Rant: My Lousy Attitude

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Jason's Dream

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My attitude stinks, and I have been trying t keep it under wraps.

But the other night, Mom and I didn't agree on some thing and I had quite an outburst!

I have never done that!

Thats never been me!

But I was shouting and crying and honestly.. I don't recognize myself anymore!

I am angry, scared, survivor guilt, parent guilt, overwhelmed, and the obvious.. grieving.

I don't want to be around people, because I am afraid of going off on someone else!

I can't figure out how to get my attitude under control and stop smelling like a horse's a$$!

:(

~ Becca
 
Just keep working on it--people who love you will see you are still hurting and understand.

Course, you may have to apologize more than you would like (I know I have to say sorry all the time for blowing off steam!) ;)
 
When my brother-in-law was in town for my mother-in-law's funeral last month, I had a COMPLETE meltdown because David started telling a childhood story that was an entirely different version of the one Terry had told me. I fell apart. That is the only outburst I have had with anyone since Terry's death. I have no idea why that set me off the way it did, but it did! Cut yourself some slack. At least it was with your mother! She has to forgive you!
 
My Mom shouldn't have to forgive me, after all the help she has been to me, especially these past 2+ years. :(

Then today... sorry, warning: another rant.

I went to get my oil changed today at Walmart. When I checked in, all the guy said was "Miley?" I was like yeah. It wasn't until I heard over the store speaker, "JASON MILEY you vehicle is done...". I went livid! 3 months ago (just after his death) they did this and I had them change it. At first they said it couldn't be done, but then after being insistant, they said they changed it, so TODAY wouldn't happen! UGH!
 
It happens. Just live one day at a time. A couple times this past year I would burst out into tears and couldn't stop. Literally, could NOT stop..shouting/crying...nothing helped. I just kind had to get a bit dehydrated I guess to stop the numerous tears from falling. Actually, I think it helped when I think about it later...you need to release pent up stuff.
 
Dearest Becca,
The very best remedy for how you've been feeling is getting some exercise. It will release endorphins and give you a boost you are desperately needing. It will also help you to burn away some of the anger and anxiety. Its also the hardest thing in the world to motivate yourself to do when you are feeling as low and badly as you are.

Anything that gets your heart rate up will work, its sometimes the only thing that helps me maintain sanity.
 
Dearest Becca, it happens. You're not the same person you used to be, that person is buried deep inside you, waiting patiently for the grief and sorrow and yes, ANGER to work it's way out of your system. So don't beat yourself up too much... I'm sure your Mom will understand, and I'm sure you've already apologized and feel really badly. That's obvious.

Great idea from asantiago about exercise, if you exhaust yourself physically, you'll get rid of a lot of stress. A friend of mine lost her husband after 5 years of a brain tumor, and she found her solace in running... one day as she was going around the track yet again she looked down and saw a rock that was in the shape of a heart. She carried it everywhere with her for years. Her husband was probably only 35 when he passed away, and they also had a young son. Life can really suck at times, but remember that Jason was LUCKY he had you and the children you had together. You GAVE him that, and you're a hero... not a superhero, so cut yourself some slack.

BTW, it still pisses me off when I go get something done on MY car, the one I bought myself, hubby's name never on it, and they have the acct under HIS name! HELLO! Especially when we were separated for years at the time!
 
I know I've told you guys the stories of how I like to toy with phone solicitors. You know .. the ones that call and start a conversation "I'm returning your husband's call...." I've been known to either tell them "oh.. he doesn't live here any more" then give them the number for the cemetary OR I sweetly say "oh.. you're returning Glen's call?" why, yes ma'am. Oh, when did you speak with him again? They will usually say a date or "well we spoke with him this time last year..... I get all excited! "REALLY!? How did you reach him!? Because I'd really like to reach him too and by that time he'd already been dead six months!" So... evil humor is one of my coping mechanisms.
 
Just a thought from a very paranoid lives in the country me..... I tend to be pretty careful about which clerks, stores, telemarketers, etc. I inform of my (ugh) "widowed" status. I have left my husband's name on a couple of things/accounts. I don't want some nut-case knowing I'm living alone in a somewhat rural area with two small kids and I could be easy pickings. Honestly, I've had enough bad luck. My brother is a police officer and thinks it's a good idea to not advertise my status to those that don't need to know. I've been careful with delivery people as well - having them leave stuff outside (and move it in myself with the help of neighbors) or leave some men's magazines/coats/shoes, etc. sitting around while they are there. I don't own a weapon, but sometimes think it might be a good idea. Still on the fence about that. Right now I'm hoping a baseball bat, pepper spray, and a bad attitude will be enough until I decide.
 
I like Asantiago's commments too. I started Hatha yoga again and gosh, it just gives me such a sense of peace and tranquility (for a while anyway) and it stretches and tones you and teaches you how to breathe, to really breathe. It was hard to get motivated and really it still is but I look forward to how it makes me feel. I'm not a hippy either! Take care sweet lady. Yasmin
 
LOL I can't wait to use the funeral home's number! LMAO! I keep telling these lame brain sales people he passed away and they won't listen. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." Then they call back again the next day!
 
Becca I think it will take a while for you to get your attitude under control, and you are entitled to let her rip in my opinion. Like Barbie says be prepared to apologize often because while you were giving all your love and care to Jason for so long you just bottled things up inside. I think you will be a time bomb of emotions for some time to come. It might be a good idea to prepare those around you for those moments. If my friend told me he or she was feeling a bit explosive and out of control on occasion due to hubby/wife dying of ALS I would cut them lots of slack. Hugs to you--you stinky horses' ass.
Laurel
 
Sweetie, you're entitled. Please, see a grief counselor. They are trained in methods to help you cope with loss. You've been through a lot. More than anyone your age should have to have contended with. I wish I could offer more than prayers.
 
Do not be hard on yourself. This is a life changing experience for pals and caregivers. Sometime I wish like the Psalmist to be a bird and fly away. Sometimes I ask the Lord, I thought you would not give us more than we could bare? This ALS is wicked on the mind. Seeing someone waste away. get their mind off base, lose mobility month by month it all takes a spine of steel and I think mine is made of balsa wood. No one knows except someone who has been through it. I think what makes me most angry is the never ending adjustments to her hands, glasses, nose, feet, position and on and on and on. I have to catch myself from blasting her because I know it is a frontal lobe thing. It has inhanced OCD behavior. This too shall pass should be our mantra.
 
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