jokes

[here4her]

I really do love the blondes, I promise.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

 

[matthewwhite011]

One friend asked another: What is the difference between complete and finished?

The Other one replied: If you have got the good wife, you are complete. And if you have got the bad one, You are finished!

 

[frankb]

The owner of a golf course in Cuthbert was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathmatical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wus to give yew $20,000 minus 14 percent, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings."



The south Texas sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pickup into the ditch. The sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that signh right over your head?"
"Yep," he replied, "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine for Dumping Gargage.'"

 

[here4her]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully.
If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!
A very angry Teacher: Where the in hell do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a f*#@* cat

 

[vickim]

An old southern farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer
he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not
coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim or make you get out of the pond naked. "I only came to feed
the alligator."

 

[here4her]

An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing"
On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man,
Is nothing."
************************
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her,
Man is nothing."

 

[frankb]

Two nuns were shopping at a local convenience store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered, "Indeed, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand." "I can handle that without a problem.": the oter num replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face whend the twwo nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair and back at the nunnery we call it Catholic shampoo." the nun explained. Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, "The curlers are on the house ! !"

 

[vickim]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Great one Frank ! So good to see you back and in true form.

 

[frankb]

- - - Just off the e-mail circuit:

Medical Definitions for Rednecks

Barium - what the undertaker does to 'em once the doctors are through with 'em
Benign - what a child be after they be eight.
Cauterize - to have gotten noticed by a woman.
Cyst - to give someone in need a helpin' hand.
Dilate - it sure beats dyin' early.
Impotent - significant and distinguished.
Node - to have been acquainted with someone in the past.
Pap Smear - to insult or belittle yhour own father.
Pathology - the study of trails.
Rectum - crashed 'em and totaled 'em.
Tumor - not just one more.
xX-Rayed - for adult audiences only.

 

[here4her]

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony? A. Just look for the sesame seed buns.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Teacher: Johnny, give e a sentence using the word 'geometry'.

Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally woke up one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree'".

 

[frankb]

Thoughts:

The pessimist complains about the wind; the optiminst expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.

Men don't grow up, they just get bigger. (My wife likes this one ! !)

 

[vickim]

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.

Why do women live longer than men? Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bills does.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dearest Wife
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.

The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email.

Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier.

She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Your Devoted Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here

 

[vickim]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God,please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some Headlines:-

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOES NOT WORK)

 

[frankb]

Seven Impossible Things to Say When You Are Drunk:

1. Nope, no more booze for me.
2. I must be getting home now as I have to work in the morning.
3. No thanks, I'm married.
4. Sorry, but you're really not my type.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool.
7. Where is the bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

 

[here4her]

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.

Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said:

"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:

"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"