What is it all about, eh?

[Danijela]

Dear Friends,

I have not logged on since August. My lovely Laurence passed away on 9 November, two days after my birthday. It was a difficult, drawn out death. I rarely speak about it. My son turned 4 on 15 January. He is very much like his dad, in spirit. Physically, he resembles me, according to friends.

We are at the point where we have had some of Laurence's ashes scattered in the cemetery, where his mum and dad's ashes are buried. The rest, according to his wishes, will be scattered on Cleveleys beach (West Coast of England), a place where he grew up. I envisage this to be a sunny, breezy kind of day.

I still have all of Laurence's possessions in the house. I am in no rush to get rid of things. I will gift some of his clothes to friends, and keep some for our son. I am at crossroads...wanting to make changes and yet feeling unable to make any significant decisions. I have not experienced any extreme emotions. I have taken antidepressants for several months prior to Laurence's death, so attributed my numbness to this. I have been off the medication since January and still feeling pretty numb.

Hoping to add some photos to my profile, to show you how grown up my son is now, so feel free to stop by.

Love to all, Dani

 

[Annie's Phil]

It's so good to hear from you Dani. I'm sorry Laurence had such a difficult time at the end. I know that must have been agonizing for you as well. I don't think one ever "gets over" losing their loved one. We just learn to adjust to their absence, and even that takes a long time.

Peace and grace to you.
-Phil

 

[Barbie]

Dani! It is so good to see you here. I know when L was dying, your friend (can't remember) said you had forgotten your log on. so glad you remembered. I am still here, and my L is fighting on. most everyone is gone from the old days, except a few former Cals like you. It is weird for me to be the last current cals left of the old guard...

I think one of the first steps to healing is that you want to make a change--even if you are not able to do it yet. That is a start, and t here is no timetable so take your time and you are right not to be in a rush.

I have a local girlfriend whose husband died from ALS, and she seems so fine for a long time--no big emotions at all at first. she told me recently that she has suddenly been very sad again, and feels like she was not really dealing with it for the last two years and was in a type of denial . Lets face it, ALS is a horrible disease it takes time to heal from the pain and suffering you were party to. Be kind to yourself dear Dani, I think cals can almost suffer from a type of PTSD.

I can hardly believe your son is 4 now! they grow up so fast, don't they? My baby is graduating high school this month.

all my best regards,

B

 

[AKjo]

Greetings, Dani. Thank you for sharing your story and feelings. I look forward to seeing pictures of your young man! I'm sure it is a comfort to see the spark of Laurence in the little guy. Peace and love be with you, Jo

 

[affected]

Hi Dani,

There are no 'rights' or 'wrongs' with how one moves in some direction or another after our PALS gain their wings.

The numbness you feel may also be a part of the grief process for you. You say you feel numb, yet you haven't dealt with his possessions. So maybe you are using numbness to hold down all you are actually feeling inside, and avoid doing things like that clean out as it may bring what you are really feeling right up to the surface.

I mean that as an observation, not a judgement of any kind. To be honest, how do we deal with death of our PALS that we have nurtured, cared for, and watched suffer. We as CALS put our lives on hold, then suddenly they are actually gone, and it's just not a simple matter of just having a cry and 'getting one with it'.

I am still in the first week after losing my husband, and I know already that I could easily use a kind of numbness to try and just move in some direction, when possibly instead I would be deceptively standing still or just turning in circles.

I wish there was a manual that would tell us how to just move through and past this easily, I haven't found one. But the support of others that understand may help, I know it is helping hold me up every single day.

Tillie xxx

 

[minnesota]

Hi dani! So glad you wrote! I followed your posts and tried to send an occasional note! We have lost so many here and it's a gift to hear from you, see a pic of your son when you post that and stand with you in some way as you grieve the loss of Laurence! Be very gentle with yourself as you walk through this part of your life! We're here for you!

 

[judyroyalglenn]

Hey Dani,

Sorry for your loss. As you know the forum is a good place to talk about his passing if or when you need to. There are a great bunch of people here to listen and support you if just by the written word instead of our physical presence of being there. You are a tad far away from Georgia!

There is no hurry to make any decisions about his belongings. Take your time and do things when you are ready!

May the Lord give you an abundance of grace, peace, and mercy during this time ~ Judy

 

[MaxEidswick]

>I think cals can almost suffer from a type of PTSD.

I think it may be EXACTLY like PTSD and it is very real. Dani, ask around for help with this -- that will be a good start.

FWIW,

Max

 

[Danijela]

Hello everyone. Good to see a few familiar faces ��. One if my best friends visited last week and I have given him a bag of Laurence's clothes. Tops, jumpers, even socks (mostly new). I did get rid of all 'sick' and 'bed ridden' clothes which would have never normally entered Laurence's wardrobe. I am keeping some jeans and tops for Stan, and I wear some. Xx

 

[rosec]

Dani, I have thought about you and your Laurence during the past few months during your absence in these forums. You have been through a long hard journey and you need your time to come to terms with the new normal. Stop by whenever you feel like it.

 

[sadiemae]

Hi Dani, I lost my Les 3 months ago. Found a good site called Widows Wear Stilettos, that is written by a lady whose husband had ALS. Lots of good inspiration and guidance.

Check out Widowswearstilettos.com

 

[Danijela]

sound ominous : ) X will do. I noticed you post in In Memoriam section... words fail me. X

 

[cervus]

Hi Dani. Nice to hear from you. I am coming up on almost three years since Bob passed. Certainly isn't easier being without him. Grief is a difficult thing to go through and different for everyone. I still have most of his things, having gifted a few items to his close friends who so appreciated having a part of Bob close to them. Anyway, no need to rush through anything. Take your time. Lots of love to you sweet Dani. Looking forward to seeing pictures of your little one. Yasmin.