Month 7

I can not think that it has been 7 months. I thought of him all day. I am going through a move at the moments (yes another one) and I really could have used his smile today. He always was a wonderful help. You know how many men (sorry guys) would just sit on the couch and let us gals do all the packing? Not my Hubby. He would do as much as me if not more. I miss the little things so much. I can not think it has been so long or so short. Some days it feels that we have been apart for years, and others it feels like yesterday. I am still on that roller-coaster up and down quick turns and blackouts. I miss him so much. I have made a resolve to be better, I just don't know how. I think I make small corrections to my life to save myself from a total derail, only to find out that I have made HUGE mistakes. I don't even want to go out with friends anymore, but then I plan that I want to have a Halloween party. Am I nuts? I can't have it both ways. I am no longer motivated to the small things in life that make it worth it. I shower, go to school, eat and that's about it. I dunno, maybe it will be a better day ...

I'm so sorry. I read your grief but I like that you have so many sweet memories of him, that you go through a tough day and can know for certainty that he would have made it easier to handle. That's a gift.

Do you not want to go out with your friends anymore because they know? Sometimes it helps to be anonymous, you know? Is there a place you can go where no one knows you, where you can help out for a day? Maybe a place to volunteer? It's freeing sometimes to be around people who aren't aware of your pain. It's that way for me, at least.

Hey Pandora

Thought of you throughout the day. Call me anytime.

Riding a Roller Coaster is really a good way to describe our feelings and I HATE roller coasters, always have, always will.

I have been "anonymous" this week and that really does help. I was able to smile and talk to people, knowing I would most likely never see them again. It sounds like you need a little "away" time. Something small, something safe. Just a little trip to a tourist trap for a couple of days would probably do.

I hope you can find a little peace, somehow. I can, though, relate with the roller coaster ride. I don't like that feeling either.

Hi Pandora; We learn the most from our mistakes, the biggest are the most educational! hahaha.

I have a similar experience not wanting to be too social. i'll be out walking the dog and hear a car and start thinking," don't stop to chat, dont stop to chat..." of course the car stops, I smile, peer in the window and positively greet, "hey, how's it going! gorgeous day...."
sometimes I'm really glad they stopped even though before hand I was dreading the possible interaction. It happens before parties or whatever as well. I kinda just push myself through.

I also run into many people who"know" . Ugh. I was working and this guy who somehow knew my husband stopped to chat. ( Of course i'm standing with one of the board of directors) and the guy was asking how I'm doing and the girls and then he says, "It's been more than a year now right?" I just looked at him straight faced and said " in 12 days it will be eight months." i left it at that - totally akward - he kinda just wandered away. I'm more peaceful when annonymous.

Everyday, I try to do or go or somehow experience something new to me - seems to help. i gotta run - gotta put a smile on and get to work.