Without mum

[NinaP]

So im here. Its been 10 days since mum died. Went to work this week. We did the 3 day memorial and then the 9 day memorial. House filled with people. Yet im missing mum. Especially at nights and mornings. The smiles the goodmornings her phonecalls to work. Strange i didnt miss it all this time she was bedridden. Till the end i was hoping for a miracle that didnt came. I didnt go out yet. Many offers from friends but i feel i want to take it easy. I cleaned the house. Her room. We do this winter cleaning wash the winter carpets change them. Generally trying to not remember. Changing the chanels we used to watch the shows. Not listening to music she loved. Trying to push the memories of how she got sick the doctors visits how she got worst. Her hopes dreams. Dont want to remember. My body hurts. My hands legs. My left leg is always in some ache. My calf my knee. I see dents in my whole body. Trying in general not to think anything. Trying to keep a distance from my feelings. Crying a lot. I dunno. Scared a lot. Dissapointed. Kinda resigned. Nit so angry anymore though.

 

[Atsugi]

Take it easy. You'll cry. Expect a lot of interruptions in your head.


Your friends--real friends--will understand.


But do go out once in a while. A little distraction helps.

 

[wishmobbing]

Oh Nina, you were so close and you'll remember her like nobody else. Someday you'll hear her music again and it will bring a smile to your face, remembering the times when she was so very much alive. Don't expect too much of yourself or of your body. You need time to heal.
Big hugs!

 

[MarieLaure]

Nina we love you
Take time
See people you love
Cry
Listen to music
Take time off work if you can
See your doctor for your pain
See people you love
She will always be there
See people who love you
Loving vibes

 

[Narrowminded]

Hugs Nina. Praying for your comfort. No real advice as my time has not yet come.

 

[lgelb]

Nina, in time you will be happy to watch the shows and hear her music. Her likes and dislikes and the moments you shared will always be part of your life and memories. But now is the time to reclaim your own "likes and dislikes" as well. Don't stand away from your feelings. They have guided you this far.

Best,
Laurie

 

[NinaP]

I miss mum. I sometimes turn my head to her sit and talk forgeting she is not there. Huge house is empty. Her smile. How sweet she was. How much she went tbrou. I miss her dreadfully. Thays all.

 

[Bestfriends14]

Big hugs to you, NIna. Give yourself time to feel all the feelings you are having. You will come out the other side of this and be an even stronger woman than you already are. You helped your mum tremendously through her journey, but now it is time to concentrate on you.

You were an asset to your mum and I am sure she was so grateful for the time you spent with her during her final days. Please know that you are strong and can get through anything; even this time that seems so challenging.

 

[NinaP]

We had our 40 days memorial, it was like a big celebration of her life. We went to our church the priest said special prayers for her then we had a big gathering with food and cofee and wine and talked about her a lot. So many of her old friends told me stories about her, one told me how she helped her, used to shop for her and her family because they were struggling financially mum will buy her mean and groceries and bread and everything. It was really touching.

Yesterday i went out for a cofee with friends, and i took off the black clothes, tradition says to wear black for a year at least but i cant do it, i did it for dad but i had mum, i just cant do it, i cried but i cant wear black all day, iam already so broken. I miss mum terribly, she was so strong, she would support me on everything. Some days are good, others very bad. Thank God i have my sisters and we support each other.

As for me, i have arranged an apointment with a woman neurologist next week, she has a good rep. Not sure she can perform an EMG but she has a good reputation. I have recently noticed that my left side where i feel my leg weaker, my left ribcage has started to show. and my left side is much thinner than my right. Slurring sudenly has gotten worse my tongue feels like is struggling for power, and now my right hand got weaker i cant easily pick up a botle of water anymore, i drop things constantly.

Life has become very difficult, i come from work at 5 in the afternoon, and have to cook and clean and iam so tired by the time it gets 10 at night. I have to work though cause iam out of money, our savings me and my mums dissapeared all these months, and of course 6 years with my father sick, so i have to work in order to get back in some program. Unfortunately by the time mum died the money we were waiting from the state because of her condition, didnt come and now i have to wait for months, to sort her will and inheritance and her affairs, in order to get them.

I feel completely helpless and resigned to this fate that has come to my mum and me. I have no courage anymore.

 

[lgelb]

Nina, I hope the neurologist can reassure you. Try to remember that this is as bad as it gets in remembering your mom. You will remember more of the good and less of the bad as time goes by. The stories you heard at the memorial and your own experiences are a good starting place.

And she would want you to be healthy and happy, not frozen in time, worried about yourself. Many of us have to keep working, but that is only one part of a full life. Many of us find purpose in helping others who are less fortunate, as well.

So whatever you need to do to avoid freezing in worry, like going to the neurologist, you should do. But if the neuro says you are OK, as the other doctors have, you need to give yourself permission to believe it.

Best,
Laurie

 

[MarieLaure]

Oh Nina,
As Strange as it may seem, your not wearing black anymore , having coffee with your friends and having a neuro appointment is all good news that show your courage !
I really hope you can soon be reassured about your health and have some more good moments with friends and family and be supported by the good memories from your mom and dad.
hugs

 

[NinaP]

I find myself crying a lot, like two or 3 times a day. I keep talking about mum, how she was doing things, I keep remembering how she got sick, all the stages, the endless visits to the doctors, her hopes of getting better, her joy when she thought she was getting better and stronger.

Everybody have their trees up, their lights, Christmas are near. As Greek tradition has it, i wont be putting any lights this year or tree, since iam in mourning. I miss her dreadfully, we used to do all these things together. She had special recipees for Christmas, she was such a great cook.

My apointment with the doctor is this week, i decided to do whole blood check up in order to have something to show. I keep thinking that maybe i do need some therapy. I go to church but apart from the peace of mind there arent any group or grief groups here. Nothing. My left leg and left hand/arm are weak, as i said now my right arm is weaker too, cant lift things easily.

 

[KimT]

Hi Nina,

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and what you are going through.

I was a caregiver for my mom and my dad. After my mother passed, I was relieved and guilty that I felt that way. Grief is so hard to predict and everyone is different. I do know that seeing a counselor helped. I miss my mother so much and, during the holiday time, even more.

I'm praying that your doctor's appointment goes well.

 

[MarieLaure]

Love to you Nina

 

[NinaP]

December 8 last year was the last time got out, last year. I took her out to the city centre for the lighting of the city tree. Everybody was out we had a great day. She was walking slowly staying behind being out of breath. We thought it was her back. Who would have thought what was coming. After that she lost her stenth and we went from doctor to doctor for months.