My relationship ended two years ago. It was a nightmare. I was just starting to think life without a partner could be good. I enjoyed kayaking, rock climbing, lots of active, healthy pursuits. I've always been into being physically active. It was fun for me, and a stress reliever. Now, that's over and people think I should be ok with an antidepressant instead as if that is just as good as being physically active with athletic activities.
The Hopkins neurologist asked me what kinds of things I couldn't do any more. I said, "Kayaking. I miss that the most."
He said, "I hate kayakers. They ruin the fishing." I tried to tell him that I never did that to anyone. I didn't kayak where I knew people were fishing and if I saw someone fishing, I gave them lots of space and avoided getting near. He went on and on about how he hated kayakers.
It never got better after that. He left me in the room, freezing in an exam gown, for 40 minutes. Came back, did a cursory exam and said I was doing great, showed me out... Hopkins won't let me change doctors. I tried. The appointment setting people said I can't do that.
I am not too worried about my life insurance not paying out due to suicide. If my beneficiaries are not going to help me, why should I care? I haven't made any decisions yet but I just don't see myself lasting much past when it gets more difficult.
I am a kind person but I don't have any close personal relationships. That didn't work out. I was the victim of severe physical and emotional abuse in childhood. The adult relationship thing didn't work out. (One abusive relationship after another until I figured out that I probably should not even try to be in an intimate relationship.) Now I am middle aged and have no one to help me.
I'm tired. Everything has been such an incredible struggle.
I called the ALS Association and everything the person suggested involves a lot of money (paying people to help me). I think the ALS Association person didn't really want to talk to me. I'm too much of a mess. Most people like their cripples and cripples-to-be to be heroic and hopeful. Looking at the recent local chapter newsletter, there is not one negative about ALS in it. Every single paragraph is filled with happiness and hope. I don't fit in there.
Plus, she kept suggesting I quit work. I can’t. I have no real savings. SSDI isn’t going to give me as much as I get paid. And, more importantly, I have good medical insurance -- until I can't work anymore. Then, it's all over. My medical insurance will pay for a lot of stuff until it is canceled. But at some point, I am going to need a person to help me and I don't have that. I won't be able to deal with personal care and transportation and appointments and everything. I have cut back on showering due to how much energy that takes. Everything is only going to get worse and harder.
Seriously, if I could find one trustworthy, kind person who would really help me, I'd leave them everything -- not much, but my life insurance, pension, etc. (Sorry, no kayaking and rock climbing equipment. I already packed that up and donated it to a charity thrift store. I couldn't bear to sell it. I would have cried to every person looking at the stuff.)
Google: cari loder suicde
Read about how the Greeks supposedly left deformed babies on a mountainside to die.
I am not going to end it all today. But I can't help but consider these things. I don't want to be dumped in a state run nursing home and yelled at by neglectful nurses and rot with bed sores. In the recent past, I had surgery that put me in a supposedly good hospital for two days. I was supposed to stay for a week. I had no visitors and the nurses were really mean. The nurses did not bring me my prescribed pain medication. I was in agony. Heck, I had NO FOOD or water for two days and I was supposed to get that. Food and water were not contraindicated. When I asked for help they got very angry. I left early, against doctor's orders, with a bed sore that took a month to heal (and I still have the scar). As soon as I could stand, I left (quite unsteady, but determined).
I really appreciate all the concern here. I really do. But I can't help but think about this stuff.
Stu gave me the telephone number of a psychologist to call Monday. I will do that. I'm not sure how that will work. And someone else is supposed to call me. But, I'm not sure what will change when I talk to these people. My life is over. It's just that I'm still here going through the motions.
When I can't go through the motions? That's not today or tomorrow, but it is inevitable.
I'm sorry this is so long and not hopeful. People here have been very kind and I appreciate it.
When things get worse, I just don't know who is going to drive me to my doctor who hates me ("I hate kayakers") so I can sit freezing in an exam room for 40 minutes to be told I'm doing great. I don't know who is going to deal with all the paperwork of medical care. I don't know who is going to help me eat and shower. I feel like someone dumped a ton of bricks on me and the floor is about to give way beneath me.
