Hi Bala80,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are so young. When my friend was diagnosed with ALS at the age of 43 five years ago that was thought to be a very young age for this disease.
Today marks one year since Linda (my friend) died.
Like you, Linda often thought about a way that she could "check out" before the going got too tough. She feared becoming a burden to her family and the reality of what she understood to be a horrible death. About two years into her battle with ALS Linda's stepfather was put on hospice and died in his home. Linda arrived at his home before the hospice nurse and quietly took the leftover morphine from the packet of "comfort meds" provided for hospice patients.
Over the next two years that tiny bottle of morphine sat on the shelf of the refridgerator
(safely out of reach) offering Linda the freedom to choose. Linda causally mentioned this to me one day (about 2-3 months after the fact) as I was helping her dress. She asked me what I thought about her thinking of taking it when she felt that she didn't want to go on. She also asked if I'd help her if she waited until she was unable to do it herself. I told her what I thought about the idea and that I would not be able to help her and that, in my opinion, she should not ask her husband or either of her adult
children to help her. I reminded her of what she believed (she was a Christian and we were in the same bible study for years. You can read my past posts for more info.) about trusting God in everything. She asked if I thought she would still go to heaven
if she did it. We had several discussions about this over the next several months always agreeing that God would provided exactly what she needed at exactly the right time. She wanted so badly to "fight the good fight . . ." that Paul spoke of in 2 Timothy
4:7-8 but she was also so afraid of what was to come. Over time I became her daily caregiver while her husband worked and I learned to care for her every need as she lost the ability to do even the simple things we take for granted each day. Linda often thought of that "bottle on the shelf" but decided to trust God to take care of her.
Her death came after four days of friends and family gathered around her bed loving her and laughing, praying, crying with her. She was comfortable, (hospice had provided her with her own comfort meds) not in pain and not afraid, she knew without a doubt that she would soon be in heaven. Before she died she said to all of us around her bed
"this is wonderful (having her loved ones around her singing, praying and laughing while she died) I hope it's like this for all of you too." I know that she was so glad that she chose to trust God in her death instead of using the morphine she had taken a few years before.
On her memorial card she had asked us to print the following verse from 2 Timothy;
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that day - and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. 2 Timothy 4:7-8.
I know you said you don't believe in God. I respect your decision but I disagree with your opinion about being a hipocrete (sp?) if you were to pray to God now. God never turns his back on anyone. Until our last breath we have the choice to accept His offer of eternal life and His help in this life.
I will pray for you and, as always, for a cure to be found soon.
God Bless, Jeanne