Jokes Thread

[Zaphoon]

NEVER, EVER, QUESTION

A DRUNK!

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of lettuce, A 2 lb. Can of coffee and A 1 lb. Package of bacon As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated
-- 'You must be single.'



I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the

derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Ms. Right. I looked at

the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my

selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.



Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on

earth did you know that?'



The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly.'

 

[Al]

My boss phoned me today, he said, "I s everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you."

 

[susanf]

Keep em' coming!

 

[Zaphoon]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

 

[rcharlton]

My apologies if this has been previously posted.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports to the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust every natural resource I have made. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord sighed, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[brooksea]

Thanks, Richard! I'd "heard" that before, but it was great to read tonight! Thanks!

 

[momap53]

I got this one from a friend of mine today.

‎3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. He told them, "We have reached your destination guys".
The 1st guy gave him money & 2nd guy said "thank u".
The 3rd guy gave the driver a slap. The driver was shocked, thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But he asked "what's that for?". The 3rd guy replied. "CONTROL UR SPEED NEXT TIME, U NEARLY KILLED US!

 

[Zaphoon]

Girlfriend Tech Support E-mail


I am currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode
and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find
the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it
works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Fishing 97
program, often trying to abort Fishing 97 with some sort of timing
incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but
I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After
months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were
supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus
anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I
very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked
okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my
system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that
automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and
communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal
of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure
language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there
is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware,
you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how
GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year
if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he
had to upgrade to Wife 1.0 which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of
the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came
bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation
module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife
1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do
anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I
told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try
to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0
won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Any Ideas?

 

[Zaphoon]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. (now, if that is true, why do I relate to him?)

Here are some of his gems:
------------------------------------------------

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Half the people you know are below average.

3 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

4 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

6 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

7 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.

8 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

9 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

10 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

11 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

12 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

13 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

14 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

16 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

17 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good

18 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

19 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

21 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

22 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

23 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

24 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

25 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

26 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

27 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

28 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

29 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

30 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And an all-time favorite:

31 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

[peter57]

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee"
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.



"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully ,"Thank God we can all still drive."




cheers

Peter

 

[Zaphoon]

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Montana.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

P.S. (disclaimer...)
I have a friend that sends this type of thing to me in spam fashion. I meant to delete it but it was posted here by some fluke.

 

[Al]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over

here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to

get started."



Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"



The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box,

it's a rooster."



Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.



She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the

table.



He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her

and says,



"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to

assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."



He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a

nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............




(scroll down)























"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Description: []

 

[Zaphoon]

Al, I hadn't heard that one before. It has to be a classic! I got a good chuckle out of it!

 

[Zaphoon]

SOME THINGS REGARDING CHILDREN:

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle.'

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

POLICE
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day Ifound her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

 

[Susan10]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."