TakingCareofGram
New member
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2011
- Messages
- 3
- Reason
- CALS
- Country
- US
- State
- NJ
- City
- Manahawkin
So...I'm sorry that my first post has to be negative, but, here it goes!
I am the only caretaker for my 70 y/o grandmother (who raised me) who has ALS. She was recently was admitted into in-home hospice, which, I think, is a mixed blessing. In one regard, we are getting more help. In another, it affirms a reality which I think both of us have tried to ignore.
In addition, her moods seem to have gone from bad to worse. Some days, no matter what I say, she's just MISERABLE to me. This afternoon, we got into a giant fight over nothing! I try to ask her if she'd like to eat (PEG tube), no. Switch chairs? No. OK fine. She tries to tell me something, I misunderstand her, she yells because I tried guess what she's saying. I tried to explain that sometimes I try to guess so she can save her breath. Doesn't matter, now she's yelling and crying, I leave the room and cry.
I've left my job. I have no life, I never leave the house, I didn't get to have a Christmas. I'm 30 years old, and I have literally given up everything...Now, don't get me wrong. I know the position she is in is a million times worse, but does it matter that my life has changed too?
I just feel invisible and insignificant sometimes, and after she passes, what will happen to me? I've lost my entire family to cancer, and now ALS, and I'm not sure what's going to happen. I"m engaged, and I know my fiance will be there to support me, but I'm just scared. I forget what it's like to go to dinner with friends, to go for a walk, to just sleep without constantly listen to see if she is breathing.
I guess this has gone around in circles, and I'm sorry for that. I'm just exhausted, and frustrated, and needed to get it out. It's so hard because since I'm fairly young, none of my friends or fiance have ever been through anything like this, so I find it difficult to talk to them about it. This is my second time being the only caretaker for someone, and the second time I've just felt completely alone; like I'm on my own island.
Ok. Rant over...Thanks for listening.
I am the only caretaker for my 70 y/o grandmother (who raised me) who has ALS. She was recently was admitted into in-home hospice, which, I think, is a mixed blessing. In one regard, we are getting more help. In another, it affirms a reality which I think both of us have tried to ignore.
In addition, her moods seem to have gone from bad to worse. Some days, no matter what I say, she's just MISERABLE to me. This afternoon, we got into a giant fight over nothing! I try to ask her if she'd like to eat (PEG tube), no. Switch chairs? No. OK fine. She tries to tell me something, I misunderstand her, she yells because I tried guess what she's saying. I tried to explain that sometimes I try to guess so she can save her breath. Doesn't matter, now she's yelling and crying, I leave the room and cry.
I've left my job. I have no life, I never leave the house, I didn't get to have a Christmas. I'm 30 years old, and I have literally given up everything...Now, don't get me wrong. I know the position she is in is a million times worse, but does it matter that my life has changed too?
I just feel invisible and insignificant sometimes, and after she passes, what will happen to me? I've lost my entire family to cancer, and now ALS, and I'm not sure what's going to happen. I"m engaged, and I know my fiance will be there to support me, but I'm just scared. I forget what it's like to go to dinner with friends, to go for a walk, to just sleep without constantly listen to see if she is breathing.
I guess this has gone around in circles, and I'm sorry for that. I'm just exhausted, and frustrated, and needed to get it out. It's so hard because since I'm fairly young, none of my friends or fiance have ever been through anything like this, so I find it difficult to talk to them about it. This is my second time being the only caretaker for someone, and the second time I've just felt completely alone; like I'm on my own island.
Ok. Rant over...Thanks for listening.