Haunting.

Two things haunt me. If I write it down, it might not haunt me as much. The first was when my husband asked me to drive him to visit his friend, 5 days before he passed away. He was all right until we were leaving and started having a lot of mucus. Once there, he sat, head dropping to his chest, his neck unable to hold him up. He sat, head dropping, swallowing and swallowing, unable to say a word. I kept looking at him. It was so painful looking at him. He used to talk so much, no one could get a word in and that day he was not able to say a word. When foamy saliva started, I asked him if he wanted to go back. He nodded and I drove him back. I am crying hard as I write. That image haunts me. The second is his daughters. Every ounce of energy he had, every time he was able to muster strength to go to his computer, he wrote to his daughters and nothing. He left phone messages till he had no voice to do it and I did it for him and nothing. The moment he died, one came to visit, and they wrote. They like me better than their father. It was bitter sweet. He would have so loved their visit, why now, why not when he was alive. That hurts so much. He hurt so much, he was so sad and I hurt and ache for him but there was nothing I could do. I wrote for him also and phone and nothing. These two, they come to my mind and I find myself crying hard. He went in his sleep, it was merciful but I did not get to say goodbye. I did several times in the months prior when I thought he was dying. One time he held my hand, kissed it gently and told me he loved me. That night, he wanted to say something but I could not understand a single word. I asked him to write it down, he declined. I know it is more merciful but I did not get to say goodbye. That is so hard. And so I talk to him every day and that helps.