The clock is ticking.. <3

Im here again. The latest weeks have been rough. Its gotten so real and everytime i see her i can hear the clock ticking, here life ticking. I can feel her pain and i can see how she fights. The other day i got a phonecall from my sister. She told me that my mother finally understood that she will die. She had said so herself. Thats a good thing but she cried for hours after saying it. I didnt know what to do, what was the right thing, crying or smiling. Im so happy that she understands it but its too much for her to handle. I just feel empty, i dont know how to make the people among me, the friends, the boyfriend and everyone else understand what its like to know that the clock keeps ticking. Its like a bomb but without a time-setting, it can explode anytime and i guess thats the creepiest part. i dont know if my next visit will be the last. No one can understand it and thats why they take a step back and lets me handle it on my own. I dont know, i guess that im tired of life. I know that life is a struggle but i wish that my smile stopped being a part of my wardrobe. Its not my smile, its a part of my morning routine and my wardrobe. Makeup, clothes and a big fakesmile so that it wont show the pain and the weakness. If i didnt smile i would have been an easy target for others.