Where do I belong?

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soonerwife

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Losing your best friend and soulmate...

It’s been 3 months and I feel like I know less now about how to move on than I did.

I am so thankful for my job, it seems like that is the only place I belong.

At home, honestly all I want to do is sleep.

When I’m not at work, I don’t know what I am supposed to do...

I spent the last 22 Year’s enjoying life with Cliff, now he’s gone.

Everyone else has their lives... I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere.

I feel so lost.
 

KatieNBoyd

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Hi My friend,

My heart goes out to you as I have already passed through this time on this path that you have just begun. I must admit I don't remember most of that first few months (I am at a year and three months). I have asked my daughters about how I did things.

Sleep, It is something you have learned how to not live with while Cliff was with you. Now, it is something you need, but can't figure out how to do it. Sleep when you can, this is your body's way of re establishing itself back into a rhythm of some sort.

I understand when you say that "you don't know where you fit in anywhere". We have become a different entity of sorts. We are no longer part of a couple, we are no longer a care taker of a loved one, and for myself, it feels, I had lost myself when the diagnosis of ALS was first spoken out loud.

Jon and I were like a puzzle piece of each other. I feel as you do.

Take it slow. You are a new person. You hurt and feel alone. It is hard to watch as life continues in the friends and family that surrounds us. Life hasn't stopped though it feels it has for us.

I recommend a Grief class, maybe at your church or through the hospital. It helped me. If you don't feel like you can do that I recommend these two books that we used in the class I took: Understanding your grief and the journal that goes with it by Alan D.Wolfelt. Writing in a journal allowed me to "talk out" everything that is in my head. I write in a journal regularly now. For me the grief class was a good first step in this new life.

Take care of yourself. You deserve it. You took amazing care of Cliff through his days and he would want you to take care of your self now.

Feel free to write me anytime. And as always this group is so wonderful, so full of help and loving hearts of people that know just how you are feeling and what you are going through.

Hugs
Katie
 
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wishmobbing

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I wondered how you were after Chris's passing had a little time to really sink in. My heart breaks for you.
Sleep sounds pretty darn good. And whenever you feel lonely you can drop in here and have a drink with us at the pub. You'll always belong here and we will see you heal.
 

Manhattanite

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I hear you loud and clear soonerwife. There is a certain type of loneliness that comes with being a widow/widower that I had never experienced and never thought could be possible.

As horrible as the illness is, it is something you get to share in a very intimate way with your PALS. I find that now that my PALS is not here anymore and I am the one who remains, the memory of what we lived exists only in me and I find it lonely to have to live with these memories, with this PTSD.

And then as you mention, everyone's life continues but you have to carry this loss with you every second of the day. I feel like everywhere I go I carry a heavy, invisible suitcase that no one but me can see or feel.

It has helped me to focus on hanging out with friends, to plan activities, to fill my weekends with things to do in order to keep me distracted.

Hugs
 

Atsugi

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The first time I needed to re-establish myself, I joined a ski club for singles, want to a lot of parties, drank a lot, and picked up strange women--the stranger, the better.

Don't knock it. I met my future wife at the bar on a party bus returning from Paris.

There's another option that might help: If your mood is the way I think it is, then a shrink might recommend a pill for a little while, and send you to a proper therapist, if needed. That's what I chose this time around.

Your choice, but life is wasted when depressed.
 

affected

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Sooner first let me tell you that where you are at is completely normal and even really healthy but damn it hurts like hell doesn't it!

In some societies a widow wore black for a whole year and I wish we could do that. Let me say it's because everyone would cut you slack - you could do and be what you needed and it was ok.

Today we look like everyone else, but we are not. I love how Katie said it - Jon and I were like a puzzle piece of each other.

I always say - there is a 'Chris-shaped' hole inside me.

I don't want to scare you but I work with supporting a lot of widows and it takes a long time to come out of the shock, the devastation and the feeling of being completely lost. It does not take weeks, and not just a few months, but it does get better if you allow yourself to feel all the pain and loss.

Do whatever you need to - there are no rights or wrongs, there is only what you need. And allow yourself time, this is huge.

We got ya here still. BTW sleep can be a good healer, it has only been a few months, this is still a huge raw gaping wound, don't expect anything more of yourself than where you are at xxx
 

debwilson77

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Not looking forward to that day, we have been together since I was 16. Already feel lost sometimes.
 

Narrowminded

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Sooner, I’m sending huge hugs. That’s all I know to do right now since I haven’t been there yet, but please know I’m here for you.

Hugs,

Sue
 

wishmobbing

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In some societies a widow wore black for a whole year and I wish we could do that. Let me say it's because everyone would cut you slack - you could do and be what you needed and it was ok.
Oh, I never thought about it like this! That is in essence such a good thing but maybe turned to mindless social constraint.
I dress in black most any day. If I'd start wearing all yellow as a widow people who know me will definitely know that I'm not close to being alright. :cool:
 

soonerwife

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Thanks everyone! I appreciate your words... I am a doer, this is very hard for me. I want to fix it...

I have reached out to a grief counselor, I am waiting to here back.

I am on an antidepressant and have been for a year or so. Maybe I should see my dr, maybe it needs to be increased.

Mike, I got a good laugh from your comments, thanks for that.

I think more than anything, I just want to fix it... I keep trying to find something that is going to make me happy. Then I realize that the things I am capable of may not make me happy, like moving. It's not where I live that is making me feel this way. It's losing my best friend and the love of my life.

I try to keep myself busy. I ask people to do things but some times I just don't have the motivation to go.

I basically am only doing what I have to do...

Some how I just need to find the patience to see the grief through. Hopefully I will hear back from the grief counselor soon.

Thanks again for your comments. At least here, you all know what I am going through.
 

wishmobbing

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You are a doer and you're doing fine. I hope you click with the counselor. Much patience to you!
 

affected

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Yeah I'm such a doer too - one of the hardest things i had to learn was to get some days and acknowledge - this is a crap day. Then just cancel things and allow myself to be in a crap day.

I have always been such a soldier on person, but I found that if I tried to ignore and soldier on, it hit me even harder. Somehow letting go and being in the low places made it a little gentler and I would come out of them easier.

Kind of like riding a wave, rather than trying to stand in front of it and being dumped head first into the sand.

Just like you had never been a CALS before, you have never been widowed before, and it is a huge adjustment, so be kind to yourself. You will figure out what to 'do', just not as quickly as you want to xxx
 

Jrzygrl

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Sooner,

How are you? I haven't seen a post from you in a bit. I hope it's because you have decided you need a break from "all this".

Thinking of you and hope you are doing OK.
 

soonerwife

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Thanks for checking on me Jrzygrl! I am doing ok. I have been really busy the last couple of weeks. Right now is the first time I have had any down time. Work is still great, thank goodness.

I think I have resolved one thing in my mind, this is not about where I live, this is about grief. No matter where I live, I am not going to fix the grief.

I have yet to touch base with a counselor even though I have contacted two. I don't understand why people don't do their jobs. I will try again this week, I guess.

This week, I am telling myself that this is going to just take some time and there is no reason to be in a hurry deciding where I want to live.

I am trying to take one day at a time.

I was very busy last weekend. I am trying to get more involved in my little side gig, Rodan & Fields Consulting. I also went to a group lunch with a group call the Bifocal Club, lol! There were 10 ladies there, it was good.

My BFF is going to be moving at the end of the month and I have told her I will help her do some painting and help her move.

So, I guess you can say onward and upward. Again, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
 

wishmobbing

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Hey, sooner, good to read what you're up to! Which is of course quite a bit. The bifocal club sounds fun, haha.

Very wise if you to not mix up location and grief. Lots of people try to pin their unhappiness on their location. But if they moved to Paradise they'd still be trapped in their heads.
Going slow is surely a challenge for you. But I'm confident that you go about everything the way that's best for you.
If you get bored or sad in your downtime come and hang out with us.
 
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