don't get it and talking about it to them just "brings them down" so it seems that talking about Dad is taboo around them right now. That is pretty lame!

I am glad it is just one day of the year... but it's more than that, it's a season. I survived through my step daughters caroling and now have just one more week of it to get through. I will spend Christmas Eve with my family and do what I can to skip Christmas Day... and then have 4 days off to try to come up with some solutions to my own problems. My father's birthday is on Jan 2nd and that one day is way more important to me right now. I have it off work and plan to go watch the sunrise for him. Check out his site where he posted the daily sunrise... he used to call me and get me up to go with him sometimes, special moments for sure.

Take care,

Sandy
 
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Sorry Sandy but I clicked on the link and it was full of adverts for Reno Nevada. Definately not allowed.

AL.
 
What Al? Dad's site is pictures of the sunrise! I just checked it and guess that the webmaster shut it off since he passed. That's awful! :(
 
Sorry, you can try again but that other link had hotel, casino, car rentals for mostly Reno but other Nevada places as well. Maybe you left out a period or had an extra letter or something. I've taken hundreds of sunsets from Asia, North and South America the Carribean and Hawaii. I'd like to see your dad's.

AL.
 
No Al, you're right. When the page loads it says at the top that the site expired on 12/12... exactly one month after Dad "expired". I sent an email to the web designer to ask what is needed to renew it. Not quite ready to let go of Dad's website yet!
 
Sandy,

It's just going to take time and however the holidays unfold... "it will just have to do for now!" That was my mantra during my mum's illness and it has stayed with me since her passing. While trying to cope with her illness and my family, I would just keep that phrase with me and I used it many times with my family when they were less than understanding. It let them know that I was doing my best and it reminded me that I have nothing to feel guilty about. We all handle things differently. You have asked for your space... you should take it. It's time to look after yourself.

Paula.
 
Yesterday I went to see a friend of my fathers and she gave me some beautiful glass items he had given to her over the years... it was really hard to take them! She had them set up so beautifully and in a part of her house where they were center stage, I knew taking them would leave a gulf that would make her feel sad. She insisted though, said that she is old and when she goes that her family would not have any sentimental value for them and would try to sell all of her items in an estate sale. I don't know her but I felt for her loss when she wrapped them for me and cried about what my Dad went through. He really did touch a lot of people in his life. Afterwards I went to the cemetary to tell him I loved him and learned that it may take me years to go there without crying. I decided that's okay. I'm not one for tears but going there really touches me. Someone had decorated around his stone with holly and tinsel, and rocks of course. He loved rocks & passed that love onto his kids! :)

My sister in law knew what I was up to and knows I am not into Christmas this year... but also knows that the worst feeling for me is to disappoint the kids in the family. So she asked me to go shopping and lured me into by telling me that we would be taking my 2 month old nephew with us. She even said she would pick me up and do the driving. Knowing how hard it can be for a new mom to do all of that I couldn't say no... especially because I had been feeling a little bit sad I hadn't made a point of going to see them and the baby since Dad's death. They only live 10 minutes from me! So she picked me up and we went to a few shops that were packed with people, which caused me to immediately want to leave. She was awesome, didn't give me a hard time and just followed me out of the stores. I love her! We went to lunch instead and spent a couple of hours in the restaurant where she kept handing me the baby. He is beautiful and smart! 2 months old and already knows his name. His little head was bobbing all around while he was taking in all the activity in the restaurant, fascinated look on his face and totally immersed in people watching and I would say "Tommy" and he would look at me, make eye contact and give me the BIGGEST grins! Talk about healing... I could have stayed there with him on my lap forever, he is so happy and engaged, he already laughs when you pretend to eat his hands and he reaches for everything. I am not being biased when I say that he is advanced for his age and that fascinates me.

After that I thought she was going to let me give up and take me home but she said we should at least go get a couple of gift cards for my niece & nephew who want them. So we did that and found a gift at that store for another of the kids and by then I had let go of my anxiety so we went on a good shopping trip and we must have spent an hour playing with educational toys for the baby. She said that she would drive me to Christmas eve and bring me home after if that was what I wanted... usually I spend the night with the family that night but I haven't wanted to. This morning I woke up thinking that I may be able to stay the night but glad that I have the option because I may just choose to come home. Of course buying santa gifts for the kids makes me want to be there in the morning to see their reactions. I would still rather avoid this holiday but because of my wonderful SIL, I feel less anxiety about it now. She took the time with me and knows me well enough to be able to give me what I need right now, which is a friend who doesn't pressure me but encourages me, a friend that listens and cares and KNOWS. A friend that knows how long I have waited to see her and my brother become parents and that knows how special the baby is to me, especially with him having my father's name. Know what's really interesting? That baby knows me... I see so much of my Dad in him and even though the little guy hasn't seen me in a month, he doesn't get scared or recoil from me being a stranger, he looks like he knows me and loves me. Very healing. I think that this free time I have newly found may need to be directed towards spending more time with him. I had planned to do that before Dad passed away but was so hard hit with sadness that I didn't want to be around anyone, including his namesake. It is time for that to change and I'm happy to have recognized this and happy that I have the opportunity to redirect some of my focus in a positive way.

Whew, long novel from me again! I'm feeling somewhat better and I hope that it shows!

Take care,

Sandy
 
Good for you! Babies are amazing all the way around - my feeling (theory?) is that they just came from somewhere wonderful and they already know so much that we've forgotten. I've never gotten the impression that they are just blank slates. Reincarnation? Maybe. Who knows? Anyway, hope you have a good Christmas after all.

Debbie
 
I've always thought that when you can open up and talk about things, you are on the way to healing.

AL.
 
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