Hi Everyone...haven't been here for a while...so much has happened. Last time I was here, my mum was in hospital on so many meds. She wasn't recieving adequate care there & she was brought home. She was still using her communication device with a bit of help, she could move her legs but not walk. That was 2 mo. ago. Now she's in a hospital bed in the livingroom with round-the-clock nurses, a visiting doc has rx as much morhine as she needs (lots) & she refuses to go on a respirator or to hospital. Her breathing worsened last week. She's aware when I visit & able to make a bit of noise, coughs a lot and instead of her usual crying, she now has "that serious look" in her eyes.It's such a helpless feeling, yet at the same time, I don't want her to suffer anymore. I know that her refusal to be intubated means that she wants to pass from this life. I feel like I'm sitting on a ticking time bomb, waiting for "The Call" My stepfather doesn't want to even speak to me or want me to visit much. (Past hurts that he won't put aside). I found out about her breathing from a call from my aunt in England, who got a call from my stepdad. I live in the same city as my mom; I moved across the country to be here. Now, all I can do is wait...it's so hard. I saw her 4 days ago & I'm going to try to visit again tonight...what do I say? I told her how much I love her, how great she is as a mom & I know that she doesn't hold anything against me like my stepfather does. She told me all is forgiven, mos. ago. All I see in her eyes now is that look...the same look she gave me when I first moved here & she was able to verbalize that if she had ALS, then she wanted to die. She was in denial for so long, then she was so depressed & crying all the time. Now she's serious. I pray for her everyday, at mass I light a candle each week, I talk to my priest, I see a shrink every week to deal with this...& still, what can prepare me for this? I've watched a vibrant woman go completely downhill in just one year. I try to look at the blessings: that at least I moved out here & that we got to say things to each other that we may never had the chance to...yet still I'm so scared. Thanks for letting me vent, thank you for this forum of people who understand & I thank God for giving my mom a loving place to be when the pain is all over. And still I'm so scared. Adele