A young lady was wearing a beat up old watch.
I asked her, "Does it tell the time?"
She looked at me and said, "No, you have to look at it.
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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
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When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
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Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."
Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."
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Cop: "Please step out of the car."
Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."
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I remember being able to get up without making sound effects
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I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
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Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
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If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"
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When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say 'nothing,' it doesn't mean I am free, it means I am doing nothing.
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Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
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I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
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I run like the winded.
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I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
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When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
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When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
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I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
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When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
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It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
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Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
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That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
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Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
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The older I get, the earlier it gets late
