Lata07
I know that it is very hard to escape from the things our minds can do to us; we tend to assume that we are in the drivers seat but it is not that simple.
I personally came to this forum because a close family member has neurological problems; after 10 days in hospital without a final diagnosis that family member became profoundly concerned about ALS.
I did not know anything about ALS, but I recognised the mental problems my family member was suffering because I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and the symptoms were very familiar.
I was blown up by an exploding oxygen regulator when I was 36 weeks pregnant; the technician who fitted it managed to save us by getting the cylinder switched off, burning his hands down to the bone in the process, and we were able to get the fires under control before the fire brigade could get there, which is just as well because there were another 5 full cylinders in the room. There are very few people who have survived being trapped in a room with a fire being fed by pure oxygen, and I am sorry to say that I was praying for the cylinders to explode so I would not be roasted to death. The explosions would have killed a lot of people so it was a very selfish prayer.
One might think that just surviving it would be wonderful; in reality I ended up with massive flash-backs which I had no control over, and I still have from time to time. That's over 26 years ago, and the baby I was carrying is the person who now has the neurological problems. So I recognised the anxiety as something which felt very, very, much like my own response to being blown up and I think this may apply to others beyond my family member.
The good news is that I had cognitive therapy which did help and I think it may help you too. The thing which helped my child was my marathon read-aloud of the DIHALS thread, starting with the stickies and proceeding on from there, so if you have a good friend or member of your family who could help in that way then it's definitely worth a try.
You have the chance to stop destroying yourself; I very much hope you will take it. But I know how hard it is, so try taking it one step at a time, and remember that no-one expects overnight miracles. Good luck!