Post things to cheer up people

[Peg B]

Hi,

I liked those stories.

My dog is 3/4 Pug and one 1/4 Havaneese. His nose sticks out and so his face is not as flat as Pugs. So even though he is almost 6, he still looks like a puppy. Sometimes he does stuff that drives us crazy, so the following was sent to us several times. It's called screen cleaner.

He still does this a lot, without seeking permission.

Hope you enjoy. Peg

 

[trustinggod]

Cute. Very, very cute.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[MarciaA]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject. And, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed ,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and asked ,
"IS THAT YOU, LORD?"

The voice replied ,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

Happy Tuesday!
Marcia

 

[ZenArcher]

Old is when...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN. Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD ' IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot

'OLD' IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door

'OLD' IS WHEN. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN. 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today

'OLD' IS WHEN. 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN. An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND 'OLD' IS WHEN. You are not sure these are jokes!

 

[Marjorie R. Wilcox]

Tickle Me Elmo

Did you all know that the new Tickle Me Elmo doll is anatomically correct?
Yes indeed, before they leave the factory they are each given two test tickles!

 

[MarciaA]

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote “Revelation 3:20″ on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.”

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.” Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”

Marcia

 

[ZenArcher]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!"

 

[paula-jane]

Okay...

During the 8 days we held a bedside vigil for my mum... more like a sit-in, and sometimes even a laugh-in. Some of the oddest, funniest and craziest moments of our lives happened.
I want to share them... maybe one at a time to let everyone know that even with death close to us all... there are lighter, funny moments.

We all have one of them... every family has one of them. I'm blessed with TWO of them... off the wall, oddball brother and an uncle. My uncle (mum's brother) arrived from Scotland to say his good-bye's to his sister. The wonderful palliative care doctor had just spent some time with the family helping us to decide on the best pain meds for mum and to speak with the family about how we are all coping etc... At the end of a difficult conversation and as the doctor is making his way to the front door... he asks if there is anything else he can do for us. Well, my uncle (in thick scottish brogue) pipes up... Aye, can ya gae me anything far me constipation? Well... doctor just smiled and made his exit.
Later that evening while serving up food with my aunt, we were both laughing so hard.. I passed her the big bottle of citro-mag (liquid laxative), crushed up a couple of oral laxatives for his dinner and passed him a suppository and told him to shove it up his.....

Mum could hear us... we asked her to blink if she heard us and if she thought that was funny... and she gave us a big blink.

 

[brooksea]

Thanks paula-jane for sharing that! Look forward to more stories from you!:-D

 

[paula-jane]

Okay...
it did not seem funny at the time.. but, I'm having a laugh now...
picturing my brother and my uncle at the end of my mum's bed just before she passed.
My brother... actually dozing off to sleep while the rest of us are trying to keep the emotions at bay and let her pass away... next thing we know... my aunt slugs my brother across the chest.. woke him up for a few minutes before he started head bobbing again... Oh my goodness... my brother is a piece of work! I looked across to my uncle to find him in a yoga pose humming to himself... takes all kinds I guess. Gotta laugh now!

 

[Peg B]

Hi,

My mother came "home" from Florida because she had Parkinson Disease. Little did we know, for her it effected her mind more than her body. Anyway, after three days we found out she also had lung cancer and then another cancer. (WAIT - this is not a sad story) After four years of taking increasingly more care of her and reworking lots of information she would mix up, the following occured.

She was in the hospital and I went to visit. She told me my Uncle (her brother in law) was upstairs in the hospital. I explained very patiently, with a sigh, and probably somewhat condescendingly, that I talked to my cousin the day before and my uncle and aunt were on vacation down South. She said, "No he is here." Again, I started in my patient tone to explain... and she interrrupted me very clearly. "No, your uncle was on vacation, he started hemorrhaging and they brought him here. Paul and Phil and Jean, are here and they all stopped by to see me. - SO THERE!. and she stuck her tongue out at me. I laughed, apologized and never spoke down to her again. She was right you know. Best Wishes, Peg

 

[MtPockets]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

'Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

 

[DeeMichelle]

Thanks lots for starting this thread

This really is a fantastic forum I've got tonnes of info about ALS and now jokes....

The poodle joke is great I've told it everyone and it reminds me of a book called The Gruffalo by Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler which is really great for kids under 6. Anyway, I don't have a joke as good as that but here goes...GROAN...

1. The Pope flies into Britain and is met at the airport by the best limousine in the world it has every gadget you can imagine.

The driver opens the door for the Pope and the Pope says "Wow can I drive?"

Driver says "No way Your Holiness it's more than my life's worth my job is to keep you safe."

Pope says "Please let me drive I'm really a very good driver."

Driver "No way Most Holy Father."

Pope "Look now I'm the Pope and yep I am Most Holy so let me drive and I'll bless you." The driver reluctantly lets the Pope drive. The Pope drives along happily, but then gets faster and faster and pretty soon they hear sirens as the police signal for the limo to pull over. The Pope winds down the window and says "Officer I am very sorry, but I can explain this extraordinary situation."

Police officer who looks ashen says "Your Holiness please wait while I radio my superior."

Police officer speaks to control unit "Get me the Chief of Police fast"

Control "You can't speak to the Chief"

Police Officer "I must NOW!"

Chief of Police comes on "This better be good."

Police Officer "Sir I pulled over a Limo that was going at over 100 miles an hour God must be in the back because The Pope is the chauffeur."

2. Man goes on a training course to do a parachute jump. He's very frightened, but tries really hard. He tells the course leaders that he's really afraid that his parachute won't open.
They say "Don't worry it's easy count 123 pull the cord the chute will open if it doesn't count 123 pull the emergency cord that will open."

On the day of the jump no-one least of all the man himself is sure that he will do it, but to everyone's surprise he jumps. As he descends nothing happens " Agghhh PANIC no Ok I can do this 123 pull." Nothing happens "Agghh No oK emergency chute 123 pull." Nothing happens.

Then suddenly a miracle out of no where a man wearing overalls is flying towards him like superman and grabs hold of him. The parachutist says "OH thank God do you know what to when a parachute fails to open?"

Flying man says " No I know *!*!* all about parachutes and I realise now I also know *!*!* all about gas boilers!"

 

[Al]

Needed to get this back up.
AL.

 

[BethU]

Eagles may soar ... but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.