Mom is nearing the end

[dianan]

My mom is showing signs of her kidneys shutting down and she isn't able to keep any food or water down. I know the time is getting close to her passing. I'm 33 and my mom is 58. I always thought she would be really old when she died. I mourned for her when I first heard about her diagnoses. I'm a very interpersonal person. I don't like to cry in front of others and I hate funerals. I don't even want to go to my mom's funeral when the time comes, but I don't want people to think I don't care about her. What can I do to get through it?

 

[Barbie]

Hi Dianan,

I am so sorry to hear that your mom is nearing the end. I know it has been hard for you both. Don't worry what other people think...the people who know you and who count (and your mom most of all) will know how much you care and hurt. Many people do not cry at funerals...I know I didn't at my mom's. I was sad, but also glad that her suffering was over (Alzheimer's) the majority of funerals that I have been to the family is composed and solemn. I have never heard anything bad said about them. grief is a personal experience and most intelligent people realize this.

I did hear and interesting in story once at a support group meeting. the woman telling the story had just lost her dad to ALS. she and her husband cared for him without any help in their home until the end. her brother lived about 2 miles away, and would always make excuses for not stopping by and would never help or even stay with him so she and her husband could have a break. she said at the funeral she was calm and happy that his suffering was over, but her brother was in hysterics. they had to drag him away from the grave site. she said she knew she had done all she could, but he was wracked with guilt and that was what was wrong with him. he was going to carry that a long time...

 

[vickim]

I have not faced the situation you are in. I don't know if I have any answers for you. I would say do what is right for you. Your mom knows you love her and ask her what her wishes are and go from there. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am praying and sending a big cyber hug and strength.

 

[ottawa girl]

Dianan,

I feel very bad for you. You are facing the cruelest of the cruelest events. You will do what is best for you. Funerals are not for the dead - they're for the living - those left behind, to carry on. I'm thinking that funerals are an opportune time to celebrate the goodness of our loved one, the goodness of life and the wonders of the universe. You may be surprised at the uplifting support your friends and family can bring you. If you let them. You needn't cry either.

 

[dianan]

Thanks, everyone, for your support and encouragement. I do feel better about it now. I had a dream about my mom last night and it woke me up to tears early this morning. I haven't cried for a long time. I have so many mixed feelings right now. I'm a Christian and sometimes I trust God that He's allowing my mom to go through this for a good reason, but other times I'm so angry with Him.

 

[Uptown]

Dianan, I am also a Christian. I don't believe our loving God really wants to or makes someone go through such a horrible time especially with ALS. We live in a broken world and that is more because of the free will of man. God doesn't promise us perfection in this world. He does promise is He will walk with us no matter what, carrying us when we need it. The real promise for Christians is our belief in what happens after this broken world. Keep the faith and understand all the feelings you are experiencing is not uncommon considering all you and your family is experiencing. Praying for comfort and peace for you.

 

[dldred]

My mom didn't want a wake and funeral, she wanted us to celebrate her life so that is exactly what we did. I cried a lot when I knew I was losing her but after she passed I had a sense of peace and comfort and I think she was giving that to me. I thought for sure I would be a wreck but I wasn't. If you need to cry then cry, but just know that you are not alone and you will find the strength that you need to get through it. If you need to talk you can contact me anytime.

Dana

 

[Ms. Pie]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this along with your Dear Mom. Can your doctor prescribe some Xanax for you to take the edge off?

 

[hjlindley]

Celebrate her life, and find someone to confide in. It also helped me as the mother was going, not from ALS, to privately journal my feelings. Good luck, and the Xanax might help.

 

[BlueK58]

First off, I am really sorry to hear about your mom. My mom also has ALS and is in the end stages so i understand how you are feeling. I am dreading the day of my mothers funeral too. I recently sent out a text to a few close friends (i am also my moms caregiver so i don't have time to call/visit often) and just let them know what was going on with her and basically said that if i act distant, strange or cold its just because I am having a hard time processing it all. I was nervous to do so but i received a lot of positive responses and support. I think sometimes people want to help and console you so much that they might not understand that what you need is a little space and time to process it all. Maybe if you tell them how you deal now you won't have that added stress when the time comes. Funerals are very hard and i wish you and your family the best of luck

 

[dianan]

We had a meeting with Hospice today and found GOOD NEWS! My mom's kidneys are fine--she had eaten a lot of beets that made her urine look like there was blood in it. She had an UTI so she got on antibiotics yesterday. She looked so much better today. I told her "no more beets". I'm just so glad she's doing better. Hospice is taking really good care of her and they really care about her.