On Grief

Just read this by author Mirabai Starr:

"Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, pioneer of the conscious dying movement, lived to regret having described the common features of the grief journey as stages. She came to see that everyone grieves differently and that science collapses in the face of the mysteries of the heart. There is no map for the landscape of loss, no established itinerary, no cosmic checklist, where each item ticked off gets you closer to success. You cannot succeed in mourning your loved ones. You cannot fail. Nor is grief a malady, like the flu. You will not get over it. You will only come to integrate your loss, like the girl who learned to surf again after her arm was bitten off by a shark. The death of a beloved is an amputation. You find a new center of gravity, but the limb does not grow back.

"When someone you love very much dies, the sky falls. And so you walk around under a fallen sky."

Excerpt from CARAVAN OF NO DESPAIR
forthcoming from Sounds True (November 1, 2015)

Thank you!

Sherry

Hi to anybody who reads this.

When I first read EKR's On Death and Dying decades ago, I was elated that someone would bring such an important subject out into the light. But I was skeptical of her methods. Indeed, now there is much criticism for her unscientific approach. The 5 Stages of Grief taught in Psyc 101 are good food for thought, but they're certainly not the final word. You might find a book on grief to help. To be honest, I flipped through some books at the bookstore, but never actually took one home.

The "conscious dying movement" referenced above may be helpful to some CALS. Also, while you might think our churches and pastors can help a PALS through the final days, or help a CALS recover, I found no reason to believe that. But if you're already active in a church, perhaps you might find comfort in continuing that. I attended a church a few times with my daughter. I enjoyed the time for meditation. My daughter continued for a year. More on that in a moment.

I joined a 'widows and widowers' group and found people who recovered well and remarried and were happy. We played trivia at a bar.

When I researched grief recovery through therapy, I found that some people focus so much on their therapy that they become pathologically incapable of getting rid of the grief! Still, I recommend seeing a therapist a few times. I did, and it helped.

A very few people I've met don't ever seem to recover for the rest of their lives. I got the impression that those who didn't recover were already suffering from emotional problems from childhood, even before they lost their loved one.

It's a case of buyer beware! What works for one may be detrimental to another.

Personally, in my own "research" (Sample size of 1), I found that my own recovery went well. I think that's because I was deeply involved in every aspect of my PALS care 24/7, planned and did all final arrangements, including the obituary. I organized the funeral and memorial, and gave the eulogy. In short, I took charge of the entire process of caregiving and ensured it went as my PALS would want, then I took charge of my family's recovery. I introduced my kids to counselors (the counselors said they were fine and saw them only once). My daughter went to church a lot (That was a mistake. They taught her that ALS was curable through prayer, and mommy would be going to Hell because her faith wasn't strong enough to cure the ALS.). And I took my kids across the world for a vacation (that definitely helped us all).

I have, for many years, been taking an anti-depressant for a preexisting condition. I see a shrink monthly for the refills. At the beginning, we talked about losing my wife, and it helped. But now we chat lightly about nothing much at all.)

So that's all I think I know about grief. Your mileage may vary.

--Mike

Thank you for sharing that! It succinctly sums up the grieving process I'm experiencing, learning to integrate it into a new " normal" in life.
Mike, read recently that the stages of grief are not as helpful as previously thought- like you said, food for thought. Rather than steps, it is more like a spiral staircase, with lots of twists and turns. It still makes me furious to think of what your daughter was taught at church! That has surely NOT been my experience, and I am grateful daily for the support and love we received then and now. But you have found your own source of inner strength and comfort and that's what makes you the strong, caring man you are.
Probably the most heartwarming and helpful thing on grief that I've read is that it only occurs if you love well. And who would want to go through life without loving?

Mike, I see a real difference between your word recover and what was quoted - get over it.

I believe we never get over it, we live with the scars. That means we recover, but we are changed forever and the old wound is always there and tender, when something pokes it we feel the old pain.

We find a way to live, to move forward and make a new shape to our lives, but we never get over it.

Just my 2 cents

I have to agree with Tillie, there are many things in life that change us... 'through' but not 'over' is the way I see it. Sometimes changed for the better God willing. Death and separation and grief, always with us. I worry about those who stuff it so deeply they don't feel it anymore.

Mike, I am so very sorry that your daughter found a non-Christian church that was teaching such vile heresy. None of that junk is in the Bible and it is such a shame she (and you) were exposed to it at such a time in your lives. Please try not to let that one evil place be your definition of "Christian church" or paint us all with that brush. Grace to you.

Hmm. In my view, I listed a half-dozen ways that might be helpful for survivors to try, including saying that the "conscious dying movement" in the top post "may be helpful to some CALS."

But when I read the responses from Tillie and Bill, I get the impression that they think the point of my post is "get over it." ? I meant nothing of the sort! Did my post appear to disagree with the original one by 4loml? I meant for my information to serve as a complement to hers.

Have I somehow written an offensive post? I'm not very good at understanding or expressing emotions, so I wouldn't know.

Looking forward to a response. I don't want to mislead anyone on such an important topic.

affected said:

Mike, I see a real difference between your word recover and what was quoted - get over it.

I believe we never get over it, we live with the scars. That means we recover, but we are changed forever and the old wound is always there and tender, when something pokes it we feel the old pain.

We find a way to live, to move forward and make a new shape to our lives, but we never get over it.

Click to expand...

Oh Tillie, "Get over it" is not at all what I was saying. I'm so sorry it came across like that--that is completely contrary to how I think or feel. The piece said " You will not get over it. You will only come to integrate your loss..." You articulated the same thing--perhaps much more articulately.

What I appreciated about the piece was the point it made that "everyone grieves differently and that science collapses in the face of the mysteries of the heart...."

It helps to hear others' experiences--giving us hope for life after loss, but none of our experiences will be the same. I am sorry if it did not come across that way.

Deb, I think everyone understands that. No worries. You're right, the quote definitely says you will not get over it like you would get over the flu. The quote then assures us that we will integrate the loss into our new selves. It's a lovely piece. --Mike

Mike, I'm sorry if you took my comment that way, I certainly meant no offense, and your post did not offend. I only mean that for me the emphasis is on the life change we go through rather than speaking of it in terms of recovery. Perhaps the fault is mine and my understanding of "recovery"? With addiction and cancer and ALS in my family I imagine my concept of the word is somewhat different and I never have been comfortable applying it to the concept of grief. Forgive my writing skills. We're closer than we think, I think.

BillH said:

We're closer than we think

Click to expand...

No offense was ever taken, Bill. I was worried that perhaps I had offended.

Interesting view: "the emphasis is on the life change we go through rather than speaking of it in terms of recovery."

In fact, very possibly that's exactly my own view. Maybe that's exactly what I did after my PALS passed. Thanks for the insight. --Mike

In many ways Mike, things you have mentioned that your daughter came to believe about faith and religion have been spoken by my son. We are catholic and I hesitate to continue religious ed because our counselor feels it is doing him more harm than good at this point. It is not providing a place of solace and comfort but rather condemnation.

I would also say you do go thru many stages of grieving and sometimes circle back to a previous one. I personally dont think you ever get over losing a loved one but rather learn to incorporate the loss into your day to day life. At first it is merely survival but it gets less emotional with with time.

Interesting Steph. I think we agree. Sorry to hear your son didn't get solace from the religious studies. I was raised Catholic, and went to Catholic high school. They seemed very understanding to me. Indeed, Pope Francis is my hero!

But I shouldn't stray too far from the purpose of this thread by 4loml, "on Grief".