Trauma

It was very traumatic the first moment I read about Als - in its stark reality. Of all things, the first article I read was the one putting everything in black and white. I read it and instead of seeing the described symptoms occurring to my husband, I experienced it as though happening to me. I alive, mind alert and my body slowly closing down on me, slowly going completely paralyzed. I felt the full horror of it. Oh God, how can such a horrible disease exist. I went to the bathroom and cried and cried every time it came to my mind after that. The one time I experienced panic attack was the time I had eye surgery and was not able to breathe. Until then, I did not realize I have that problem. I use my mind to slowly calm myself down. Instead of saying, I cannot endure this, I told myself, I can, I can... I reflected on it and decided one of the worst sufferings a person with Als can experience is that, - panic attack, unable to move, unable to breathe. Ever as I felt the losing control, I found myself thinking of Stephen Hawkins. One can enter inside oneself, he entered into his mind and lives with his mind, his entire body paralyzed. When it happens, and one has no choice but to endure, one gets the strength to endure. Our survival instincts is so strong, it will teach us how to hang on and live. As I write this, I find tears filling my eyes. It is such a cruel cruel disease.