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Anyone else has quilt trips? The last days have been very difficult, i mean the last days of mum, how she couldnt breath, i woUld stay up all night outside her bedroom and getting inside asking her to go to the hospital.

I regret everytime i raised my voice to her when she will wake me up to turn her around or fix her pillow again and again or when she will wait for me awake not trusting the PT i had hired for a few hours so i could go out for a bit.

These thoughts i cant shake away you know. Day is lets say more easy, i go to work, and maybe for a cofee, Saturday night i got out till late after a long time. But when i go to bed i remember everything, her eyes, her eyes, her hands, her smiles.

I want to forget her. Forget everything. I dont know.I want to forget how she was coughing all night, Iam so sick of these memories. Sick of them. My mother was such a star, full of life, everyday. Damn. I cant remember her, i dont want to anymore. I try to talk about this to someone but they just dont understand you know. They dont. I feel like my mum was taken from me, in every way, Connected to these horrible memories you know.

Is this so difficult only to me? I dont know how to take a distance from this thing. The other day i realised i was repeated the same again and again, and i told myself stop. Stop. Dont think. Dont think. Forget, forget. Just venting,
 
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Guilt, yes. I you gave all you had (including sleep and patience) and it still wasn't enough to quiet the beast, that can turn into guilt. It just means that you were willing to do the impossible for her.
Vent, forget, remember, heal. All in due time, no schedule. Don't feel guilty, you're human, you're not a machine. Your mom wasn't a machine or she wouldn't have fallen sick.
If memories are too close and too terrible taking a step back is healthy. Distract yourself. With anything. It will get better. Promise.
 
I want to wish u all Merry Christmas. This is my first time without my mum and its been heavy, been crying a lot. My thoughts and prayers are with u all and especially to Cals and Pals. Im thinking all of u and i wish there was a way to give u a hug. A strong hug to everybody. I keep hugging my sister who is too very affected. I dont know what to say. I wish the pain gets better, and for Pals God gives a cure. Or a better quality of life. Love u all. Merry Christmas.
 
Merry Christmas Nina. We get your hugs and send you some.
 
Merry Christmas Nina. Hoping your Christmas memories of your Mom can start to have some sweetness along with the sadness. Kate
 
Nina...the first of everything without your Mum will be hard. I felt some relief after the first year mark but here I am at my second Christmas without my brother and I still had a bit of a cry. I also had like this movie reel in my mind of him in sickness and not when he was healthy but that too has gotten better and the good memories start to come back. I still get a few tears when I think of how sick he was but not as often. Hang in there and do the best that you can. Merry Christmas Nina.
 
Merry Christmas Nina!
 
When my mum died my best friend didnt come to her funeral. She had given birth 3 months before. Even though i had mum sick and in bed i went and visited her and even bought a really expensive gift for her daughter. We are friends for over 30 years. She didnt call, didnt come in the funeral. She was totally absent. She then send me a message 2 weeks after telling me she wanted to come and see me. While she was completely absent all that time. She didnt even call me. She grew up in our house. Almost daily. I told her i dont want to see her. Where she is been all this time? She said she was scared for her baby and how mums death will affect her. I told her i dont ever want to see her. She is now inviting me to her daughters christening. She puts her mum to tell me to forgive her. Im not going. It was my mum. My mum treated her as her own daughter. I was her best friend and didnt call to check how i was. Im really disappointed at some people. How my mum fave and gave. And how i did the same. And some people take us for granted. Im done giving. Mum gave and where did it take her?
 
I think we see who our real friends are when we go through an illness like ALS. We find out who we can count on and who we can't.

I am sure it was very hurtful that your bestfriend wasn't there for you. You get to decide how you move forward, no one else...
 
Just checking. I kinda miss talking to you all. Im back at work full time. Life has been nice, difficult at times. I miss mum dreadfully still, especially nights and mornings. The why still there. The struggle in my legs still there. Trying to lose some weight, going out, enjoy life. But at the same time kinda always looking back as if something is hanging over me, over my back. My brother is struggling alot too, i think if he continues like that ill definitely decide to take him to therapy. I still dont want to think about mum i push her memories from my mind. I was sleeping well for sometime, now having a bit of struggle. Trying to start dating again but not many gay women in my city, closed society and all. Kisses and hugs to all.
 
Glad to hear from you Nina.
Lots of love
 
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