Passing of my Hubby

For months his condition stabilized. He was able to walk though slowly. He got me to bring him to the flea market and enjoyed just being pushed around flea market in his wheelchair. He wants to live, he told me, and that was his way of living. The nurse told me he was getting better and she would cut her visit to once a week. Two weeks before he passed away, the first Monday I noticed his voice was gone. Until then he could talk with difficulty, but still had some voice to talk. He fingered his lips and told me they do not work. It was so painful watching him. I cried, knowing his condition had moved into another state - worse state. A week later, he would wake up unable to breathe properly. I quickly give him the nebulizer, he loved that. Like a kid, he loved watching the white fume coming out, spraying it in all directions. I would tease him about it, that he enjoyed watching the smoke more than the benefit of the nebulizer. After the nebulizer, I would get him to use the bipap. He hated the bipap and would only use it manually holding it against his face. Only when he was very sick and out of it would I able to put it on him and he slept with it. For three days, that calmed him down and he would be all right the rest of the day. It worsen after that, and the last two days every breath took an effort. I should have realized something was wrong that night he wanted to turn the TV off and slept at 8 pm. I noticed his breathing was very hard, I told him, the bipap would keep him alive and strapped it on. He removed it. I told him I could leave the top strap on and he manipulate the bottom part. It was the only way I could get him to use it. He declined. I got him the oxygen, he pushed it away. All through the day and night, every time he coughed, I hurried over to do the suctioning. I told him, 'The mucus has been rattling in your chest for two days now. You have to get it out.' He usually did every day. Several times I could hear it, right at the end of his mouth or so I thought. I pushed the suctioning tube in as far as I was able to and nothing. It was right there, I could hear it and could not get at it. It was so frustrating. He was able to cough and the RT the hospice called did not think he needed the cough assist machine. The entire day also, he was not cooperative, he kept his teeth shut so I could not push it in. Several times that night he woke up, each time I woke up just as he was trying to get off the bed. I helped him to the bathroom and back. 11 pm I woke up and again he wanted to go to the bathroom. I helped him there and back. I settled him to bed and went to my bed and tried to sleep. After a while, I looked over and saw he was sleeping. 'Good,' I thought, 'at least he is not suffering, deep in sleep.' I fell asleep. I woke up at 1 am and as usual turned to look at him and he was quiet. Too quiet. I feared the worst. I felt his hand. It was cool but not cold. My hands were colder. Unable to guage it that way, I put my finger under his nostrils, no breath. And that was how he went - in his sleep. He appeared to know he was going to die that night. The Sunday before, he made several phone calls. Monday, I called hospice and asked for the nurse to come Monday instead of Tuesday because he looked to me very sick. The nurse came. Tuesday, she was not intending to come. I phoned her and she came again. She told me it was when she would recommend inpatient care but she knew my husband, he would not go. We asked him, he refused to go. Wednesday she came of her own accord and on leaving told him she will see him the following day. My hubby tried to tell me something, I could sense it was very urgent. I asked him if he wanted to write it down. He nodded his head. I took a pen and pad and told him, 'You do not have to write in full sentences, just a word or two or few words.' He would get very tired writing. He wrote. I read it, 'The last time I saw her.' What was he trying to say? I wondered. I told him he saw her 3 weeks ago. It was a nurse who replaced our regular nurse who was on a week's leave. When he passed away, I understood what he was saying. He knew Wednesday was the last day he would see her. He knew he would not make it through the night. I did not. He came close to death so many times and bounce back, I did not know. I had knelt at his bedside, listened to him when he was able to talk. When he was not able to, I sang Abide with me and then recite Hail Marys and find it so soothing. But the night he passed away, I had no clue he would pass on. At the same time it was the best way to go, in his sleep. My concern was if he suffered. The nurses assured me he did not. If he had, I would know. They are right. I am a very light sleeper, one slight creak of the bed and I wake up. That night I woke up 3 times without any sounds from him. Had he suffered and made any movement I would have known. He went in his sleep.