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dianan

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Loved one DX
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01/2010
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Not sure if this is the correct place for this thread. My mom has been gone for almost three months now. I've been so emotional these past three months. I get so angry so easily and I get hurt or upset and cry so easily. I started a job just after my mom passed. I didn't want anyone to know about my mom cuz I didn't want to be reminded or treated differently. It's been hard to keep everything to myself. When I see customers with their mom and people talking about doing crafts with their mom, I get so sad and wish I could do those things with my mom. Today a customer was very angry and told me she was never shopping here again. My managers witnessed the whole thing. The woman was clearly troubled and angry, but the way she acted caused me to lose it. I cried. Luckily my shift was over. I went home and cried for hours. I just want to curl up and go to sleep and never wake up. I want this to be a dream. I want to wake up and find that I've been living in a nightmare that's over and my mom is alive and well. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of being emotionally unstable. I'm tired of being sad about other people still having their mother when I don't have mine. She was only 57 when she died and didn't have a wrinkle on her face. I'm so angry that she was robbed of her life. She will never see her great-grandchildren. This is my first Christmas without her and I don't even want to celebrate.
 
Hi dianan: This is what is called GRIEF! It is hard work. You are angry at the people who don't understand. I lost my brother from ALS 3 weeks ago. I was annoyed that my co workers were in such a good mood for xmas and I just wanted to scream and say I'm hurting! Just pray about it if you are a believer. Many people go thru so many things. I lost my mom 7 yrs ago but I treasure all the good times. It sounds like you were close and that is not something that every girl gets. It is a nightmare and I"m not sure what all she went thru but I don't think there is any disease more cruel than ALS. Maybe tell someone at work that you trust. Also just confide in the friends you have that you can talk to. It 'll be therapeutic for you. I'll pray for you that you can find peace one day. Be kind to yourself. Beverly
 
Hi Dianan,

You poor baby--yes, grief is a horrible thing and you are carrying it all alone. your mom has not been gone all that long, but you really do need to talk about your feelings with someone. By not telling anyone at your new job--you have not allowed yourself the time you need to heal. I think it would be good to start by telling your manager today about your mom, and explain that you are feeling very emotional with the holidays arriving and it is your first Christmas without her. They will understand your outburst and you will probably feel better.

I can only say, do not keep it all bottled up. it is ok to cry and weep and grieve hard right now. Time does help heal. In the meantime, be very kind to yourself and gentle to your own heart. Reach out to others for help.

all my best,

Barbie
 
The one thing I've learned about this process is that I'm alone. Like PP said, you expect everyone to be sad with you and they aren't. My friends are tired of hearing about it but it's all I can think about. I'm pissed off! I want to scream and curse God. I'm a Christian and I'm having such a hard time because my dad has such a short time left.
 
The loss of someone you love is never easy, and it doesn't matter why you lost them. God can take you being angry at him, so if it helps, talk, cry or yell at him, but just keep communicating with him. I have lost close family members and it hurt so bad I couldn't even read a sentence or form a sensible thought. I am sure my friends didn't much enjoy my company, but they still hung in there for me. I dread losing my husband, knowing the hurt and the loneliness that I will face, but there is not much I can do about it. I know that I will sob until no sound comes out, force myself to eat even though it tastes like saw dust, and nearly crush my friends with my grief. I will hold my bible and cry, begging for the strength to go on one minute, and lay on my bed looking up screaming at God the next. But I will go on breathing, and slowly, so terribly slowly my heart will start to heal. Then one day, months down the road, I will hear a strange sound come out of me, and it will be laughter, something that I had not done for so long. When the fog of my brain starts to clear, I will work again, and I will look for ways to help others, because I know that while I am looking out for others, I am not looking in on my pain. I will slowly lift out of that dark place, and remember that I was blessed to have known such an amazing person, such a good person, one that made me feel so loved, and so precious that it nearly crushed me to lose them. And I will thank God, that I was given the opportunity to love someone like that, and to show them how much they meant to me before I lost them.

NO YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
We are here, and we will listen, and pray for you, and understand, and love you.
 
Hi Dianan, you are going through grieving process compounded by the fact that you are trying to carry it all alone and the christmas holidays. I know the latter might sound trite, but Christmas seems to be a time that magnifies grief and loneliness& it feels like everyone else is having a great time with their friends&families without any awareness of those suffering around them. Its a difficult time as it appears that everyone else is happy and it brings back memories of families and childhood.
I second Barbie's suggestion of telling your manager about your loss - they already probably sense something is up & unless they have a heart of stone will likely support you& cut you some slack in work. Then try to find someone to lean on a little-it wont take the pain away but it will make you feel a bit better to feel like someone cares. I hope things get easier.
 
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