Dad and me

[Helovedmefirst]

So recently like I said in my last thread I've been struggling and I know my dad is struggling more. It makes me feel horrible to get upset in front of him because he is the one with this disease, not me. I am sick at the thought of losing my dad but he is living with this not me and if he can smile and laugh the so can I. So I've decided I want to start a note book, a spiral bond book between him and I of hand written notes. A book we can talk about nothing of importance or of something hard. I say the hard things because sometimes my dad is still in denial and sometime he isn't and I know he was recently diagnosed but I feel like we need to get our ducks in a row asap, and this would be the perfect way to not fight about it in his last years. He isn't married and I'm am his only child, so when he passes everything falls on me and I know there are conversation we need to have like life support and burial options if he even wants to be buried or cremated instead. All of which I wouldn't be able to get out to have a conversation because I would be in tears. He says he will try and that's all I can ask of him. Do you all think this is a good approach or am I being a coward.

Sincerely,
Sunshine

 

[starente15]

Hi Sunshine. I really like the idea. You both are facing the unimaginable and I think it's a creative way to approach it.

My dad was in denial and didn't want to engage in the tough decisions either. He almost let things happen to him to avoid them. I wish I had thought of something that might have been more productive. For example, for his living will, we had to guess what he wanted based on previous situations/conversations, write it down and verbally ask him each question to confirm his agreement. I thought I would die myself while going through this.

You can't imagine yourself sitting with a parent asking "do you wish not to be resuscitated?" or "do you want visitors when you're in the final stages or a priest praying over you?"

What I learned as a daughter was that we want to the best we can, we'll make mistakes, but in the end they will know they were loved.

 

[scaredwifetx]

Its a wonderful idea. My husband is also one who doesn't want to talk about anything to do with this disease. He is now starting to be more open as his progression is undeniable at this point. He has been talking about important issues with his kids via text which is easier.

You are not being a coward. You are trying to find ways to take care of things workout upsetting your father. That makes you your father's hero. It is hard for everyone so finding ways to deal with the very hard stuff is very important.

Your dad will be on great hands with you. Hugs!

 

[affected]

Is dad living with you?

You could consider filling out the health care directives for yourself at the same time as everyone should have this in place.

There are no rights or wrongs, there is only what feels the best for you. Your dad is lucky to have you.

 

[Firefighter58]

Hello helovedmefirst, If you can get your dad to come on to this site we could all talk with him and let him know that it is not the end of the world. It may seem awful dark and disgusting right now but the more he faces it the sooner he will get back to being his old self and he will be much happier, we have all been there. The truth of the matter is that this whole thing is probably harder on you than it is on him. I reliesed that about a year ago that this was being harder on my wife than it was on me. I would start what I thought was talking only to reliese that she could not understand me then i would get frustrated and say it all the louder, all that did was upset her because she could not understand me and was blaming herself because she could not understand me and because I said it louder she thought I was angry at her.So like I say it will be harder on you than your dad. Try and get him on this forum and then we can all try and help.
Al

 

[KateEmerson]

I can't imagine how hard all of this must be for you, I think you are a hero to take all of this on by yourself. I think your approach for communicating with your Dad is a wonderful idea. Something that has helped me with both my Dad ( Alzheimer's) and now my husband is partnering with their PCPs to help with these tough conversations. In fact, I think both of them found it easier emotionally to have the conversation with their doctor than with a loved one. I will be thinking of you and sending you supporting thoughts.