So im here. Its been 10 days since mum died. Went to work this week. We did the 3 day memorial and then the 9 day memorial. House filled with people. Yet im missing mum. Especially at nights and mornings. The smiles the goodmornings her phonecalls to work. Strange i didnt miss it all this time she was bedridden. Till the end i was hoping for a miracle that didnt came. I didnt go out yet. Many offers from friends but i feel i want to take it easy. I cleaned the house. Her room. We do this winter cleaning wash the winter carpets change them. Generally trying to not remember. Changing the chanels we used to watch the shows. Not listening to music she loved. Trying to push the memories of how she got sick the doctors visits how she got worst. Her hopes dreams. Dont want to remember. My body hurts. My hands legs. My left leg is always in some ache. My calf my knee. I see dents in my whole body. Trying in general not to think anything. Trying to keep a distance from my feelings. Crying a lot. I dunno. Scared a lot. Dissapointed. Kinda resigned. Nit so angry anymore though.