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brooksea

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This isn't about my husband, this is about my mother. Sigh...

I can't take care of her and my husband and son. She either has a dementia problem or a medication problem. I think it's time for her to go back to assisted living or a nursing home. She will not want to at all!

Anyone have any advice on how to get her into a home against her will? And will the "authorities" try to charge us with negligence if we do nothing?

I'm about to lose my mind over all this crap! Her friends are calling me wanting me to come "rescue" her. My brother is calling me telling me of outlandish phone conversations he's had with her. My husband is constantly worried about her and his EL kicks in! HELLO!?! Am I the savior of the world? :evil:
 
Have you told your brother he needs to check into this? Someone must know how to deal with her care needs. And CJ, I think your plate is more than full.
 
It is time for other family members to step up and take her. You have more than enough without that responsibility as well.
 
That's just it! My brother is calling me to take care of the matter! There is no one else to help! He's "too busy." You know, he has a "real" job! (and a "real" family) LOL

I've just about had it with everyone! Friends, neighbors, family can all just burn. OK, not all, but most!

The emotional stress is killing me! But, I am worried that if I don't do something, I could be blamed if something happens to her. I've been told that could happen (negligence). I don't see how, but my brother was told the same thing.

AAARRRGGGHHH!
 
CJ... I want you to imagine me looking you right in the eye with a very stern face. OK: you CANNOT do it all. Your brother is calling you because he KNOWS if he keeps at you you're going to try to figure out a way to handle it. I know this because I often let myself get caught in the same trap. You need to TELL your brother that you are simply unable to handle the issues with your mother and this one's on him. What we had to do with my mom was find an assisted living apartment for her (it was actually quite nice). Took her to see it. Then my brother sat her down and TOLD her living alone was no longer an option and she could choose between assisted living or a nursing home. Of course she chose the apartment. It's going to take being firm from your end, and then your brother being firm... but she is his responsibility as well as yours. When he says "what are WE going to do?" you say "YOU are going to research assisted living facilities in the area." If she has the beginnings of dementia issues, then he will need to find one that can deal with dementia.

As far as her friends calling you: you do have caller id and an answering machine? Just don't answer the phone! If it's an emergency they will leave a message and you can call them right back.
 
How about this, CG? Brother can come to your house and "visit" while he tends to the needs of your husband, son (and let's not forget the puppy), while you go deal with your mom. He would go home with a new understanding of your leisurely days.

Yes, I totally understand that this trade of roles won't be happening. He sounds a lot like one of my brothers...

How is your handsome son young doing? I saw the picture you posted of him with your puppy on the weather thread - he is a cutie! My kids are all adults now, and I can't imagine having younger ones while you have so many other responsibilities and he is at the stage of fragile ego. I hope and pray things calm down for you soon.

~Jo
 
Katie is right, dear CJ. Be tough, whatever it takes. I'm watching her face, too. Your brother needs to hear exactly what she said.

She's also right about caller ID. I had to finally get it and USE it for the sake of my voice and fatigue. You need to avoid extra stress--your own health and well being is holding your ship together.
 
Dear CJ,
Is there an ADult Protective Service offiice near you, they could evaluate and take
guardianship of your mom and place her in a safe facility.It removes this burden/responsibility
from you and she will be safe. I 'm sorry you get no help and support from
your brother.
blessings,Pat
 
Wow! I just had this conversation with my mom over the holidays.I told hervshe had tinfigureboutbher future living situation, because I have enough on my plate and cannot add her care to it. My brother says he singing to help, hasn't yet.

I think you should tell your brother he has to handle this and stop asking you to take care of it.
 
Cj we can't do anymore than what we can handle. Lord knows you are doing enough. When My first husband was going thru chemo and radiation, my mom had auzheimers, plus I had a 14 year old at home with a bad attitude because he was mad at the world because his dad was dying. My sister could not understand why i could not help with my mom. I mean seriously! She had to learn to deal with mom and I let her know I had enough on my plate. Don't take no guilt trip either. Take as much care as you can of YOURSELF.
 
Thank you all for your input!

I'm tired of being manipulated! How can I take care of EVERYTHING?

I have a VOI phone service that I can block calls and send them to VM or even say the number is disconnected. I will have to do this, as my husband absolutely obsesses about my mom (he lost his mom several years ago) and listens to everything on my end when someone calls. (I understand he misses talking on the phone.) He does not understand that I cannot emotionally or physically handle his needs and her needs. He has never had to deal with an elderly parent that needed help from their offspring.

My brother leads a "charmed" life with a witch of a wife. He can step up and take care of something for once!

I was the fall guy putting her into Assisted Living to begin with and my brother talked her out of it after about a year. Well, look where we are now! She doesn't know what day it is! Her house is a hoarders dream and she is paranoid as hell, to the point of "accusing" me of using her card to buy a rug from a place near her house. HELLO! That's about an hour away from where I live...she is losing her mind. Whether it be prescription drugs or dementia, I don't know. But I've spoken to her doc and he won't take her off the drugs and keeps prescribing more "downers."

We used to talk about every other day, but I haven't spoken to her since after Christmas. She didn't show up at the restaurant where we were to all meet for Christmas lunch. We knew it would happen, but it was just round the corner from her house and we didn't want to revisit the mess there. It takes a while to get my husband ready to go somewhere. Then you travel and he grows tired and then you wait. Then he stresses and the EL kicks in. Also, I know my mom was expecting us to come to her house when she didn't show up. NOT this time! I could just...well...scream...my mom is going to have to be handled by my brother.

Thank you Katie! Your facial expression was very helpful!

Thank you all! It has been a very hard road lately and I appreciate your input!

I ain't worrying about the situation no more! ;)
 
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Atta girl, CJ. I am proud of you!
 
Good girl! And just for the record... paranoia is a VERY common symptom of Alzheimer's, as is hoarding
 
My mama always thought someone was stealing from her ...Katie is right.
 
You know what they say CJ, if you want something done give it to the busiest person in the room. It's time to stop being the busiest person in the room. It's time for your brother to grow up and take some responsibility for something beyond himself. He'll thank you for it, once he figures out life isn't all about him. 'Course that could take years......
 
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