I wonder if there are windows in Heaven?

[missMymom]

hello.. My name is Katherine..My mother lost her battle with ALS in May of 2009. Here is our story. My mothers name was Susan She was a registered nurse for around 20 years. she was the type of person who made you feel warm and wanted by just being around her or in her care as a nurse. I am her youngest daughter out of her 3 children. Both my older siblings are i guess what you would call successful in life and unfortunatly I chose a different path. She was diagnosed in late 2008 and the disease progressed quite quickly. I will never forget when I got the phone call from my father telling me my mother was sick. At the time i was heavily into a drug addiction. After my father telling me the news he handed my mother the phone and I just listened to her cry. She said to me the only reason she is still here is to make sure I was alright! i immediatly stoped what i was doing and went back home to be with her. At the time I wasnt sure what all this meant. I stayed at home with her for about 2 months. around the time she got the PEG tube inserted I lost it! It finally was real! By that time she could no longer talk or use her hands BUT was mobile. I can remember pooring the canned food into her tube and her just staring at me crying. She would place her only working hand on her heart and point to Heaven... She was ready to go... I wasnt coping very well with the whole situation at all..thinking about it as i write this what i should of done was just hold her and let her cry but i didnt. I wanted all of the confusion and pain to just STOP.. I left the house that evening to numb the pain the only way I knew how. Weeks went by without me seeing her. When I would call her she would just cry on the phone because she couldnt talk. I hit my knees and asked God for some kind of direction and help. The very next day I returned to my mothers house and seeing her was so painfull. By the grace of God I left that same day to enter a treatment center. My father and my mother drove me the short 45 min drive. Little did I know that that would be the last time I would see my mother alive. about 3 months into my recovery program I recieved the devestating news that my mother had gave up her fight and went "HOME" It has been 6 years and there is not a day that goes by that my heart doesnt ache for her. I never got to tell her goodbye! But I do think God has a funny way of working things out. while in rehab i learned i was pregnant! I can remember the last time i laid my eyes on my mother in her casket with her long pretty red dress on. I was all tears and all belly! I laid my body on hers and just went limp... Something i will never forget! God took her and gave me the blessing of a child. I have been clean and sober ever since and now i am a nurse just like she was! I will never forgive myself for not being there for her like she needed and for the fact she never got to see me sober.. In my mind i hope she knew when dropping me off at the rehab center i would FINALLY be okay... I tell my story because if just one person can relate or maybe even learn from my mistakes not to take your loved ones life for granted. I will forever regret my actions toward her. She is in heaven where she wanted to be. My children will never get the chance to meet her. I just want to know when will the pain stop? She didnt deserve this...... I didnt deserve her

 

[davbo49]

i had love ones i lost. the pain never goes away. i think about my mom all the time. it's something you will never let go. some days i will get things letting me know that she is there.

just remember one day you will see her again.

 

[Nuts]

Your mom would want you to remember her love, not the pain. As a mother yourself, you may begin to understand her better. She did what mother's do, as you will, if necessary, do for your child. Most of all, you have done for her what she wanted most, and for that be grateful. It's all in how you look at it, and I'm pretty sure I know how she'd want you to look at it. Be happy, be blessed, and be as good a mother to your child as she was to you. THAT is how you make grandma real to your child. XXXXX

 

[missMymom]

Thank you..and yes I will see her again. There is a part of my heart that can never be filled... God Bless You

 

[vickim]

Your story is very touching and I am sorry for your loss. Your mom is watching and everytime the sun shines on you face and that of your children she is touching you. You will feel her embrace on the gentle wind and her kiss in a rain drop. Rest assured she is with you every step of your way and I am sure she is proud of you.

Your mom and God is all forgiving and now you need to forgive yourself. You did your best and she understands. Peace and joy be with you.

 

[Green Queen]

Do you want to know what I reckon?
You know how people hang off death for a certain event? My uncle died of cancer a week after my auntys birthday. People die when they know the job, as they want it, to be done.
I reckon your mum knew that once you went to the treatment centre, her job was done. She knew you would be ok. She would have been proud you were taking steps in the right direction.
No one wants this disease, no one asks for it, but do you reckon your path may have continued in self destruct mode had you not gone home, not had tears for your mum, not realising we are mortal?
I reckon your mum said goodbye to the old you that day, and she's looking out that big shiny window in heaven that never ever needs cleaning, ready to welcome the new you when you are old and grey. When you have loved, cared for and nurtured your own offspring as your beloved mum did you.
I can tell her love for you ran deep, otherwise the angst you feel wouldn't exist.
Every time you remember her, remember a good time too. The happy memories will take over and you can let your mum live on through photos and funny stories to your kids.
Let go of your guilt.
It's not your fault. Never was. Never will be. Things happen. Not always in the way we want however.
You take good care of you. Make your mum even prouder.
May God bless you on your journey.
xxxxxxxx