crazy family

Status
Not open for further replies.

gooseberry

Extremely helpful member
Joined
Jul 2, 2014
Messages
3,501
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
5/2014
Country
US
State
FL
City
Tampa
Steve's family is here and it is getting weird. I dont have a funeral date yet so they sit around looking at me judging my decisions. My sister is here so I have some help in getting things done and trying, with empathy, to make it happen. My time is limited off from work so I am trying to make the most of it.
 
I hope you are not allowing them all to stay in your house?

It is so weird how they converge and suddenly have all their own ideas and want their needs met.

Do you get some time to yourself at all? Maybe your sister can take you out for a few hours to a nice cafe, park or somewhere you like just to breathe a bit?
 
Oh dear. I'm so sorry you have that burden and judgement while dealing with all the myriad things that planning a memorial/funeral brings. All while grieving and helping your child grieve.

Family. Why don't they realize?
 
They are just in a very different place than Julien and I. Most are with his mom but one brother is staying with us. Tomorrow my sister, myself, and Julien are going to lunch and then a counseling appointment. I suggested they go do something.
 
Steph, I certainly understand and just went through it. You have to remember thay they will leave and it will be quiet again You also HAVE to take time to be by yourself. After three days of my family staying at my house, I was close to losing it. I got out of the house for awhile and came home with a new perspective. They are there and everyone is dealing with the loss differently. As we wish for the silence we need to remember that even at its worst family is family. You will be surprised that you will also have some good moments with them over the next few days.

Thinking and praying for you and your family!
 
Perfect outing planned for tomorrow!

hugs
 
Unfortunately or fortunately, Julien and I have been grieving for 1.5 years. ..and taking measures, like the counseling, to help us. His family did mot. The shock of Steve dying suddenly has left them unraveled.
 
Oh I did such a big sigh reading that statement Steph!

It resonated so deeply with me!

You hit the nail on the head. You know, we live with them, our lives are totally reordered around the changes of the disease and living with it. Our PALS is our world and so the world of ALS becomes ours and we live it, breath it, grieve it every single day. We learn to accept it, and if we get help with counselling etc we are still shattered but we have some tools to cope with that shattering.

Then family. They have this set of luxuries they take advantage of.

1. Oh it upsets me so much to see xxx like this... so they stay away, and somehow think they have given a totally valid reason and will be seen as somehow more loving because they can't face it.

2. Oh how awful it will be when xxx is gone - I won't have a <insert relationship here> to do this with, or be there for special events (wedding, graduation whatever). Oh, did I miss it when they said how concerned they were for what xxx is actually going through, surely they don't purely see this disease as them being robbed of something, instead of what horror xxx is facing?????

3. Oh he's probably not too bad, he sure looked good when I saw him x months ago, and maybe he will get better or there will be a cure... By not coming near, they can pretend that this 'illness' (of which they have no effing clue about) will go on for years and years until a cure and then all will be good again. They don't want to face the terminal nature of this, so they stay away in order to keep pretending they are oh so concerned, but that phone will never ring to say he is gone.

I can almost understand these weird, disconnected with the soul, strategies. What I cannot understand is the swooping down after the death and making expectations known.

I had a few totally horrific things with one of Chris's kids in particular. I hope Steve's family are just a bit painful and don't go to any stupid extremes.

You have handled this whole situation for yourself, Julien and Steve with amazing amounts of grace and love. Do what you believe is right, and the timing is what it is, and they are going to have to work it out. They had all the chances in the world to work through this while Steve was here and they chose not to.

OK, off my high horse, damn I was up high too! I hope that wasn't too much, and I realise I still feel a lot of things surrounding all this behaviour and attitude of those who left Chris, 'so glad he had me to look after him', and surfaced again once he was gone.

many hugs friend
 
Hey Steph

My pop died a few weeks ago. I tell you this because I rang my Nana and asked her not to be railroaded by funeral directors or family.
Her and pop had been married 68 years, one month and one day. I think she knew best what he wanted. His funeral was a magical day of many fine memories of days at the farm.
My point is, you and julien have been through thick and thin this last 18months with Steve. Try to not let idiot family upset you or railroad you...
Thinking of you and Julien heaps
 
So, after Julien unloaded at the counselors we have a new plan. Post service festivities are going to be at granny's. J and I are going to dinner with my sister to remember Steve the way he wanted. Kicking everyone out at 5 pm so he has space.
 
Good for you, Steph. I'm so glad that Julien was able to express himself, and that he has you to advocate for him. You will do for him what you would not do for yourself, so in a way he's taking care of you.

I can't imagine dealing with what you have/are and then having family show up and make it all about them. Yes, they are shocked, but they should be holding you and Julien up. Argh. Talking to the choir.

Yes, you've been grieving every loss, all along. Tillie put it very well, the luxuries that they have that we can't enjoy. I've started having an unpleasant reaction to people telling me how good Matt looks when they see him--for the few hours a day that he's with them before fatigue sends him to the bedroom where we deal with the real situation. I know that's all they have to go on, but I sure wish he could look that we'll all of the time.

My heart is with you and Julien.

Becky
 
I am so happy that both you and Julien are making the choice and that's exactly how Steve would have wanted it. I can't tell you enough how much your sharing your family and struggles with everyone here. I have learned so much from you and will use it on the journey Steve and I are taking. You are amazing and so loved.
 
Perfect Steph, and I agree you can say it's for Julien to help strengthen your resolve in front of the rellies xxxx
 
Awesome plan. Sounds perfect.
 
The only thing I want at my passing is for my wife and kids to be as OK as possible. I spend my energy now working on that goal.

Step, if anyone is in your way from being the best you and Julian can be in this situation it is time for them to leave.

If you need I will come down to Florida and run them out of town, -maybe Big Mark will be my muscle?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top