Fathers Day was really hard for me today. Bran and I did not have children, however we did have a furry child. They were special twosome, falling asleep in the chair watching baseball, tricks and treats, he got a fathers day card from her every year with inked paw prints and everything. I just missed him so much today, I cooked his favorite meal, set a place at the table for us both, and then sadly ate alone.... just looking at his chair and wanting so bad to hear him say, "great grub as always baby! Thanks." Damn it! I miss him so much. I need him. It is so selfish I know.. but he was my world even before he got sick. I am just not sure if I am going to make it. I never know if it is going to be a up day.. or a down day. I hate waking up to a empty bed, not seeing his big brown eyes, Hearing his chipper made up songs every morning about coffee or the weather, or my ratty night gown. This pain is so harsh, so deep, I feel I am never going to see the other side... Can you be filled with so much hurt and darkness that still live? Can you swim with so much weights on you? It's a down day. I miss his everything. I miss us, our family, ... our dreams. I would give anything to hear his voice.. one more time. Why can't heaven (or where ever we go) have a phone booth. If it did I know he would call.
