Getting mom out of the house

I understand dad isn't doing well and mom doesn't want to leave him, but for her health I really think she needs a break for a couple of days. I have begged her to make plans or reservations ( they have maintained a vacation club membership even though it hasn't been used in a couple of years) to go somewhere and meet up with friends or just get away and relax for a day or two or three but she just won't do it. I told her I would take vacation and handle everything which I am perfectly capable of doing and have done before. She just refuses to go. She has even gotten to the point where she will barely even run to the store if nobody is there with him. They have been married 50 years this June. Give some ideas on how to get her out of the house and make her take a break.

She might be more comfortable going somewhere if it's not very far away and she could get home quickly if there are drastic changes. If she carries a cell phone with her you could reach her anytime and it might ease her mind. At least try to get her out to go see a movie, dinner, or maybe a show with friends. I think she is probally extremely frightened and you'll never get her agree to leave for a few days even though she needs it.

Get your dad to do the talking through whatever communication means he uses. His script could be something like: "You're doing such a great job taking care of me but I would feel so much better if I knew you were taking care of yourself. I know you don't need a break for yourself, but please do it for me."

Start small. Local stuff. A couple hours away at most.

I so agree with the idea of starting her with small breaks away - just coffee with a friend, assuring her that she will be called if anything is wrong. Then build her up to feeling confident to take some longer and better breaks.

>I so agree with the idea of starting her with small breaks away - just coffee with a friend, assuring her that she will be called if anything is wrong. Then build her up to feeling confident to take some longer and better breaks.

ditto that

you say that you have taken care of him before so this not wanting to leave him is something new? and you understand he "isn't doing well" now. This leads me to think she "needs" to be with him, making sure she is accepting outside help and not exhausting herself by physically doing it all herself is about all you can really do.
I am at a point where breaks and small get a ways are needed and happily accepted when they come, BUT I can easily imagine there will be a time when I will not want to be far from his side....and I would just like to see someone tell me I HAD to take a break

I don't want to force it on her but between taking care of him and stuff around the house she runs herself to death. Anytime she sits down for more than a couple minutes she is out cols asleep. She is 75 years old. When I say he isn't doing well I mean he isn't doing as well as he was. He stays in the chair all day but for the most part he is still able to feed himself even though it is a mighty struggle but he will tell you when he wants can't go anymore and needs help. He doesn't walk but can stand for short periods. His breathing is bad but somedays are better than others. I don't want her to go on a long journey but rather go 2 hrs to the beach and relax or do something fun. I have stayed with him for her to do this in the past with no issues and I know I am still perfectly capable of handling everything. The just not wanting to leave him is pretty new. I even told her I understood if she didn't want to go for days but to take a day and go visit her NC friends and come back the next morning or as mentioned before just go to dinner or something with friends here and get out for a while. I would never dream of making her do anything, just want her to take a break before her body decides to take one for her. With nobody but me I can't handle her being in the hospital and him at home. She has a past history of bleeding ulcers, dehydration and anemia problems that run her down and would much prefer her to get a fun break than a hospital stay is all.

You might remind her in a gentle way that if she doesn't take care of herself she won't be able to care for him, not sure how that's done myself cause I've always tended to be a little blunt.

thanks for the extra information, it is so hard to give whole stories in text sometimes

I would also try to ensure your mum is getting lots of fluids, and has the anaemia monitored. CALS can burn out, and you can help your mum not to do this.

Maybe you can start by coming over, bringing her and dad a meal, say a nice lunch, then encourage her to lay down and have a nap. That way she is taking a kind of break, but she is right there, and you can have some time alone with dad. You could also look around and see if there is any little things you can do - some washing, some floors, washing up, sweep outside, weed a garden - ANYTHING. CALS often feel overwhelmed and I know that there is such a feeling of relief if someone does something, but we very often don't want to ask and point out things we haven't managed to get done.

Try to come over often, give her 'breaks' or at least help at home.

She may begin to feel less overwhelmed and agree to go out for a short time, or she may just feel relieved she is getting help and start sleeping more.

Just give her what support you can - don't make her ask for it. It is great you are asking about it here, it shows your genuine caring. My late husband and I have 7 children between us, all adults, and most of the time I had to request their help. They would give the help when asked, and graciously, but I only asked a small percentage of the time that I really wanted their help.

You will never regret helping them both through this time

good advice Tillie.

I have been blessed to have a lot of friends ask what they can do and mean it, but the best is when my sister comes over and just does. She doesn't ask me what needs to be done, she just looks around and does what she sees needs to be done. On my birthday while we were out she cleaned my whole house, I cried with gratitude.

Paulette

Can I rent your sister zoohouse?!

Great advice Tillie! My sister came over one Sunday and stayed downstairs with Joe while I went upstairs and slept in my own bed. It was only for a couple of hours but was the best thing she could have done for me. Snowman, I think that's a great idea for your mom. I'm sure she can use the rest.

Debbie

>Can I rent your sister zoohouse?!