mysticunicorn66's blog

I watched as the leaves turned to their colorful hues; I remember watching out the window taking in the views; Squirrels scampering around trees, a bird taking a peanut from my hand; So much wildlife to see on our little piece of land; It brings back fond memories of my sister and I; Many times we would watch the wildlife and the stars in the night sky; Over eight years in age apart we were; But I looked up to and loved to spend time with her; As the new season is upon us and December nears; I find myself, at times, my face moistened with tears;

Maybe I was an odd child, but it wasn't the basement that scared me, it was the attic. Our basement was well lit, but the attic was a different story. I remember my Mom going up there for short periods of time. Sometimes, it was just prior to holidays to retrieve decorations or even to retrieve a section of gift wrapping that Mom had saved that she liked. Yep...Mom was one of those people who took gift wrapping off that she liked so that she could look at it or use it again. I found myself as an adult being reluctant to venture to the attic. I am not sure why.

As time goes by, I find myself feeling something that I never thought I would feel. After more than a year caring for my sister daily, I find I am missing taking care of her. I think because during this process of caring for my sister during the course of her battle with ALS that it had become an integral part of my life and who I am. Every day was spent caring for her. Then when she passed, I was initially feeling grateful for the much needed rest. However after a couple of weeks, I felt different. As if a burglar had broken into my home and took something precious from me.

Pieces of my sister's life that I find myself clearing from her room today. Feeling like a jackal feasting on the carcass before its victim is dead and before the ground is even cold. But, it needs to be done and decisions need to be made. What to keep? What to pass on to family? What to donate to someone in need? As I go through her lifetime collection of things, I find old letters she wrote when she was in the service and away from home. I find a piece of a movie theater ticket. I turn it over. I find it was saved because it was a first date with someone. Better hang on to it.

Even though my sister was about 8 ½ years older than me, I have many memories about her and of her. I remember my Mom telling me about my sister being born 2 months early. In those days, they didn’t tell my Mom about how to tell if she was in pre-term labor. But, my Mom knew something wasn’t right. So Dad took Mom to the hospital along with my brother sitting in the front seat. Little did my Mom know, but my sister was determined to do things her own way even from that time. My sister was born in the back seat of my Dad’s car before they even got to the hospital.

Standing in the large room of my dreams, I see my Dad and my brother. My sister is in a hospital bed in the room. For some reason, I am the only one who notices my sister cringing in her bed and looking over in the corner. I turn around and see a large bull elephant. It looks angry and it is heading for my sister. She can't speak, she can't point, but I see the look of terror in her eyes. I look at my Dad and my brother to get some help. They look, but they don't see it. In their eyes, the large elephant is a very large overstuffed chair.

So many existential questions she asks of me. How do I answer? She asks, why did God save me when I was born too soon, only to have me become the prey of this beast? I ponder her question for a moment, then respond with the wisdom from above. Dear sister, think of all the animals that were abandoned and found their way to you. You gave them a loving home for the rest of their lives. Do you remember when I was small and I fell and hit my knee on the rocks and could not stand?