Barbie
Extremely helpful member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2007
- Messages
- 2,684
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 01/2007
- Country
- US
- State
- FL
- City
- orlando
Hey everyone. like this thread a lot. so let me tell you what is going on with me a year and a half in. It seems like so much longer that a year and a half. I feel like he has been gone for several years. I think I am recovering very well, but still have bad moments. I am happy very happy over all. but I think about my Lonny every single day and sometimes several times a day. the first 9 months I couldn't get ALS Lonny out of my head and then it switched and I remembered him healthy again. I realized about 2 weeks ago that every time I think of him now it is ALS Lonny again...
I am selling my house, the one we built together and raised our family in and he died in. I love that house but cant wait to be rid of it. I am not living in it now, and every time I go over to pack I end up sitting on the couch or taking a nap and feeling down with no energy to do the packing. I have been packing the house for 6 months as we lived there for 22 years together. one evening I found a box of mementos in the attic. in it was all kinds of family letters. a big pile of letters an old boyfriend wrote me before Lonny and a big pile of letters that Lonny's old girlfriend wrote him. only a couple of letters from him to me. amazed to look at his handwriting. thinking about his hopes and dreams so many years ago. I sat there and cried myself sick that night!! (not because of the love letters--just the whole sadness and mess of everything.) I have had friends come on different occasions and help me pack since I don't seem to get anything done. Honestly when I l eave that house I feel like a weight is lifted off me. When I am at my new house I feel energized and excited and able to think about projects.
Christmas number two wasn't bad...I thought of him and missed him and was a little sad but nothing like the year before. Valentines was bad--I was listening to Pandora and it seemed like every song that came on was one that meant something to him or me. two of the songs from his memorial played back to back. coincidence? I think not
so the big thing is I started dating. and I am in love. I can not even believe it. but it is weird--In many ways I believe that Lonny had a hand it in--there was so much suffering for so so many years on my part just like his. and I know he loved me and wanted my happiness even if he maybe wasn't all there or cared at the end. my kids are ok with it and are happy for me. they like the guy a lot. Lonny's family met him and like him. and they are all for me dating and behind me 100%. still I feel a little guilty about it. like I should not be so happy. even if the happiness is tinged with a little sadness. and I am afraid and think about what if--no not what if but when--this guy gets sick. what will I do? I am not afraid of the dying but the run up to it. not even afraid of the run, but just not sure I can suffer again and care for someone again and lose them again. does that make sense? he is divorced so he doesn't quite understand that. but other widows and widowers do. and on top of all that, I am embarrassed that I feel so happy and lucky.
I want you all to know that I think of you guys often and how much this forum meant to me back in the day. I hurt for the new members and wish this disease was just a bad dream for all of us.
anyway--hugs and kisses to everyone!
I am selling my house, the one we built together and raised our family in and he died in. I love that house but cant wait to be rid of it. I am not living in it now, and every time I go over to pack I end up sitting on the couch or taking a nap and feeling down with no energy to do the packing. I have been packing the house for 6 months as we lived there for 22 years together. one evening I found a box of mementos in the attic. in it was all kinds of family letters. a big pile of letters an old boyfriend wrote me before Lonny and a big pile of letters that Lonny's old girlfriend wrote him. only a couple of letters from him to me. amazed to look at his handwriting. thinking about his hopes and dreams so many years ago. I sat there and cried myself sick that night!! (not because of the love letters--just the whole sadness and mess of everything.) I have had friends come on different occasions and help me pack since I don't seem to get anything done. Honestly when I l eave that house I feel like a weight is lifted off me. When I am at my new house I feel energized and excited and able to think about projects.
Christmas number two wasn't bad...I thought of him and missed him and was a little sad but nothing like the year before. Valentines was bad--I was listening to Pandora and it seemed like every song that came on was one that meant something to him or me. two of the songs from his memorial played back to back. coincidence? I think not
so the big thing is I started dating. and I am in love. I can not even believe it. but it is weird--In many ways I believe that Lonny had a hand it in--there was so much suffering for so so many years on my part just like his. and I know he loved me and wanted my happiness even if he maybe wasn't all there or cared at the end. my kids are ok with it and are happy for me. they like the guy a lot. Lonny's family met him and like him. and they are all for me dating and behind me 100%. still I feel a little guilty about it. like I should not be so happy. even if the happiness is tinged with a little sadness. and I am afraid and think about what if--no not what if but when--this guy gets sick. what will I do? I am not afraid of the dying but the run up to it. not even afraid of the run, but just not sure I can suffer again and care for someone again and lose them again. does that make sense? he is divorced so he doesn't quite understand that. but other widows and widowers do. and on top of all that, I am embarrassed that I feel so happy and lucky.
I want you all to know that I think of you guys often and how much this forum meant to me back in the day. I hurt for the new members and wish this disease was just a bad dream for all of us.
anyway--hugs and kisses to everyone!
