Post things to cheer up people

[MtPockets]

Just a few things to maybe bring a smile to your face.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you can ask him”.



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes”, the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted,”Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

Feel free to share something funny to get our minds off other things, if just for a minute.

:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D


God Bless,
Capt. AL

 

[janf]

Thanks

Thanks mississippi man That was so cute, out of the mouths of babes, gotto love-em. I have a new g- baby girl to be born tomorrow. children or the light of my life on this earth. Bless you and yours at CHRIST-mas. janf

 

[jkp]

My two cents worth

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed............. "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

We got a good laugh out of this!
Jon

 

[MarciaA]

A man unwrapped a Christmas present to find a jigsaw puzzle inside. He marveled at the beautiful picture on the box and was so excited to get started on it. Then a look of great disappointment came upon his face. "What's wrong?" his family asked him. He replied, "I think I'll have to exchange this puzzle...it must be REALLY hard." His family couldn't figure it out...it only had 500 pieces...what was hard about that? Then he explained..."The box says 7 to 12 years...I don't want a puzzle that takes THAT long to put together!

Marcia

 

[MtPockets]

Now that's what I mean. I got a great laugh out of those. Join in people and let's help put a smile on everyone's face.
:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D
:mrgreen::roll::roll::wink::lol::lol:

God Bless,
Capt. AL

 

[MtPockets]

I was shopping at a Wal-Mart and noticed a little old lady following me around.
I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me. She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me. Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.
That comes to $121.85, "said the clerk. "How come so much I only bought 5 items?"
The clerk replied, "Yeah , but your mother said you would be paying for her things too."

 

[CindyM]

Now that's a good joke, MT!

 

[jkp]

Another

Reaching the end of a job...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

Jon

 

[dana]

-I thought this was funny-

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it." Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young trooper said, "No,
he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"


-Dana-

 

[Al]

In keeping with the holiday spirit.


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the

pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each

possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get

into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He

flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man

reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and

said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly

gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and

finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just

what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."




And So The Holiday Season Begins....

 

[MtPockets]

Two Aggies, Bubba and Junior, were standing at the base of a flagpole,
looking up.

A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the
pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We
ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the
reconstruction of the New Orleans levees.

 

[Rhonda]

What kids say

My husband has a thing about being 5 ft. back from the tv, so he told my grand daughter
to get back 5 ft. from the tv and she says grand daddy I don't have 5 feet. You had to be there. Grandkids are a true blessing from God. HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Rhonda

 

[Mike27]

Thought I'd bump this thread forward. Laughter is the best medicine!
------------:mrgreen:

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over,
so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the
$50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch,
it's a Lexus.

 

[Mike27]

Here's a real groaner for you...

Two ropes walk into a saloon...they go up to the bar and ask the bartender for a couple of beers.
The bartender takes one look at them and says "You two get outta here! We don't serve ropes here!"

The ropes leave and go into the next saloon. They go up to the bar and order a couple of beers. The same thing happens. The bartender looks at them and says "We don't serve ropes here! Git!"

Dejected, they leave. Then one rope had an idea! He said to his friend "Here, tangle me up and mess up the top of my head.."

Now, with confidence, the two ropes walk into a third saloon. They go up to the bar and say "Bartender! Two beers please!" The bartender eyes them carefully and says "Are you a rope?"

The rope replies "I'm a frayed knot!"

 

[rcharlton]

This happened to me a few years ago (true story) (the build up is a bit long but it is worth it - so be patient - I transcribed the story below about 30 minutes after the incident happened - I happened at work - and I work in a small office with my dad and some others):

About half an hour ago, I was in the office kitchen. The kitchen is
immediately to the right of our front door. While I was in the , our front door opens and in walks two of our biggest clients. I was dressed pretty casually as I was leaving work early. I was a little embarrassed to be caught dressed as I was, but I knew them both quite well (well enough to joke with). As soon
as they saw what I was wearing they started laying into me about my attire
("Well I guess you are taking casual day to new extremes" "You look like
you were just kicked off the show "Survivor"" "Wow, look at those pasty
white chicken legs") I took the abuse in good form, and once they let up
on the comments, I turned and went about my business. Well, no sooner did I
turn than I heard both of the clients exploded into fits of laughter and
begin to whisper to each other "Oh my god, he has got.... whisper whisper".
Before I could find out what the cause of this laughter was, my father came
out to greet them and escort both into the board room to discuss business.

A few minutes later I was talking with my co-worker (and friend) Shannon,
when all of a sudden my dad, having walked out of the board room and upon
the advice of the two clients, walks up to me, twists me around and removes
a two foot length of toilet paper that was hanging from the back of my
shorts. The behaviour of our two clients was now all too clear.

I returned to my office to resume work - after about a minute, I heard the sound of someone gasping for air. After Shannon had seen the toilet paper, she fell into uncontrollable fits of laughter and had trouble breathing. When I saw her condition, I also went into hysterics and we were both laughing for
a solid 10 minutes (I can still hear her giggling - and the incident happened over an hour and a half ago). Shannon is also 8 months pregnant and I am afraid that all this laughter may trigger a pre-mature
labour. I wonder if toilet paper has ever caused an early delivery before?