Time to reflect

[gooseberry]

I desperately wish I had a letter or note with kind words from Steve. He didnt write me anything by hand or computer. It makes me very sad.

 

[Neilswife]

Gooseberry,

I am sorry. I did not mean to make you sad by mentioning my husband wrote me a letter. Not everyone is good with putting words on paper themselves, but maybe you have a greeting card he once gave you that you can read and it will remind you of how much he loved you or even a very special memory you can bring to mind when you need to feel close to him.

 

[gooseberry]

Neilswife, While Steve was able to write, I asked him to leave a mote for our son. If mot write it then leave a verbal message. He didnt do either.

It makes me sad because some things he could have done to help in the process of life for us, he refused to do.

 

[Neilswife]

Gooseberry,

I am so sorry you must grieve what you were unable to get. All these things add to your burden. Just try to remember some good in the midst of all the sad. Sending a hug and hope your way.

 

[KatieNBoyd]

Hi Goose and everybody else.

I have found notes that I had saved from when Jon and I first met. I have found Birthday cards and Anniversary cards from over the years. I have also remembered that I had saved some silly voice messages on my iPad (that I don't use anymore). I look at these and listen to his strong happy voice and I feel better about not finding a last note. These things remind me of the happiness that we did have. It is helping push the other things that I have found (that were not so good) out of the way.

These are notes, cards, and voice of the Man I knew and loved who loved me dearly. I know that in my head and heart now.
Love you all
Katie

 

[gooseberry]

We have made a "memory wall". We choose pictures Julien and I love that show our happy and fun time. It keeps us going on the ugly days.

 

[gooseberry]

Starting to care for myself.....what a hard road. Somehow I lost the idea that I matter. Nice remembering that from time to time.

 

[KatieNBoyd]

A friend of our lost his new wife unexpectedly last week on my birthday (they believe a blood clot) she was 49. They had the funeral today. I managed to attend and did not lose it completely with the help of a couple of friends. Upon getting home I was exhausted and had to lay down. Today is 2 months for me. I feel like I make it forward just a little and then bam...backward I go. Hugs to you all who are in this same boat. I don't feel so alone.

 

[affected]

Yeah I'm not that good at truly caring for myself either Steph - I hope you get onto it!

Katie, 2 months is such a short time. It takes quite a while to physically start to recover, and far longer emotionally. And we are never the same as we were before ALS of course.

In some ways I still feel like I lost Chris yesterday, and in other ways I have a hard time figuring that it even truly happened at all.

 

[gooseberry]

Ahhh, ladies.....strange how it all works. I decided self care means different things for different people. I get out once a month for breakfast or dinner with a friend. I got lawn service and a housekeeper. They both come every 2 weeks. Not a lot of money but the reduced stress is worth it. I got a facial a few weeks ago and loved it. I realized afterwards how "tired" I looked. Went and got a new haircut and color.

I would never say spending money is the key but for me, the freedom to truly care for me, is liberating. Julien said my foggy cloud is clearing and my sun is starting to shine. I think that is pretty accurate.

 

[KatieNBoyd]

I have decided to "be a part of my solution and not part of my problem" This advice given to me in a group recently. I have found when I go looking for the negative stuff and memories it is like fishing in a pond of yucky stuff. Spring in Montana is beautiful. When I begin to remember the awful days of Jon's death and before I have to replace them with the many many beautiful days and nights we shared those can not be taken away. But they can be forgotten if I don't work to keep them. Love you all. Sending you big hugs.

Goose You sound good.. I too think I have been tired looking when I look in the mirror. I should consider a facial!

 

[gooseberry]

Talked to my financial person yesterday. Not that I am well off but she is helping me navigate the life insurance/retirement/provide for my son swamp. She told me I looked good....younger,rested and relaxed. It was so good to hear. She gave me the thumbs up to continue doing things for us as long as I dont overspend.

Sounds crazy to seek approval but I have needed it. I started my diet, doctor supervised, last week. I am feeling better and am hopeful it works.

 

[affected]

Good on you Steph. Remember there are no right or wrong ways to do this - if you need a little approval at this point, then you got it! Doesn't mean you always will. Then again, getting advice and direction from an expert is plain smart

 

[gooseberry]

Tillie....I double check with her because of Julien. In my kind I need to know he can be okay financially.

We had a hard weekend. Steves uncle died Friday, went to a celebration gathering for a friends mom, and steves dad fell and hit his head. We are glad to be jome and sheltered.

 

[affected]

Sorry you had such an awful weekend Steph