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When the time is right . . ?

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Pandora

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Joined
Apr 30, 2011
Messages
130
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
01/2011
Country
US
State
Texas
Well it has been a little over 6 months since Bran passed away. I am struggling with so many things, when is the time to "move on" (not date or get married or anything like that) but when is it the time to live again and not feel the guilt or pain. When is it time to spread the ashes, should I push myself to do this, he left me no instructions for this, my heart says to hold them forever and when I go , mix us together and take us to my family plot.
When do I stop crying? When is the time to stop sleeping in his old shirts? I don't want to move on ... ever, but is it healthy to feel this way? He made me promise to have a life after he was gone, but he was my life I am afraid that I will not be able to keep this promise. I am still clinging to everything our life was. I know there is not a set timeline for anything like this. I just am in a holding pattern and circling. I am still in love with him, and I always will be, I have no doubt but a promise is a promise. I don't ever want to move on, but I do want to be mentally healthy. When is the right time to work on this? I have gone back to school, so thats a step in the right direction. That was something he made me promise too. I just want to honor him in all the right ways, keeping my promises and yet staying true to my heart.
 

brooksea

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You are putting too much pressure on yourself! We all go through this. We are all in a "holding pattern." Sleep in those T-shirts as long as you want. Don't rush it. It's perfectly healthy to grieve and that is what you are doing.

When you feel comfortable with spreading the ashes (no anxiety) or can make a decision about them, then do so. Don't push yourself. What is the rush? We all want to honor our loved ones, but it is a difficult task during a difficult time in our lives. You have to tell yourself to make no rash decisions and think things through and give it time. No one is standing over you giving you a timeline.

Girl, you are putting too much pressure on yourself! It takes about two years to get over your loss, because you truly loved him. You have just begun the journey, as have I. It's OK. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
 

momap53

Very helpful member
Joined
Jul 2, 2011
Messages
1,640
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
05/2011
Country
US
State
GA
Pandora, there is no right or wrong time. Grieving takes time and you just have to work through the steps at you own pace.
I'm so glad that you have returned to school, Bran would be so proud of you.
 

HelenL

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Joined
Dec 17, 2010
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1,583
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MA
You'll know when the time is "right"... there is no right or wrong here. It's going to take time, so don't berate yourself for loving someone so much. I wish I had that kind of love in my life, he was a lucky man to have you. Use the adage "one day at a time", which sometimes may be one minute at a time. As CJ said, there WILL be a light at the end of the tunnel.
 

vzandt

Senior member
Joined
Nov 12, 2011
Messages
570
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
04/2010
Country
US
State
N.H.
you said "its been six months". What I hear is "Its only been six months". Its okey. You are moving on. It takes time. One day at a time. one step at a time.
 

EGBAR

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Joined
Jun 8, 2011
Messages
171
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
06/2011
Country
US
State
FL
Now is the time, moving on doesn't mean forgetting or letting go. It means living your life, as I hope my wife will when I am gone. My friend lost his wife last November, he says it is now his job to move on, showing her the respect she deserves.

The way I see it, my wife owes it to me to live as full and happy life as possible when I am gone. Trust me she has earned it living on her side of this disease. That is what I want more than anything.
 

joni51

Senior member
Joined
Sep 8, 2010
Messages
985
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Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
10/2010
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US
State
Al
You move at your own pace, don't take pressure from anyone! You have have loved and lost, you will be whole again one day and happy.
 

Ms. Pie

Very helpful member
Joined
Mar 26, 2011
Messages
1,794
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
10/2010
Country
US
State
CO
You can still miss someone and move on with life. It's okay to step out of mourning and relax. You still have your loved one in your heart. Your loved one wants you to laugh and smile and sing a joyful song. It's okay to feel happiness. It's what your loved one wants. Love to you!
 

Miss

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Apr 11, 2010
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1,757
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04/2010
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In the Land of Cotton
Terry has been gone for 9 months now. I certainly am not stuck in grief, I cannot be - I still have children to raise. However, there is not a day that goes by that Terry isn't in my thoughts off and on all day. I wish I still had something that has his "smell". There are things that I know I will eventually discard, but I'm not ready. I am moving through the valley of the shadow of death - at my own pace. I think the operative word here is moving. Some days, it takes all I have to get out of bed. Some days I spring up. Some days I accomplish nothing. Some days I cannot believe how much I have gotten done. There is very, very little guilt now. There is still a great deal of pain. However, my life certainly has joy and laughter. One foot in front of the other. You have to go through the grief to get to the other side. You don't just get over it.

My thoughts are with you.
 

Atsugi

Legendary member
Joined
Jan 11, 2011
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Lost a loved one
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12/2010
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Now is the time... my wife owes it to me to live as full and happy life as possible when I am gone....That is what I want more than anything.
Agreed. I know my Krissy would want me up and at 'em ASAP. She was selfless, and would insist on me getting out, traveling, dating, everything, as soon as I could.

No pressure. :)

I've been very slowly, over the past 10 months, occasionally culling out old possessions, writing Thank You's, updating legal docs. I even moved houses and took vacations. There is a place of honor in the house for Krissy's remains, flag, and a treasured possession. But she wouldn't want me to stay stagnant. Frankly, she'd want me to start dating, no doubt. But I'm doing it all in slow motion time, simply to relieve stress on me and the kids.

Packing, tossing, donating and selling stuff is hard, so I do a little bit, cry a little, then come back to it when my anti-depressants kick in. It has to be done, and somebody's got to do it, and it's me, now, who wears the big boy pants, you know?

I wish you all the best with this struggle.
 

Atsugi

Legendary member
Joined
Jan 11, 2011
Messages
5,177
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Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
12/2010
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State
Florida
... I certainly am not stuck in grief, I cannot be - I still have children to raise. However, there is not a day that goes by that Terry isn't in my thoughts... Some days, it takes all I have to get out of bed. Some days I spring up. ....
- Ditto, for sure.
 

skipper66

Very helpful member
Joined
May 20, 2012
Messages
1,478
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Lost a loved one
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IL
Going back to school was a good start for you. Your husband would be proud of you. Don't push yourself. Everyone grieves at their own pace. Your husband loves you and wants you to be happy again. It doesn't mean that you'll ever replace or forget about him if you move on. It only means that you loved your husband and were loved and know how special that is in life. You were a special gift to your husband and he'd want you to share that gift with others. Take it one day at a time. Get involved slowly with new activities. Remember, even though his life was way too short you made your husband's life better by loving him. Hugs to you and Best Wishes, Kim
 

Jason's Dream

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Do it at YOUR pace. It is your grief and your journey to go through in your time. NO one can tell you when the time is right, ... only you can know when it is time to move on and do certain things.

While I still am grieving hard (today being one of them) for my sweetheart, I am moving forward, and making memories with our children. In that, I think Jason would be happy. I know he would be annoyed at fussing over his memory like I do, but I need to do that for me. There have been days when I get alot of work done, and other days, when I struggle just to do the basics so my little loves and I can survive the day. There are some shirts that Jason didn't wear often, that I have been able to pack away for a later date to deal with, and yet there are still some of his shirts still in my closet, that I still wear. I still keep his razor and some other things in the medicine cabinet, but then I have packed most of his shoes away. I kept out a pair he wore alot, in case William wanted to put his little feet into his Dadda's big shoes. These are just some the things I have moved forward, and other items I am not ready to depart from quite yet, or not at all.

There have been many that have tried to "push" me along in my grief.. they think I should be "back to normal", yet I still am in such a fog some days, that I have forgotten to close the fridgerator door, or put food away, or forget where I put my keys. I will never be "back to normal". How could I? I have had a life altering event happen, and someone which shared my day to days, isn't there anymore. What we had planned for our future and the future for our children is gone, and so my life undoubtedly will and is changing and it pisses me off that the expect me to go "back to normal". I am not, nor will I ever be that same person. I am no longer innocent of how much death can rob a person, and I am learning to live and go on in the wake of its destruction. And yes, my path has been altered and so this experience will, and should change my life and view on the future.

There is no escape claus in your grief journey, it isn't something you can bypass, but there isn't a road map that says.. okay, after 6 months, you should just "get over it".... You'll never be "over it"...

I think, for me, I will continue doing the day to day things for the kids and I... I too am going back to school in the Fall.. Jason would be proud to hear... but that doesn't mean I don't struggle inwardly and somedays I just want to lay down and die beside him.... it just means, I'm human, and working through my grief at my pace... I think at sometime, in doing the "little things" the "doing the living" every day-to-day things, at some point the feeling of "not being able to breath", and the "intensity of the pain" will lessen, .. not that the pain will ever go away... and at some point, I will learn to laugh again... but part of my heart will always be Jason's .. and it will always be a bit bittersweet as our children hit milestones he is not here to share with.. or hurt when they do something, look a certain way, that reminds me soo much of him. Thats the price we pay when we love with our whole heart.

A person I know told me a phrase that really helped me "give myself a break". For 7 years we lived as 2 hearts beating as 1.. now I am trying to learn how to live as 1 heart beating for 2. It is an adjustment, its such a change after 7 years of day to day living, sharing a bed with my sweetheart, his arms around me, seeing his smile on a daily basis, hearing his laughter, waking up to his bad breath and fuzzy bed head, doing everything together, raising our children together, and sharing a special language, a special love, only shared between my sweetheart and I.

Give yourself a break hon... and know, no one can tell you when it is right to "move on", only you can know, and you will know when the time is right.

*hugs*
 

brooksea

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As long as we are all traveling the journey and not stuck in a pergatory of guilt and anxiety, I guess we'll be fine! Yes, we will.
 

Barbie

Extremely helpful member
Joined
Dec 29, 2007
Messages
2,659
Reason
Lost a loved one
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01/2007
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State
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I hope it is ok for me to comment--as I have not traveled this road yet and I am only speaking from my hopes...

In my humble opinion, our loved ones move on the moment they draw their last breath. The survivors MUST move on too, though we never have to leave them behind and they will always live in our hearts--MOVING is what is important, not being stuck in the past and grief. I hope when my dear husband dies that I am able to move through the grief and live a full and happy life again. I think that is what our loved ones want for us--I have never heard anyone say when I die I want my wife/husband to be alone and sad forever.

Maybe "moving on" is the wrong term, perhaps it is "moving forward". Living. To the fullest we can, in honor of them.
 
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