califsand
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2007
- Messages
- 237
- Diagnosis
- 01/2004
- Country
- US
- State
- ca
- City
- sant barbara
Yes, me again and still on an agonizing emotional teeter totter. My father continues to suffer and go downhill and new symptoms are developing. He has an eye infection, probably pnuemonia (he won't let them xray so it's speculation), constant pain & anxiety and now his feet and hands are swelling and ice cold to the touch (circulation probably).
Last night when I was there with him he was very noisy, indicating discomfort and pain, and he sounded like he was drowning on his secretions. He had vomited earlier in the day so they had him well medicated but it wasn't doing much for the pain. He has fear in his eyes. Pain & fear are NOT the way he wants to die and not the way I want to see him go. I have again stayed home from work and have a message in for his Dr. to call me. I'm planning on talking to him about a morphine pump and will discuss a plan to reduce and eventually stop his feedings.
I know that my Dad is trying to live long enough to meet his grandson but the baby is not due until October. It is like a toss up between keeping him lucid enough so he has enough will to live to try to hang in there or medicating him enough so that he isn't suffering like he is right now. He really can't communicate anymore and as his power of attorney, the decision is mine. I alternate between knowing that this pain & fear is NOT what he wants and between insecure feelings because of his long standing desire to meet his grandson. I can't imagine seeing him in this agony for another 9 weeks... that's such a short amount of time and an eternity at the same time. On one hand he has hung in there for this long part of me wants to do everything in my power to help him hang in there... on the other hand, his body is failing, he is in emotional and physical pain/distress and I want him to know it's okay to let go. The indecision about what to do is wrecking me right now!
I have talked extensively with my family about this and ultimately they all have the same mixed emotions... none of us want him to be scared & in pain, but we are afraid to take away his ability to fight long enough to make his goal. Nobody has a firm stance on the subject and cannot offer me any guidance about what to do. Everyone, including the Dr. reminds me that it is a decision that only I can make, based on how well I know Dad, what my instructions from him are and what I feel is right. How can I decide what is right? Mostly I lean towards severe pain management and giving him the release from pain so that he can allow himself to be unafraid and to let go, let himself out of this misery. I know he is conflicted, I can see it in his eyes and I am sure that it is a relfection of how I feel as well.
Have any of you been in this position? How did you make a decision? How do you determine what is best when everyone only echoes what you are thinking and feeling back at you without offering any real guidance for such a decision? I can write about it until I am out of thought and I still end up on a teeter totter, leaning one way and then the other... on a bad day I want to order full sedation, on a good day I feel insecure and want to encourage him to hang in there. How many more bad days can I let him go through before I make up my mind? Is it selfishness to encourage him to hang in there when I know that he needs my permission to let go?
I've always been a decisive person, I make up my mind and then move forward whether it is right or wrong. This inability to act is killing me! Any advice or suggestions, or personal stories that relate would be SO valuable to me right now.
Thank you,
Sandy
Last night when I was there with him he was very noisy, indicating discomfort and pain, and he sounded like he was drowning on his secretions. He had vomited earlier in the day so they had him well medicated but it wasn't doing much for the pain. He has fear in his eyes. Pain & fear are NOT the way he wants to die and not the way I want to see him go. I have again stayed home from work and have a message in for his Dr. to call me. I'm planning on talking to him about a morphine pump and will discuss a plan to reduce and eventually stop his feedings.
I know that my Dad is trying to live long enough to meet his grandson but the baby is not due until October. It is like a toss up between keeping him lucid enough so he has enough will to live to try to hang in there or medicating him enough so that he isn't suffering like he is right now. He really can't communicate anymore and as his power of attorney, the decision is mine. I alternate between knowing that this pain & fear is NOT what he wants and between insecure feelings because of his long standing desire to meet his grandson. I can't imagine seeing him in this agony for another 9 weeks... that's such a short amount of time and an eternity at the same time. On one hand he has hung in there for this long part of me wants to do everything in my power to help him hang in there... on the other hand, his body is failing, he is in emotional and physical pain/distress and I want him to know it's okay to let go. The indecision about what to do is wrecking me right now!
I have talked extensively with my family about this and ultimately they all have the same mixed emotions... none of us want him to be scared & in pain, but we are afraid to take away his ability to fight long enough to make his goal. Nobody has a firm stance on the subject and cannot offer me any guidance about what to do. Everyone, including the Dr. reminds me that it is a decision that only I can make, based on how well I know Dad, what my instructions from him are and what I feel is right. How can I decide what is right? Mostly I lean towards severe pain management and giving him the release from pain so that he can allow himself to be unafraid and to let go, let himself out of this misery. I know he is conflicted, I can see it in his eyes and I am sure that it is a relfection of how I feel as well.
Have any of you been in this position? How did you make a decision? How do you determine what is best when everyone only echoes what you are thinking and feeling back at you without offering any real guidance for such a decision? I can write about it until I am out of thought and I still end up on a teeter totter, leaning one way and then the other... on a bad day I want to order full sedation, on a good day I feel insecure and want to encourage him to hang in there. How many more bad days can I let him go through before I make up my mind? Is it selfishness to encourage him to hang in there when I know that he needs my permission to let go?
I've always been a decisive person, I make up my mind and then move forward whether it is right or wrong. This inability to act is killing me! Any advice or suggestions, or personal stories that relate would be SO valuable to me right now.
Thank you,
Sandy