jokes

[here4her]

Still picking on the blondes.....sorry.

Megan,, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night,
the car just won't move at all.
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any
luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a
technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.
So he turns to the blonde and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are
using the right gears?"
Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You fool, you idiot, how on
earth could you ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know!
Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day
and N at night."

 

[frankb]

Random thoughts:

Nothing feels more lousy than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

I think the freezer deserses a light as well.

How many times it is appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still did't hear or understand a word they said?

I just love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an absolute jerk from dutting in at the front.

Shirts get dirty, underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, you can wear them forever.

The first testicular guard, the "cup", was used in hodckey in 1874 and the first helment was used in 1974. That means it took 100 years for men to realize that theeir bgrain is also important. Quit laughing, ladies ! ! !

 

[vickim]

Those are so great Frank. And I love the last one and no I am not laughing. ROFL Busting a gut! :lol:

 

[vickim]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

 

[here4her]

A Lesson in Politics

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.

Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner.
Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."

 

[here4her]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

 

[vickim]

From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed

 

[vickim]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

 

[frankb]

Improbilities of the World:

1. You can't count your hair.

2/ You cam't wash your eyes with soap.

3. You can't breath through your nose with your tongue sticking from your mouth.

Now, put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person ! !

 

[here4her]

Borrowed from the late night comics:


The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, "We'll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter.

The Philadelphia Eagles new coach, Chip Kelly, recently got rid of the team's long-running tradition of having fast-food Fridays. He says that he wants his players to live healthier lives. Then he sends them out to hit other people with their heads.

 

[frankb]

If you think women are the weaker sex, just try pulling the blankets back to your side.

 

[here4her]

A few old George Burns jokes:

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch. I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something. Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives. Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up. Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. "A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible." "Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman, or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle." I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

source: George Burns Jokes - George Burns One Liners Jokes

 

[here4her]

Ya gotta watch them southern boys!




DUI - Tennessee Style

Only a person in Tennessee could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bristol , TN. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

 

[vickim]

Not So Dumb
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

 

[here4her]

Blonde Who Left Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!" By Maria M.