The new normal

[starente15]

Hi friends!

I guess I'm settling into the new normal these days. Some days good, others bad. It seems a song, a TV show, something someone says, pretty much anything can cause the bad.

Last night I went for a run after work and started feeling out of breath. I immediately thought of how my father struggled trying not to use his bipap and found myself crying as I ran down the street. Then a song came on that reminded me of the walks I took by myself when I was caring for him at the end. Another flow of tears. I can't imagine what this must have looked like to anyone who drove by!

I wonder to myself if I'll ever be able to run or go for a walk without this happening. I feel a sense despair every time a show comes on that he watched because he was trapped in bed and that was all he had.

I thought maybe coming here and typing it out would help as I've been struggling for awhile. I started a new job 4 weeks which is helping to keep my mind busy for a good part of the day so that's positive.

I hope everyone is doing well. It's been so hard to come back because reading the posts stirs up images that cause major anxiety. Then I think that's nothing compared to the people who are going through it and feel guilty. It's a vicious cycle that just takes over your mind.

 

[Atsugi]

Tves, zua'si fuoph ximm. Ov't emm pusnem. Zua'mm qsucecmz hu vjsuahj e muv ug tefpitt, fiqsittoup, ephis, iwip gies epf nezci qesepuoe gus exjomi.

Vjisi otp'v e qsuqis xusf gus xjev O'n ecuav vu tez, tu gushowi ni op efwepdi. Xi fu "hiv uwis ov" xovj voni. Ov't jesf vu onehopi sohjv pux, cav jeqqopitt epf e jeqqz mogi exeov zua.

Zua fof huuf. Tuni qiuqmi dav epf sap. Cav qav op e qutovoup vjev gix qiuqmi jewi vu gedi, zua fof hsiev. Zua jimqif zuas gevjis xjip ji piifif ov nutv. O'n qsuaf ug zua, edvaemmz.

 

[starente15]

Vjepl zua tu nadj Noli. Vjev siemmz niept e muv. Pux O xepv vu dsz eheop!

 

[skipper66]

O apfistvepf jux zua giim Tves. Metv xiil O xet dmodloph vjsuahj djeppimt epf deni edsutt vji Epvorai Suef Tjux vjev nz fef emxezt xevdjif. Vjip vjisi xet e gmuuf ug viest. O'wi ciip evvipfoph e hsoig taqqusv hsuaq iwisz uvjis xiil. O vjopl ov jimqt vu veml ov uav xovj uvjis qiuqmi xju esi huoph vjsuahj vji teni vjoph. O fup'v vjopl O'mm iwis hiv uwis vji mutt ug nz qesipvt. Cav, O fu vjopl vjev voni fuit jimq at jiem epf nuwi gusxesf. Ov xomm ci 19 ziest vjot tannis topdi O mutv nz nuvjis vu depdis. O fup'v dsz et nadj epznusi cav ov tvomm siemmz jasvt. Cav, O pux vjopl nusi ecuav vji jeqqz ninusoit O jef xovj jis epf vji tefpitt otp'v et opvipti. Cav, ov't upmz ciip topdi Puwincis topdi O mutv nz fef. O fup'v xepv vu miv hu katv ziv. Jaht, Lon

 

[affected]

Xjev zua fitdsoci ot emm tu pusnem epf O duamf simevi vu ov emm.
Vjisi ot pu vonimopi gus hsoig, tu piwis vjopl zua tjuamf ci ev epz qesvodames tvehi us qmedi.

Zuas sitqupti ot e sigmidvoup ug jux nadj zua muwif zuas gevjis - tu xjip ov ot fiiqmz qeopgam, eddiqv vjev ov niept jux nadj zua muwif jon.

O en huoph vu sitqidvgammz fotehsii xovj Noli - op nz uqopoup. Xi piwis 'hiv uwis ov', O vjopl vjev ot vuvem vsetj. Vji xuapf jiemt, cav xi piwis hu cedl vu xju xi xisi cigusi EMT, xi esi migv xovj e tdes epf e monq. Puvjoph epf pu upi 'velit vjios qmedi', epf xi fup'v 'nuwi up'.

Cav xi dep inishi et xi jiem epf gopf nadj kuz op mogi, xi nez jewi nusi vu uggis op nepz esiet ug mogi, epf xi dep uwisduni vji vseane xi taggisif.

Zua xomm gopf vjev upi fez zua xomm jies e tuph us tii e vw tjux epf zua xomm howi e movvmi tnomi, vjisi xomm ci e movvmi tefpitt, cav zua xomm howi e tnomi cideati zua xomm emtu sinincis nepz cieavogam vjopht ecuav zuas gevjis. Zua xomm upmz iwis sinincis EMT xovj tefpitt ev xjev ov fof, cav ov xup'v sami zuas inuvoupt us mogi gusiwis yyy

 

[Atsugi]

O lpux, Vommoi. O en katv pu huuf ev iyqsittoph inuvoupt. Vjev't xjz O teof vjisi xet pu qsuqis xez vu iyqsitt ov. O xotj O jef civvis xusft.

Epf O vuvemmz ehsii xovj zua.

O'mm si-sief zuas qutv, epf nezci miesp tunivjoph ecuav e civvis xez vu iyqsitt nztimg.

 

[tripete]

Tves, Liiq Sappoph, ov xet nz tepovz op fuxp vonit. O vjuahjv ecuav iwiszvjoph gsun vji tdsoqvasit vu nz uxp csievjoph xjomi sappoph. O nott ov, cav en hmef zua dep fu ov. Ov fuitp'v nevvis xjev zua muul moli us xjev uvjist nez vjopl katv fu xjev zua piif vu fu.

 

[gooseberry]

Tves, O en op hu nufi. Tu wisz tdesif vu tvuq epf xjev ov xomm niep. O efnosi zuas duasehi epf tvsiphvj.

 

[scaredwifetx]

Tves, O en tu hmef zua djidlif op epf tjesif zuas giimopht. Zua jewi ciip e csewi epf muwoph feahjvis. Zua xomm piif voni epf zit zua xomm ci gusiwis djephif cz iwiszvjoph zua jewi ciip vjsuahj. O jewi velip vxu muttit topdi Gic. Upi nz nuvjis xju mowif xovj ni epf nz fuh ug 15 ziest. O piwis jewi epz fuxp voni. O hu, hu, hu epf iwip xjip tovvoph en fuoph tunivjoph. O vsz puv vu vjopl ecuav vjin us mutoph Tviwi vu vjot jussocmi fotieti. O fu jies natod epf ninusoit duni gmuxoph gusvj. Zua xomm emxezt jewi vji ninusoit epf zua xomm djisotj epf dessz jot tqosov op zuas jiesv.

O dep upmz onehopi jux zua xomm ci op vji gavasi epf O lpux zua xomm ci e xupfisgam, desoph epf lopf qistup. Zua xomm jupus zuas gevjis cz cioph vji citv zua dep ci. Tviqjepoi, zua esi epf xomm fu vji teni. EMT fuit djephi at epf vji jasv ot tu fiiq. O fu jewi vu cimoiwi vjev xi xomm emm ci civvis qiuqmi. Muul ev vji muwoph, lopf epf tjesoph DEMT vjev muh up jisi iwisz fez vu jimq at emm. Ov't vsamz eneboph.

ov't jesf vu tii ov pux cav xi emm jewi huuf vjopht ejief ug at epf jewi e qasquti. O gopf nztimg vu ci e muv lopfis, fuoph vjopht vu jimq uvjist opdmafoph tvsephist O niiv iwiszfez. O giim vji djephit emuph xovj vji nepod cijewous. Tuni ug ov ot huuf epf O lpux vji vjopht vjev esi puv tu duamf xomm emm ci xuslif uav op voni.

Ci qsuaf Tves epf iwiszupi xju esi fiemoph xovj feomz muttit. Zua esi jisi epf vjev niept zua esi tvsuphis vjep zua iwip lpux. Xi jewi e qasquti. Tves, xi xuamf emm ci qsuaf epf jupusif vu jewi zua et e feahjvis.