Where do I belong?

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Sooner, blessings and best wishes in your new life. I have a feeling when this ends I too will eventually need a completely fresh start.
 
Well, it's 8 days until I close on my new house... I am super nervous about it all. My house is still for sale, although I know I will sell it. It's still scary.

I started to pack in the building Friday morning and decided I had way too much stuff... Had a last minute garage sale yesterday. I got rid of a lot of stuff that I am not needing.

I am soooo anxious about it all... It's so unlike me but then again, I haven't been alone in 22 years. I have always had Cliff to help me make big decisions. He always let me know that things were going to be all right.

I miss him more today and ever before. He was so strong, capable, and reassuring.

Why am I doubting myself??? Maybe it's the exhaustion... Maybe it feels like I am leaving behind my old life. There was so much love in this house... but then so much heartbreak.
 
Sooner - I’m sending you many huge hugs. All of this is so hard. My thoughts on what to do when this is over go back and forth and back again. Not sure I’ll be able to stay in this house, but not sure where that should lead me either.

I’m sure everything will be fine. Although probably not an easy transition as the same time. Take time to breathe and let all the feeling flow through you.

I know you got this, you made it through ALS, you can make it through these changes as well. You are strong and capable.

Hugs,
 
Kim, I know you will be happy. You are making the moves that are right for you, just as Cliff would want and expect.

Best,
Laurie
 
soonerwife said:
There was so much love in this house... but then so much heartbreak.
Click to expand...

My DH just told me last week that he did not want me to stay in our house once this was over. I feel conflicted, as you do, for the reason you stated.

This has been the only home my kids remember. They were very young when we moved here. But since his diagnosis, there are reminders of this beast everywhere. We did a huge remodel in order to stay.

I have a feeling that I will need a fresh start at some point and I'm sure my kids will understand.

Wishing you a place of happiness in your new home.

YOU GOT THIS!!!!!
 
Sooner, you are so strong and capable too; we will help to reassure you - we've got that part! You are doing what feels right for you! If you have any doubts at all about selling your current home, would it be an option for you to lease your home for 6-12 months? If you could swing that (with monthly rental payments), maybe you will find some comfort in the fact that you could still change your mind.

When I first found out about Dave's illness, I spent hours driving all over looking at houses for sale. We live in a remote, "country" location, and in the Winter, it can be very tough - even for someone younger and healthier. The property in entirety takes a LOT of work. So, I was absolutely panicked about caring for this property alone; thankfully a few neighbors have stepped up & have been tremendously helpful. I could not imagine taking Dave away from the place that he has nurtured and loved for 35 years. And, after Dave is gone, IDK if I will be able to leave for a long while. While there will be reminders of all the sadness and losses that have occurred here, there will always be so many good memories here as well.

Ironically, as I write this I have an episode of "The Middle" playing in the background. The oldest son (Axel) is asking his dad for advice in making a major decision. The dad says ....."I'll tell you the best advice my father ever gave me .......... you'll know when you know; you should do what's right for you" You've got this Sooner! BIG HUG!
 
Thanks everyone! It seems like as it gets closer, the more worried I get...

Today was a rough day. First day I have cried at work since Cliff has been gone.


I just feel so uncertain about life right now.
 
Huge Hugs coming your way Sooner. Breathe. You got this.
 
Sooner grief is not linear.

That was a huge learning curve for me. You will still have a lot of triggers, and feel suddenly overwhelmed.

It is not a matter of a steady upwards recovery. It's more like taking a pen and wildly scribbling all over a piece of paper and saying - try to follow that mess!

But every day that it hits you and you feel the weight of it and come through, is another one of the really awful days that is in the past. Wish we had the heart emoticon here ...
 
Monday was the worst day ever...

I had my mid-year review and it went horribly wrong. I felt very blindsided. After giving it a night to think about it, I realized that with the upcoming move and all the changes in my personal life, a lot of insecurities are bubbling up. Things that I am so NOT used to.

I went to dinner with the friend/co-worker whom I needed to talk to about the blindside. Then spoke with my boss the next morning. I gave him some insight and things are so much better.

I am usually a very strong person and not a very emotional one but this is new territory that I am making my way through and not necessarily fun for sure...

I told my boss about this thread and not knowing where I belong. He assured me that I DO belong in our group at work and that I need to be more open with him about what I need from him. If only I knew what I need, right?!

I am so glad I have this forum that I can talk about what I know you all understand!!!
 
Yes Sooner people here understand.
Of course it is hard to know what you need. On the other hand it’s really good you found the strength to speak up and had such an open response from your boss. I guess what you and all cals need at work is flexibility time wise and trust.
Hugs
 
Sooner, not sure if I am understanding you correctly ...... but, did you receive a "bad" mid-year evaluation from your boss? If so, then WTF man!? I hope that is not what happened ... 'cause I may just need to come over there and smack your boss!!
 
Sooner I hope the review was just a misunderstanding and not truly bad. I would hope you’d be given a little slack for what you’ve been through lately.

Hugs as you move forward and things start to slowly calm down.
 
I took it as him coming down on me... Honestly, I think he went about it the wrong way. He has no idea what I am going through personally. I always put on a happy face at work. I think he thinks I am dealing great...

He was just letting me know how I need to move forward to get my next promotion because he knows there is a position coming available soon and it would be more money for me. I think he is worried I will leave the group. It just came out all wrong.

When I was honest with him, he was great. He told me we could take a step back and not push me so hard. I need to let him know what I need. I haven't been doing that because they were so great to me, I don't want them to think I am taking advantage.

Everything is fine now... My team of coworkers are coming Monday to load me up and move me to my new house. I close Monday morning at 8:30 am.

I am still nervous about it. Tonight will probably be the last night I spend the night at the home Cliff and I built together.

So many mixed feelings!
 
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