skipper66's blog

Hi Dad,

 Hi Dad,

              It's only been six months since you passed but it seems longer then that to me. I miss you so much. Cindy, is driving me crazy trying to control me all the time. I know she means well but I am about to go crazy with her need to control my every move.

Miss you dad.

Hi Dad, I miss you so much dad. I just wish you were here to talk too. I still look at the clock at 11:30 in the morning and at 7 at night and then remember that I can no longer call you. Yesterday, was a hard day for me. It was 23 years ago that Brian asked for your permission to ask me to marry him. Dad, What should I do? I still love him so much. Should I throw in the towel? Is there still hope for us? We still love each other. I am so lonely.

My biggest secret!

My dad as you all know has ALS. He will turn 80 on Sept 11th. It was two years ago in May since his diagnosis. Here is my secret shame. Around the first of the year in January of 2012 my dad still was able to live in the same home town as me in central Illinois. I was having a very hard time dealing with the fact that my dad has ALS. I was even breaking down in tears at work. Luckily, only one time did someone notice and it was a few co-workers and not some outsiders. They were very understanding when I told them what was upsetting me.

Biography of Me (Skipper)

I thought I'd write a little about who I am. My name given name is Kim. I chose the name Skipper as my profile name after my beloved dog. I will be 48 in just a few days. I am the youngest of three children. My brother is 2 1/2 years older and my sister 1 1/2. I have lived in the same small town in Central Illinois my entire life. Our subdivision was right by our park so it was quite a bit of fun growing up there. The park had a community pool then that was quite popular.

Just blabbering

I am excited because I will be going to Texas to see my dad in 8 more days. I haven't seen him since a few days after Christmas and it was a very short visit. The kids had to get back for school. We could of stayed longer but we didn't know it. Illinois got struck by a major icestorm and school was out for a additional week. Go figure! I am a little nervous about seeing dad. I can be in denial a little bit about his condition by just talking to him on the phone twice a day.

Guilt!

I feel so bad for all the PALS/CALS on here and what they are going through. They want to find a cure so bad for themselves and their loves one's . They want to live. I don't want to live anymore. Yes, I am scared about the pain and how I might eventually go. But, do I want to live anymore? I am tired of being lonely 24/7. So, hurt that I was asked for a divorce after almost twenty years of marriage. I cry so hard that I vomit. I see a psychiatrist every few months and am on meds. Nothing helps! The pain is always there.

Sad

I am so sad with the holidays coming up. My dad will be in Texas and this is the first Christmas Eve that I haven't spent with him in over 40 years. My sister posted a pic of dad over Thanksgiving on facebook and I cried after looking at it. His poor hands are so crippled now. My youngest son turned November 14th and with tremendous effort my dad signed his birthday card. I thrilled Eric too death and he will treasure always. I didn't let my son see me but I cried.

Why?

I am having a bad day you might say. I am both sad and angry at the same time. It sounds bad but I actually feel like punching the next person who says 'God, doesn't give you more then you can handle.' I feel like saying 'You gotta be kidding! I've had way more then I can handle.' Then I remember that my problems are so trivial compared to others. I know God didn't cause ALS or our problems. But, then I have trouble keeping the faith at times and wonder ' If he loves us. Why doesn't he intervene and help us?' Is he carrying us through it all like the poem Footprints In the Sand?

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