Hi hboyajian and Anna and Irish7. Thanks for your input as it helps me to think about what may or may not be going on and what I want to do next. Here's the thing, two local docs-my gp and local neuro - said more than once they think I have ALS. They referred me to the ALS clinic, and we must remember that the folks at the clinic see much more ALS than the locals do.
That being said, we are dealing with human people after all, no matter how smart and how experienced. So the specialist promised back in July that he was pretty sure it had to be MS or Lupus. Back here in my own town we all looked at each other and said, "humm." The neuro even said, "IF the Doctor at the clinic is WILLING (emphasis on the word willing) to give you a diagnosed of MS then that is good enough for me!"
I replied that it is good enough for me, too. Anything but ALS. But I had already joined an MS on line support group and nothing that is happening to the folks over there rang true for me. Then the tests for MS came back and I saw why. I don't have that disease. Or any of the other usual suspects.
Then he said "Benign Fasciculations" but that doesn't explain loss of bowel control or clumsiness, so again I held off from celebrating. So now I think a couple of things: first, I am not nearly as bad as the other patients at the clinic. Probably he's waiting to see if I get worse. Second, maybe I have a unique and slow-moving and mild form that will give me lots of time. Or maybe as we keep running tests something else will show up.
But from the look on this guy's face last Monday, I see worry. He was so happy to report MS or plain old fasciculations. Now he can't make eye contact. He is young. He's smart and caring, and maybe he thought, for once, he had a patient he could help. I left him with his shoulders slumped and walked through the waiting room past people in chairs - one came in on a stretcher - and felt somewhat elated. Anything is better than ALS. But seeing first hand how awful it can get helps me understand why no doc will jump to give this DX.
I've told others on this forum what I truly believe: this disease will come, or not. And if it comes I will deal with it. If not, I will deal with whatever it is that I do have. I quit grieving for my lost health months ago. And worrying about the future only causes me more bad health. So I will enjoy life as much as I can by doing what I can while I can for as long as I can. I really do not see any other way.
Thanks for listening. You guys are great!