How do you move forward

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Elaine H-S

New member
Joined
Feb 8, 2012
Messages
5
Reason
CALS
Diagnosis
09/2010
Country
US
State
New York
City
Beacon
I cared for my husband for 2 1/2 years and he passed away from ALS on December 14th 2012. I still wake up to do things for him, it is like still being in that mode. How do you move forward? The pain of missing him, the children away at school and trying to get back into the working world. It is hard staying in the house and very hard to rest. Nights are my worst enemy...I wish someone would wave a magic wand and it would stay daytime all the time.

God give me the strength to overcome this pain, lonelyness, emptyness and uselessness.
 
I am so sorry for your loss, Elaine. My husband was diagnosed about the same time as yours, but he seems to be progressing slower. I can only imagine the thoughts and difficulties your are having, as I haven't yet experienced it. My heart goes out to you at this horribly painful time.

Prayers and hugs, Jo
 
So sorry to learn of your husband's death. One day at a time, Elaine. Be good to yourself. The changes you are facing are enormous. Wishing with all my heart that I could provide all of you CALS with a magic wand.
 
My Bruce passed away in August..It is so hard, I am finally getting out a little and doing a few things I like. Mostly with girl friends and family. Of course I have small grandkids that keep me busy, two rotton dogs. Time does help I guess what I am saying. Do I still cry and grieve, YES, but I have more in between times that I don't now. I still think about and miss him so much. But I have accepted he is gone. The life we had is gone. Unfortunately it is scary, depressing, and most of all lonely. If you need someone to talk to, I would be glad to talk to you.
 
Hey Elaine.

My mom passed away from ALS March 14, 2004. A little different relationship, but nonetheless, she was a very special person in my life. I agree with Deb to take it one day at a time. And I agree with your last statement. "God give me the strength...." My personal relationship with Jesus was really all I had to get me through. My sisters and I did not talk about it, and my husband really could not understand as he had not lost a parent yet. I kept my feelings to myself, kept my chin up, and cried at night. It is important for us to cry and grieve. I asked the Lord to help me get through and honestly, could not have made it without Him. He gave me the stength I needed. Pray and ask Him for His strength to get through each day. He will be there for you just like He did for me. Christian music ministered to me greatly also:) You have a purpose for being on this planet, so don't feel useless....you just have to continue to seek and find your purpose:) Jesus loves you! Sorry for your loss! Much love and hugs! ~ Judy
 
Thank you guys so much for your very encouraging words. I am relying much on my faith, family, friends and encouraging words from people like you who know first hand what I am going through, to see me through this as I certainly cant do this alone.

I do agree with you Deb that time will help me but the days just seem so long and the nights longer.

Thanks again guys
 
I cry almost daily, my Mom passed away on December 5,2012. My heart has never known pain like this, she was beautiful on the inside and out. I always received strength and love from her. I am amazed at how well I handle my daily life, with a husband and 3 small children, I stay busy, but she's always in my thoughts. I find strength in prayer and the knowing that one day we will be together again. I miss her horribly...just one day at a time, sometimes just hours...
 
I have not lost anyone really close to me so I can not comment on the pain you must be feeling. I only wish to convey my condolences to you all. I am praying for you all. You all are brave, selfless, loving and incredibly strong. I wish you peace in your time of greiving.
 
Wow, some tough stories here. But inevitable. We will all take our turns eventually, in one way or another. Everyone knows that. Doesn't make it any easier to lose someone you love, I agree. My wife and I have lost several loved ones (and close friends). My mother at age 65 in '96 (way too young to go, in my opinion), both of her parents in early '00's, but both aged to 80 and 81. Still, you hate to lose them, and it hurts terribly. But time does heal, and if you have faith, lean on it.

The people we lose do not want us to grieve forever. Yes, we are allowed to miss them, but they all want us to move on with our lives, I believe. Love them, miss them, cherish their memories......but move on, they don't want us to grieve forever. You make them happy when you learn to live happy, in their honor.

Hang tough, be strong, and make them happy.
 
I'm sorry for your loss, Elaine. It's still so recent. Take things one moment at a time, one day at a time, whatever you need to do to grieve in your own way. I lost my husband almost 1 1/2 years ago. I miss him with all my heart, every single day. I cry, I smile, I love him still, with all my heart. From time to time I think I want to call him on the phone, or in person here at home, turn around to talk to him. Everyday is different, everyday still hurts. Like I've said before, I know he wouldn't want me to be sad but I know he would understand also. Take care. Yasmin.
 
Dear Elaine
I am very sorry for you loss.*

When I received my diagnosis, I*remember feeling my heart falling all the way down to my heels. It was not for me but for my loved ones. I felt awful for what my husband, my children, my parents, my siblings and my friends were going to have to go through.

Since then, I often feel guilty while witnessing my husband and my children having to take care of me, having to do all the work, having to make ends meet and having to be strong for me. I just want to protect them from burning out and from feeling overwhelmed. At the same time, I want to continue and focus on living beautiful and happy moments with them.

When I am gone, I hope that they will continue to be there for one another and that will they continue to enjoy life. And when they are feeling sad and lonely, I will wrap my invisible arms around them and give them a great big hug and say: "Chin up! It will be ok."
 
I lost my husband on sept. 18, 2012, he was diagnosis on Sept. 10, 2012, we figured he had ALS for a few months but waited for all the test results to come in, Doctors said he was in the 1% of Als patients that affected his breathing first, yes we were spared but then again we really didn't have time to say good by, when I took him to the ER on the 13th he was having a really hard time catching his breath, by they time I dropped him off to the nurse and parked the car he stopped breathing and they had to put him on a vent, that was on thursday, so on sunday they said they were going to remove the vent to see how or if he could breath on his on, well an hour or so before the doc came in to remove it he pulled it out himself, he did ok for a very short time, they had him stabble and all, and were getting him comfy when the doc came back to us and said we had to make a choice, he wasnt doing well and we (my kids and me) had to decide it we wanted him back on the vent or not, well we dedicded to keep him off since he pulled the tub out him self, well he lived from sunday morning till tuesday very early morning, thank God we were all there with him when he took his last breath, it will be 5 months this coming monday that he left us, I miss him so much but Thank God he was spared all the suffering you all go through, my prayers and thoughts are with you all
 
So sorry I wish we both had that magic wand. My husband went to heaven January 17th. I still feel kind of numb in a lot of ways. I talk to him so much....all the time. Having two of our daughters still at home 19 & 15 helps because they give me a reason to get up and put one foot in front of the other. Some days it feels like God is the one putting my feet and getting them moving. But the nights ....I too still wake up to check on him. Big hugs and even bigger prayers for you.
 
Elaine... the answer to your question is you do it in baby steps. Reward yourself any time you make the tiniest bit of a move forward. Eventually you'll stop waking up to phantom sounds in the night... I rarely do any more. It's been 2 1/2 years since Glen died. You'll make your own path. Don't let anyone tell you there is a specific way to grieve. There is not. It happens in its own way, in its own time, and will be specific to you.

I do find that sometimes leaving the TV on in my room, or some music playing helps me get to sleep. It doesn't stop the nightmares but my son and a couple of friends are cool with me calling them if I need to even if it's at 3 in the morning. Seek out those friends and treasure them.

Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. And do your best to be patient.
 
Elaine, and everyone;

You don't really move on. Everything, from the point of your loss forward is new. Think of it as being thrust back into your teen years. The future is full of uncertainty. Of course, back then it was all exciting. Now it's very intimidating and downright scary. You will survive though. Look for the good stuff. There's always a reason to smile.

I find myself walking along and seeing little kids full of life. There is a lot of good out there. You have to look for it though. It's very easy to fall into a funk. Don't stay there, no one is going to pull you out. Just get up, get out and be involved. It's easy to find a reason to live, but not quite as easy as finding a reason to do nothing. Make a little effort. In time it'll get better. Just hang in there.

Dick
 
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