jokes

[Txgirl]

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if
he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even
said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back
home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie
looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank
you, Little Johnnie." Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and
beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.

Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the
Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said little
Johnnie, "coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses".

 

[AfraidButNotAlone]

How many dyslexics does it take to screw a big bull hint?

 

[frankb]

A drunken man staggers in a Catholic church and wonders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down, but says nothing.

After waiting a few minutes, allowing the drunken man time to collect his thoughts, the priest grows inpatient and coughs to attract the drunk's attention. But, still, the man says nothing, so the priest taps on the partition.

Finally, the drunk responds: "No use knockin' mate, there ain't no paper in this one either."

 

[AfraidButNotAlone]

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

 

[affected]

here you go pearshoot

How many University Graduates does it take to change a light bulb ?

One, but it may take up to seven years !

 

[frankb]

Why athletes don't/can't hold regular job and the danger of having sports role models for kids:

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saints RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for f1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl", Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom too."

Torrin Polk, Univ of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann ): "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

 

[vickim]

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for
laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty
shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his
breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a
ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"My family are such fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my
name and here I have to correct it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: Why can't the boy ghost have babies?
A: Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

Q: Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
A: Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Q: What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
A: Fasten your sheet belts...

Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
A: Ghoul

Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo

Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A: For the Boos.

Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.

Q: What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A: A scareplane...

Q: Why doesn't Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat.
A: Because of the coffin.

Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
A: Because he is always a goblin.

Q: What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?
A: Whipped scream.

Q: What are ghosts' favorite kind of streets?
A: Dead ends

Q: What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
A: Mas-scare-a.

Q: Where do ghosts buy their food?
A: At the ghost-ery store

Q: Where do ghosts mail their letters?
A: At the ghost office

Q: What's a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival?
A: The roller ghoster

 

[AfraidButNotAlone]

Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom?

He had noBODY to dance with.

 

[vickim]

Q: Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
A: The whatwolves, the whowolves and the when wolves.

Q: Where do most werewolves live?
A: In howllywood, CaliforniaQ: Who was the most famous witch detective?
A: Warlock Holmes

Q: What do they teach in witching school?
A: Spelling.

Q: Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?
A: They're afraid of flying off the handle

Q: What do witches use in their hair?
A: Scare-spray

Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A: A sand-witch.

Q: What do you call two spiders that just got married?
A: Newlywebbed

Q: Where do most goblins live?
A: in North and South Scarolina.

Q: What do Italian's eat on Halloween?
A: Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)

 

[AfraidButNotAlone]

A lawyer & a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are slow & dumb. So the lawyer asks the senior if he would like to play a game. The senior declines, but the lawyer persists. "The game is fun, I ask you a question & if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one & if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00!" So the senior agrees. The lawyer asks the 1st question "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Senior doesn't know so he gives the lawyer $5. Now, it's the senior's turn. "What goes up a hill with 3 legs & comes down with 4?" The lawyer calls all his smart friends & uses his laptop but could not find the answer. So he hands the senior $500.00. The senior immediately falls back asleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer so he wakes the senior & says, "Well, so what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?" The senior reaches into his pocket & hands the lawyer $5.00 & goes back to sleep

 

[AfraidButNotAlone]

A sloth is walking home from work when he is attacked by a renegade gang of boxer turtles. The turtles take all of the sloth's money and beat him soundly.

The police arrive and ask the sloth what happened.

The sloth replies: "Geez officers, it all happened so fast..."

 

[frankb]

An elderly couple in the 70s were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.