Your opinion please

I'd like to talk to my mom about getting hospice. However, I think actually talking to her would be bad for both of us. One, she'd get too upset and I would too. Two, I think that I wouldn't speak as freely in front of my stepdad.

I was going to write a letter, that her best friend (who I talk to frequently) could read to her/with her when she was visiting. I wrote her a long note in a card earlier this year and I know she was grateful.

Do you think it's okay for me to do this?

Can you arrange a time when you and your mom are alone for a bit. Write the letter... but YOU give it to her and be there when she reads it.

Katie C said:

Can you arrange a time when you and your mom are alone for a bit. Write the letter... but YOU give it to her and be there when she reads it.

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This is difficult because the only time my stepdad isn't there is when he's at work, and that's when I'm at work. He's always there when i am there.

Can you ask him for some time alone with your mum. Surely he wouldn't mind. I agree with Katie, although hard, you need to do this yourself. Reading a letter is a good idea, if you think it would be too emotional to just blurt it out.

Have you spoken with the hospice agency yet? I contacted hospice for my husband this past June and it was so hard because I felt like we were giving up. After speaking with hospice I realized someone else could manage all the phone calls etc. to medical personel about equipment, needs, screw ups in paperwork, etc. Hospice would cover medications neither medicare or our insurance would cover. A nurse comes 1x a week for vitals and any problems and I have access to on-call care 24/7.

All the administrative burden is gone and hospice can be very helpful; There are applications of meds such as a topical ibuprofen gel for aches(helpful when swallowing is challenging) that I didn't know existed.

I guess what I'm saying is hospice isn't giving up to die.

Hi Lisa,

At least I think your name is Lisa.

I agree with the others, it's about getting help.
It takes many hands, the more the better.

I've been on hospice care for two years now.

Best of luck,
Shane the Pain

Well, knowing that opinions are like a**holes, I'm going to risk sounding like one. Actually, this is more a suggestion. Your mileage may vary.

What about approaching it like this:

I am concerned about you and would feel much relieved to see you get more support. I have been reading and communicating with people online and there are some resources available that you may or may not be aware of. Would you be open to hearing about them?

Or not. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship so maybe the letter is better. I think the word "hospice" can be scary so that is why I used the words "support" and "resources".

I'm sorry to hear this is so difficult. I hope your mother and stepfather can hear your intention.

Lobster, thanks. It is the word, I think, so maybe I will try that approach.

When my mother was dying of stage 4 cancer, when we said the word "hospice", she heard "giving up." We had to emphasize that it was for more support and more care, and that could leave hospice at any time -- if there was a medical breakthrough for her type of cancer, or if she just did not like it.

I hope things go as well as possible. This must be incredibly difficult for all of you.

Lobster, that is a wonderful way to put it. I was approached by our family doctor and our ALS clinic team about starting hospice for my husband several months ago. It really freaked me out, and I thought they were all trying to tell me the end was close, because hopsice has only been used in our family for other terminal illnesses for final days. Luckily, our family doctor saw that I was getting ready to fall apart and she explained it better to me. Lobster your approach was much better.

Good luck Lisa. I hope your letter and/or conversation goes well for both you and your mom.

Take care.

Lisa, I hope you will let us know whether you were successful in your approach!

Brook, I'd love to, but my parents keep cancelling on me. Always an excuse. She has to get her hair washed, my stepdad is tired, etc. My husband feels like she doesn't want us to see her like that so they keep cancelling, even though she wants to see us. This whole thing is just awful and I want it to be over.

Hospice is intended for the last 6 months of life, but it doesn't have to be. When my husband went on it, he had no plans to give up. He had complications with his feeding tube replacement and had to be hospitalized for a week. After that it took him awhile to get his immune system back up. He was hospitalized 2 more times in the next few months. He went on Hospice, so he wouldn't have to go into the hospital if he got sick. I know his case is unusual, but he was on it it for 4 1/2 years. He went off when he decided he no longer needed it or wanted it.

Your mom might think you are trying to sneak out of it by just giving the letter to your friend for her to read to your mom. You don't know the kind of reaction that your mom may have or your friend for that matter once the letter is read. It is better for you to be there. I am sure your stepdad can find something to busy himself with( mow the law, tend the garden, go grocery shopping, go to a hardware store...to name a few) for at least an hr. to give you some time. I think you might be surprised how grateful your mom is to bring up the 'elephant in the room' even if the only way you can do it is through the letter. Sometimes in life, we have to do thinks we don't always like to do
Good luck to you and your mom!

Also look for some brochures from some of the better agencies that explain it better. It's intended for aid to all--you as well as your mom and step-dad. There's only so much he can or should be doing himself.

I think I'd just 'show up' rather than trying to make an appt if it was me.