Sorry to join this club ...

Buckhorn I am sending huge hugs. I have yet to be where you are and I’m trying to learn what I may face in the future. Thank you so much for sharing your feeling with us.

I’m so glad you got a new fur baby to love. They bring such joy. They also force us to get up. With a dog that also means getting them outside, so I need to dress as well. I know when my time comes that will be important.

I’m happy to hear work is helping you too.

Peace my friend is what I wish for you

Sending you much love from across the miles. May you see beauty in the world again soon. Thinking of you.

I feel like a light version of what you described. Less years together, less time with ALS, less grief, less survivor's guilt.
No point in feeling guilty, the survivor was pretty much decided upon with diagnosis. It's all rigged.

The kitten sounds great. I've seen a lot of friends with small kids in the last weeks, probably because the are free during the day, and it feels good to watch a young life without knowledge of hardship. One of my favorite toddlers presented my with leaves and acorns at the funeral while others said their silent goodbyes at the grave. Life goes on.

It will likely take me years to stop browsing for blue shirts that my PALS would look great in. But who cares? It doesn't make me sad.

I know that zombie state in supermarkets, haha! Remember how I browsed around the day after diagnosis. I was in no rush, had time to kill and did so by not finding anything while contently humming a tune in my daze. Stuff like that is only bad if pressure is applied at the same time.

Buckhorn, I'm glad to read your posts and applaud not cancelling the condo. If your guy was anything like mine he'd applaude you, too, for it.

Thank you Wish. You are correct - Dave wanted me to go on and enjoy life. I spent time at the condo with 2 different couples who came to spend time with me. It was very good to have company. I released some of Dave's ashes at sunrise in the surf off Assateague Island (MD). It was one of our favorite places. It was perfect; clear, warm, very light waves in the ocean and 2 Assateague horses strolling along the edge of the surf. I couldn't have scripted it any better if I had control over it.

I am so sorry for what you are going thru Wish. I have not been as successful as you in fending off guilt. I know I did the best I could, but there are somethings I wish I had handled differently, better, or quicker.

Very poetic scattering! Looked at pictures from your island, it's beautiful there!

There would have always been room for improvement, sure. No one else could have dealt with all this like you and even if you were much worse at it, Dave would probably have preferred you over any old caregiving fairy. Never feel guilty.

I visited with friends and they suggested a walk on a beautiful cemetery, adding that they'd understand if I weren't up to it. To my great joy I said that I seem to remain trigger-free so far. I can think about everything without getting noticably sad and am a chipper little critter most days. All my vacation mode activities might be a smoke screen, I'll enjoy them while it lasts.

Found a great apartment and am busy organising contracts, selling stuff, taking care of my father's stuff while he's in the hospital. He ended up in the ER three days before my boyfriend passed and I was going bonkers for a couple hours there until I found out more via phone and finally got to talk to him. He was found dehydrated with a broken ankle and I sincerly hope this accident won't be his freeway to a daisychain of caregiving facilities. Told him to his face that I will never care for him physically, just papers and telephone stuff. He's 74 and probably has 20 more years, I won't be drawn into taking care of a man whom I love but who has made some very questionable life decisions including having me.

Hi Wish. Yes, Assateague Island is fantastic. One of the last bastions of unspoiled Eastern coastline in the U.S. left I believe. Assateague actually lies off both the MD & VA coastlines. Dave & I tent camped (real camping) for over 30 years at the MD state park; great times-great memories. I hope you continue to breeze thru the aftermath of being a CALS being a chipper critter! I definitely am not. It's like I am lost somewhere between loss and relief. Relief that the nightmare of ALS is over for me. But so sad, lonely and missing Dave like crazy. P.S. ..... I am certain that you were not a mistake! A surprise maybe, but you were not a mistake my friend! I'm glad you are keeping busy. I find that is the only way that loss & loneliness don't drive me crazy!

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yOU ARE ONE OF THE NICEST PEOPLE I know here, always excusing my stress and answering me with care, you are the best dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

Hi Buckhorn,

I hope you are doing well, as well as can be expected, Any loss is hard, but losing a spouse also means missing a big part of your support. They're the people we would be turning to for comfort and it's impossible not to feel that void or be sad. I think that's okay. It will take time to go from us to me.

Keeping busy definitely helps, I try to stay occupied myself, otherwise I find I just drift. Allow yourself the time to heal and rediscover what make you happy.

Take care

Paul

Thank you Paul. I know you lost your spouse/love not too long before I lost mine. I hope you too are doing o.k. Yes, I agree, I've lost my central support system, and at the same time my best friend. I had spent 2/3's of my life with Dave, and, having met him at such a young age (20!) never fully learned who I was, outside of "us". I hope that makes sense.... I am lucky that I am by nature a "loner" of sorts, so that is helping me now. I always kidded Dave that he was the only one I knew that I could stand full time.

Hey, Buckhorn, even if you da had learned I before you became a WE you'd have to learn it all over again after such a long time together. You're a different person now, not just because ALS, just because of life. I think that's mostly a good thing. I wouldn't exactly hate to be 20 again but I like myself better right now.

Somewhere you wrote about your feelings changing after two month or so. Looks like I'm at that station now and something definitely changed last week and I had a couple sad nights. I'm dismantling our second home within a year and am glad that I don't have to do stuff every day. Probably better to be sad now than pushing it aside with fun stuff until I'm back in a job and crash.

Take care!