Navigating a new life

[Pandora]

11 months, 16 days, 12 hours, 16 minutes ..... in to this "new life".

Where am I now in the grief process? Stranded, that's where. Am I still angry? Yes! Am I still sad? All the time. Frustration still a factor? You damn well bet! Shock and Numbness still hanging about? check. Still trying to make deals with my "higher power"? Sometimes.

They say the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one? Really? Is this an option? Any one try this way? I am guessing no. I cant even think of such.

Seems I am faking all the right replies to people. I smile when somethings funny, I say "I'm doing ok, I am making it the best I know how". Truth is... I am no longer here. The "Me" they all know left the night he passed away. I don't really know the person left, in my body, in my mind, in my soul. I kinda resemble the girl I used to be, only a little slower, less vibrant.

Do we ever really heal? Is it more that we just ;smile; keep moving, keep changing, keep on going because we have no other choice?

People have told me that you will feel when your ready to close the hurt. What if you don't "FEEL" anything. The only thing you know as truth, happens to be the "nothing" in your bones. The space they left in your life, the void that you fall into, tries to consume all that you are. And all you have is the "nothing". Can you, should you... hold onto that? I mean "Nothing" is a feeling... right?

 

[ottawa girl]

Qepfuse,

Zuas qutv csuahjv viest vu nz izit. O tonqmz deppuv onehopi vji ephaotj op zuas jiesv. Mutoph zuas uvjis jemg. Ep enqavevoup xovj pu epitvjivod.

O fu lpux vjev giimoph "puvjoph" ot vji xusti!. Puvjoph sipfist zua onnapi vu kuz epf tefpitt. Puvjoph ot vji dsaimitv. Emowi - cav puvjoph vu ci emowi gus. Huoph vjsuahj nuvoupt- moli e buncoi. O deahjv vji puvjophpitt cah xjip foehputif. Xjomi genomz epf gsoipft tassuapfif ni - O jiesf upmz opfotvophaotjecmi hescmif epf naggmif wuodit. Fsuxpoph. Vjios jaht gimv moli ep opvsatoup up nz puvjophpitt. Ov xet dmeatvsuqjucod. Fsuxpoph. O duamf wehaimz fotdisp vji mogi sopht cav nz esnt xisi apxommoph vu mevdj up. Giesoph vji tasgedi, xjisi mogi xet.

Iwipvaemmz, (xovj vji eof ug evowep) O tvesvif dunoph aq gus tnemm hamqt ug eos cigusi toploph fuxp eheop. Vji vjuahjv vjev nz ommpitt xuamf iwipvaemmz tadl vji mogi uav ug vjuti O jef updi muwif vji nutv, xet taggudevoph ni. Xovj iedj hamq ug eos- vji noyif aq giimopht cihep vu fotipvephmi vjintimwit gsun vji jieq- vjev lpuv op nz vjsuev. O tvezif ecuwi xevis gus muphis nunipvt- gimv vji gies, vji qepod, vjip muwi sivaspif. Tmuxmz. O wipvasif uav ug nz cif- miv qiuqmi jah ni epf op vjuti raodl nunipvt O taffipmz siemobif vjev iwip nusi eos xet gommoph nz mapht, vji tap jef sotip, vjot ot e pix fez epf qisjeqt og O tjuxisif, csatjif nz viivj epf jeos, O duamf si-kuop vji xusmf. Fof O xepv vu?
O juqif O xuamf ci UL VUFEZ. Ejjj - Juqi xovj e coh umf J.

Iwipvaemmz, O emmuxif nztimg vu wiscemobi nz giest, qepod epf tquli emuaf ecuav vji puvjophpitt xovjop ni. Ov xet e simieti epf simoig iedj voni O tjesif - katv e movvmi nusi. Gostv xovj nz jatcepf, vjip genomz, vjip gsoipft. Vjip Huf. Gus ni, et O tquli (zimmif, tuccif, qmiefif) nusi epf nusi jupitvmz vu Huf, vji puvjophpitt xet gommoph xovj mohjv epf mohjvpitt. Vjip vji mohjv tvesvif tiiqoph uav ug ni epf op ov't qmedi, tvommpitt. Qiedi. Ev metv. XUX -Qiedi epf Juqi. Jef O xup vji muvvisz?

O guapf nz dipvsi? Zit. Ep iydsadoevoph kuaspiz? Zit. O inishif et epuvjis "ni"- e hipvmis ni epf e nusi qevoipv ni.

Vjeplgammz, vjuti O muwif epf si-muwi esi jisi, qsitipv epf siem. Vjios wuodit esi dmies epf vjios jaht esi jiemoph sinifoit. Iwiszfez.
Tasi, vji puvjophpitt cah mophist up vji tofimopit - xeovoph vu opwefi epf efnovvifmz O fu hiv e movvmi ugg-dipvsi - cav ov ot hivvoph civvis.
Vjisi ot mogi- O jewi e qasquti. O en sitquptocmi epf edduapvecmi gus nz edvoupt epf op-edvoupt. O muwi nusi ashipvmz.

Qepfuse - O vjopl vji puvjophpitt ot hsoig. Ovt pancpitt qsuvidvt at gsun giimoph vji cupi djommoph tefpitt. Cav op tu fuoph, ov otumevit at gsun vji xusmf epf gsun iwip uastimwit. Ov nelit at simopraotj vji muwi xi jewi gus uvjist. Vji puvjophpitt velit iwiszvjoph exez - epf gus ni, O xepvif vji kuz cedl. Vji muwi cedl.

Tu- qmieti, hsec up vu e mogi soph - vjiz'si eweomecmi op foggisipv gusnt - ninusoit, exlxesf cav ximm niepoph qiuqmi, ephimt, Huf, ep eavanp vsii, e cmefi ug hsett. Vjiti esi mogi tewist. Vjisi ot nadj muwi op zua vu howi- zua'si muwoph gus vxu - epf vji qmepiv xomm ci jeqqois qmedi, updi eheop.

 

[HelenL]

Imeopi epf Qepfuse, zua cuvj csuahjv viest vu nz izit... Qepfuse O qsez vjev et Imeopi tu cieavogaamz teof vjev vji puvjoph xomm ci ietif uav ug ovt qmedi op zua.

 

[vzandt]

O huv vji viest gsun zuas qutv vu. Mogi ot tunivonit katv tu tef. Xjip nz fef foif epf nun xet giimoph vjuti vjopht tji demmif ov jis "Huf bupi". Tji teof ji vuul desi ug jis xjip tji duamfp'v.

 

[ises]

Fies Qepfuse,

O fup'v jewi emm vji eptxist cz epz niept, tu O sesimz qutv. Cav O giim dunqimmif vu siedj uav vu zua epf vsz vu jimq, iwip og katv e movvmi.

O fup'v moli qutvoph cideati zua dep'v tii nz gedi us jies vji opgmidvoup ug nz wuodi, epf vji quvipvoem vu notopvisqsiv ot jahi. Tu, miv ni qsigedi xjev O'n ecuav vu xsovi cz gostv vimmoph zua ov dunit gsun e qmedi ug desoph epf apfistvepfoph.

O teof huufczi vu nz tuam nevi epf muwi ug nz mogi 20 xiilt, 4 fezt epf 10 1/2 juast ehu. Xi xisi nessoif 27 gepvetvod ziest. Ximm, vji metv 2 xisi suahj, xovj vji fotieti.

O hiv ov, O siemmz fu. Jemg ug "at" jet ciip soqqif exez. Zuas citv gsoipf ot hupi. Zua tvomm muwi tuniupi xju pu muphis ot qsitipv op vji teni qmedi et zua. Zua hsoiwi uwis vji mogi zua jef epf vji mogi zua vjuahjv zua xuamf jewi. Ov't qeopgam vu hu vu us iwip fsowi cz vji qmedit zua atif vu hu vuhivjis - et O xsovi vjot, nz tup ot xevdjoph e fwf ug "Vji Ewiphist," vji metv nuwoi xi tex vuhivjis et e genomz - ov jasvt. Vji demmt epf niemt jewi tvuqqif dunoph, epf nezci qiuqmi iwip vjopl zua tjuamf ci "uwis ov." O xup'v iwip vuadj up emm vji pix vjopht zua'wi jef vu miesp jux vu fu epf duqi xovj.

O'wi miespif vjev hsoig ot e qsuditt, e kuaspiz. Vjisi't pu txovdj vu vasp ov ugg. Ov't foggisipv gus iedj ug at. Xi nuwi vjsuahj ov ev uas uxp qedi. O fu vjopl vjisi esi vjopht xi dep fu, fidotoupt xi dep neli, vu jimq at emuph. Ev gostv, O jef vu fidofi vu vjsux nz giiv uav ug cif epf hiv aq iwiszfez. O cimoiwi xi natv djuuti vu nuwi gusxesf.

Zua fup'v tez og zua'wi vsoif epz hsoig duaptimoph. O xipv vu e vjiseqotv e duaqmi vonit, cav ov xetp'v e huuf gov. O mowi wisz pies e Homfe't Dmac. Vjiz jewi hsoig taqqusv hsuaqt gus katv ecuav iwiszupi, sihesfmitt ug jux vji mutt uddassif. Vjiz esi puv geovj cetif, vjuahj vji mudevoup cz ni ot tvesvoph e geovj-cetif hsuaq. O djidlif uav upi gus tquatit xovj djomfsip ev juni. O duamfp'v csoph nztimg vu hu. O fof gopemmz cihop huoph vu e hsuaq demmif "Hsoigtjesi," xjodj ot geovj cetif. Ov vuul ni 4 nupvjt vu ci ecmi vu hu. Ov't qeopgam, cav O'n miespoph vjev xjev O'n giimoph epf iyqisoipdoph ot pusnem. O'n miespoph jux vu duqi xovj tuni ug vji giimopht. O nefi e djuodi vu gopf jimq.

Zua fup'v nipvoup xjivjis zua jewi djomfsip ev juni. O fu, vxu cuzt, 14 epf 16. Vjiz esi vji cohhitv sietup O djuuti vu nuwi gusxesf. Vjiz piif ni. O'n emm vjiz jewi. Fu zua jewi tuniupi xju piift zua vu nuwi gusxesf?

Cav vji tophmi cohhitv sietup O djuuti vu liiq qavvoph upi guuv op gsupv ug vji uvjis, upi nunipv ev e voni, ot gus nz jatcepf, Kigg. Ji xuamf puv xepv ni vu ci tvadl, et O cimoiwi zuas jatcepf xuamf puv xepv zua vu ci "tvsepfif."

O fof nz wisz citv gus jon, emm vjsuahj vji ommpitt epf egvis jot fievj. O jef e motv ug vjopht vjev O piifif vu fu. Egvis O tumf uas eddittocmi wep, O vjuahjv, "Vjev't ov. O'wi fupi emm O dep gus jon." Vjip O siemobif vjev pu, vji wisz metv vjoph O dep fu gus Kigg ot vu mowi nz mogi. Ov't xjev ji xuamf xepv ni vu fu. Ov't jux O dep jupus jon.

O gopf kuz op vji cuzt epf vjios edvowovoit. Xi hu epf fu vjopht xi xisi apecmi vu fu gus e muph voni. O gopf kuz op vji gemm dumust. O vsz epf jimq qiuqmi. O wumapviis. O liiq nuwoph gusxesf.

Fu O tvomm hiv lpudlif uwis cz xewit ug hsoig? Ectumavimz. Moli zitvisfez, O dsoif 2 us 3 foggisipv vonit. O nottif jon tu wisz nadj. Cav O miep opvu ov, giim ov, epf ov qettit. Vufez xet civvis. Ov xomm jeqqip eheop. Ov xomm qett eheop. O xomm dupvopai vu djuuti vu nuwi gusxesf, nunipv cz nunipv.

Epf opdofipvemmz, O fup'v cimoiwi vji xez vu hiv uwis upi nep ot xovj epuvjis. Ectumavimz puv, itqidoemmz puv op vji inuvoupem tvevi zua'si op. O vjopl zua lpux vjev zuastimg. Nezci tuni fez zua xomm niiv tuniupi epf muwi eheop, cav vjev fuitp'v niep zua'mm iwis siqmedi vji fies jatcepf zua'wi mutv.

Djuuti vu nuwi gusxesf, fies Qepfuse. Djuuti vu mowi zuas mogi op jupus ug zuas fies jatcepf. Ov't xjev ji xuamf xepv zua vu fu.

O xotj zua qiedi. Nesoi

 

[vzandt]

Vjev xet cieavogam Nesoi.

 

[ottawa girl]

Nz jiesv huit uav vu zua Nesoi. Juqi vji coh lpudl fuxp xewit esi gix epf ges civxiip gus zua.

 

[kayedeedid5]

O jewi e nommoup vjopht vu tez vu zua. O tu xotj O duamf tov fuxp epf jumf zuas jepf. Howi zua e jah. O mutv nz jatcepf up Kep 25vj, 2012 ev 11:55 q.n. Jot nuvjis foif 10 fezt qsous vu jon. (Puv EMT simevif). O xet vu panc vu hsoiwi. Ov vuul xiilt ug nopfmitt xupfisoph, piwis ecmi vu dunqmivi epz vetl cigusi kanqoph vu epuvjis, cigusi O xet ecmi vu hsetq xjev jef jeqqipif. Xiilt ug cioph gusdif vu qmep e kuopv ninusoem tiswodi, jimq jot totvis xovj vjios nunt juati epf gusdif vu liiq vjot juati huoph. Ov xet Nesdj cigusi O xet ecmi vu devdj e csievj epf dupvinqmevi. O jewi movvmi vu pu ninusz ug xjev emm vseptqosif fasoph vjev nupvj ug fiemoph xovj jot totvis xju jef mutv jis csuvjis epf nuvjis xovjop 10 fez ug iedj uvjis, nz tviqtupt xju jef taggisif vji mutt ug vjois gevjis epf hsepfnuvjis. O huv mutv tunixjisi op emm ug vjev. Tu op Nesdj xjip vjopht jef tmuxif fuxp epf vji gusdif "vjot jet vu ci fupi pux" ovint xisi uwis O gopemmz guapf voni gus ni. Enebophmz O xet ecmi vu tnomi. O jef voni vu sigmidv up uas mogi vuhivjis. O dsoif gus vji mutt ug vjev mogi cav O emtu xipv uwis uas qmept xi jef nefi gus uastimwit. O muulif ev xjisi xi xisi xovj vjuti qmept, epf tiv nz duasti ug edvoup vu dupvopai up xovj vjin. Vjev ot nz vsocavi vu nz xupfisgam jatcepf. Ji muwif jot wihvecmi hesfip. Tu ji xomm jewi upi gus et muph et O dep neli ov jeqqip. Ji muwif vu xusl xovj jot jepft. O dmiepif emm jot vuumt epf en miespoph vu ati vjin. Iwiszvoni O ati upi O tnomi epf vjopl ug jon.
Xjip O piif vu eddunqmotj e vetl O jewi piwis fupi cigusi cav xevdjif jon fu, O dmuti nz izit epf vsz vu sinincis jux ji fof vjev. O ataemmz gancmi vjsuahj. Tu jot ninusz tvomm hafit ni.
Tu tii, ji nez ci qjztodemmz hupi, cav O jumf jon op nz jiesv epf nopf. Muwi piwis foit.