Am I wrong

My finace hasn't spoken to me in 3 days despite the calls and messages. I'm really worried because he is still in Texas until I can go get him next week. A few days ago I told his parents what was going on with him. I had promised my finace 2 months ago that I wouldn't say anything but as time went on the guilt was killing me. I felt like they needed to know, because they would be devasted if he passed on and they didn't even know he was sick. But I also wanted to respect his wishes. My mother saw how stressed out I was getting trying to handle evrything on my own and she felt that we both needed the support of his family as well. So she took it upon herself t call his parents and told them that something was wrong with their son and they needed to call him. Well come to find out they didnt have his new number so when my finace's father called me in tears asking what was going on with him. I told him that hos son was sick but he didn't want anyone to know and he didn't want to be a burden and I gave him the new number. He tried that with me but I wasn't having it. Later that night my finace called me upset, telling me I didn't have a right to tell his folks. He been saying things, like he pissed at the world and he's sick of everybody and he wish everyone would leave him alone. He havn't spoken to me since then and that was 3 days ago. I have to admit I feel so much better now that his family know but he didn't want him to be mad at me either. Was I wrong for telling his parents?

There is no right or wrong here.

But, that being said, it is always better to give a cognitively intact adult the respect to make their own choices, even if you think those choices are foolish, shortsighted, or erroneous..

He needs you now! It can be really tough, though, to allow someone to do something that you know is not in his/her best interest. . .I would advise you to calm down, approach him gently, don't try to justify your actions to him, apologize, give him a big hug, and move on. .

Agree 100% with Fran.

Yes, I also agree with Fran, babygurl. Your fiance is behaving in a way which in this situation, is totally normal--it's hard to define normal, as it's very different for each of us. And, he will likely have many more times of meltdowns. Try to stay calm when he isn't, and let him decide the big things in his illness... He may need anti-depressants while dealing with this. And don't beat yourself up over what's done... just let it be a learning experience.

Very best wishes this stage gets easier for all of you.

You were wrong to tell his parents without his consent, period.

Is your feeling better worth the betrayal your fiance is feeling right now? Or the misery that his parents are currently going through right now with incomplete information about a very rare disease?

Seems to me that your peace of mind came at a very high price to other people. Sounds very selfish to me. Yet you did it anyway. You betrayed the most important trust he had given you.

And you wonder why he doesn't want to speak to you?

Your mother had no right to approach his parents like that. As for your telling them after your mom opened the can of worms, that's a tough one. Personally, I would have told them they needed to ask their son. My husband did not want his parents to know for quite a while. I did not tell them. I waited until he was ready. Take Fran's advice. Do not try to justify anything. Own your actions, apologize and hope he will move on.

It's one of those deals where you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't. You have to make a decision by using practical ideas, feelings of the heart, and solutions. When you have thought it over well enough, you go with your decision and live with it. Everyone won't be pleased with what you do. That's a given. Just speak honestly.. tell that you meant no harm but good... and don't beat yourself up if it
seems to be the wrong thing. You haven't lost your finance if he truly loves you. He will know he needs you and how much indeed. It takes time and gentle communication to come to grips with any disease. Be available but don't push. If you are religious, pray.

What's done is done! Look to the future. This moment will pass.

Even though Glen had dementia and did not make good decisions, I always tried to give him respect enough to ask his input and request his wishes as much as possible. This is why he never had a peg.. he was adamently against it (and honestly wouldn't have complied with care and restrictions anyway). But CJ is right... you can't undo what's done, so it's time to look forward. I'd be more concerned now about just getting in touch with him and making sure he's ok, then moving forward. Remember that there's a lot of anger that goes with this diagnosis and right now, the situation with his parents is giving him a place to focus that anger.

I don't feel bad about the decision I made. However I kind of wish my mom would of gave him more time to go to his parents himself, because he did want to tell them just didn't know how. But what was done is done and there is no going back. I'm still going there at the end of this week. I didn't tell them that he has ALS, I just told them that he was sick and they should get in touch with him becasue he could use their support. i left it up to him to go into detail. The truth of the matter is when he move back to GA, we are going to need as much help as we can get. I'm more than willing to do what it takes, but we do have 2 small kids, I work and go to school, so I'm not going to be there24/7 as his condition worsens.
Right now, yeah he feels like I betrayed him, I told him that was not my intent cuz I've been by his side for all his other decisions, rational or not.

though i agree with some of what the others have said, i can understand why you would want or maybe need to tell them.
i was in a similar situation not too long ago with a loved one. she found out she has cancer but she swore me to secrecy. after a time, i was getting more and more stressed over it, as i was the only go-to person for her. i actually came on here to vent and there were a number of people who suggested that i tell family because it wasnt fair for all of it to be put on my shoulders when i didnt ask for that.
so if thats part of what you were feeling, i understand that. but i also agree that it shouldve been up to him. you couldve told him you were over loaded and needed others to step in and help emotionally, and then given him the choice to tell them. but, as you said- what is done is done. and im sure you meant no harm. hope you two can patch things up soon so you can enjoy your visit!

Thanks Liz, glad someone somewhat understands. wasn't trying to disrespect him in anyway and yes it was really starting to put a toll on me. Which wasn't fair cuz I got a 5 and 1 year old. The 1 year old is his and my 5 year old has a disability. we were able to patch things up, even though he felt like I betrayed his trust , he also realized that he was being a lil selfish.