When to get Assistance

[Chase_Corin]

My father is dead set against having somone help him shower and get dressed. The problem is, my mother can't do it anymore.

Mom was recently diagnosed with Spinal Stenosis which is basically the lack of disks in the spine and the narrowing of the spinal canal. She has to watch how much she tries to do because she had injured her back in the past. They are talking about her needing surgery.

That is when we suggested that she get help for dad. My father is still able to walk and talk and do most things but he is shakey and his muscles are deteriorating. He is insistant that we don't get somone tl help with showers and the like because he would find it embarassing. He also thinks my mom is still capable, what he dosn't realise is what it takes out of my mom. By the time she helps him shower and get dressed she is in so much pain she can do little else all day.

I tried to explain it to dad as a fact. That eventually he will need the assistance anyhow and right now at least he can communicate to the careworker his wishes rather than in the future not being able to interact at all.

It is hard for him to accept because he is a proud man, he has always been very active and this disease has taken a lot of things from him. His dignity is one of the only things he has left.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I might broach this subject successfully with my parents? I would appreciate anything. I have already voilunteered to help dad shower but the thought of me seeing him naked is even more disturbing to my father, and my brother is not available to help.

Thanks

 

[stephie]

We started out by having someone come to "help" my husband with other things once in awhile, such as helping him eat and doing a little housework. We gradually worked up to helping him use the bathroom and finally showering him. Once he got more comfortable with her and did the shower thing a few times, he got over it. He now has no problem with anyone helping him- his children, his parents, his sister, etc. It gradually becomes just another thing that needs to be done by whoever is around to do it.

 

[jodie-m]

i help my husband if you have a showerover the bath there is loads of ting they do to help we have just had a seat that can be put across but can come off o it is much easier when he has a shower my partner hated me helping him 2 start wiv but we just make a laugh n joke n just get through it hope he lets some 1 help him soon xx

 

[BarryG]

Up until about a month ago I did all of my own care but I finally realized that it was too dangerous for me to do my showers myself and very tiring to get myself dressed and my wife was not able to help because she has to work to keep our house going. So I decided to take advantage of the home care program that is offered here and have a PSA (Personal Support Aide) come in to our house every morning and I have a shower three times a week. As it is a rotation I have had 9 different women come in and they are all fantastic, friendly and very professional and I have never been embarrassed at all.

Sure it is an adjustment to have strange people (and they are not strange for long) seeing you naked but you know what, all of this disease is an adjustment and this is such a small thing really. If he loves his wife then he should just get over it and do it for her. When the going gets tough the tough get help.

All the best and good luck
Barry

 

[abbas child]

Chase, has your father fallen yet? Falling and not being able to get back up is an amazing teaching tool for us. Barry is absolutely correct. It's embarrassing only for a short while. If your dad can get professionals, as Barry and others have, they will help him lose the awkwardness, quickly. I have girlfriends hoist me out of bed and onto the toilet, then the wheelchair. At this point, we're usually so busy talking, I have to tell them to please start moving again so I don't slip as I hang in the breeze. For your mother's sake, I think it's time to tell your Dad that her doing this for him is selfish of him. If she ends up unable to do anything due to pain, he will lose a lot out of his own stubbornness.

 

[joelc]

You have already been given some good advice. You are right in what you are trying to do.
It is much easier for him to start with caregivers now while he can still talk. Once his voice goes it is a lot harder. I agreed to have caregivers because I knew it was going to get too hard for my wife, we can't think about ourselves in this situation. My wife and son were my caregivers for years and then our son was offered another job so we had to find other caregivers. By this time I could no longer talk so it was a real challenge to train them. Encourage you dad to do it now, it gets much harder later.

I also did not want caregivers to help shower me but there was no choice so I shut my mind off and made it happen, now I am used to it. Don't like it but am used to it.

 

[Marjorie R. Wilcox]

Maybe you could turn your back and have him undress and wrap in a beach towel. Then you could walk him into the shower and keep the curtain between you. Then take the towel off last minute. Use a nylon net "ball" scrungie to lather and wash all parts below the neck. They lather VERY quickly and rinse VERY quickly so a person doesn't have to stand long. You should use an antibacterial soap like white Dial, my favorite. I used to help my clients wash their bottom first and then they would sit down and they washed all the rest with ease.

On his way out of the shower stall you would open the beach towel with your eyes closed and face held to the side. Wrap him up and lead out or to his walker or chair.

If he can't undress by himself, make a pact with him that you will shut your eyes but use your hands to help. Turn your face away so that you only see him in your side vision. He should be able to trust you not to "peek." I think after a while he would get used to it. He will be so grateful not to have to have strangers help. Worth a try?

 

[sanderson]

HI Chase
We went through this with my dad as well, prior to his moving into a veterans facilty. Its is very difficult. There are a ways to manage it through. Marjorie has provided some good suggestions. There is also a chair that goes into the bath that will lower the person into the tub and then raise them up again, if you have a hand held shower, this may be something that would work. if you check with your OT, they can find out about it. What we did with my dad, is that he used a bath chair, and stayed in his underwear, and I( or his homemaker) would wash all but his "private" areas. We would then give dad privacy bystepping just outside the bathroom door and he had enough mobilty in his hands and legs to finsih off the bath safely and could get out of the tub and wrap in a towel. Then we would come back in and help him to dry off and dress. This worked well until he just wasnt able to manage physically and by that time he had moved in a care facility and while regretting the need for someone to care for him, he was adjusted. Good Luck, its a tough situation .